All In All, Not a bad day

Today is the last day of Spring Break. Tomorrow it is back to the real world. Starting my morning off right with a GP appointment.

While today had it’s moments, all in all it wasn’t a bad day. I worked out and increased my mileage and speed tonight. Walked 2 miles at 3 miles per hour. I could have gone longer, but I thought 45 minutes was a good enough work out. I have experienced that you can’t work on your fitness if you are not in the right mindset. I’ve been all over the place the last year and with this increase in the Latuda, it has really made a positive difference in my life. I hope it stays that way. But of course I can’t help but wonder if I am taking a ride on the hypomanic bullet train. I’m not dwelling on that thought though. I’m just taking it day by day, that is all anybody can do.

I did start a new blog called Code-Green Advocacy I am serious about getting this off the ground and doing advocacy work. There is nothing there at the moment, but if you want to follow, feel free. It is going to be strictly for advocacy information, so if you are into that kind of thing or like to share that kind of thing, it could be a good thing.

When you find your passion

I thought I had found a great group of people to surround myself with to discuss and share experiences with empathic abilities. I learned something today though, I found my passion. I thought my passion was using my gift of empathy to help heal people, but instead I found my passion was using my gift of empathy to help people by way of advocacy.

A discussion was brought up asking how many people suffer from emotional issues/disorders. I of course chime in with my bipolar diagnosis. Because I am not ashamed of it, it is part of who I am. Others shared their diagnosis’ as well. And then the non-believers chimed in. And my fire started burning.

Of course, this was all coming from a loving place (sarcasm). People didn’t believe in labels because it” diminishes” individuals (to which I played devils advocate and asked “isn’t calling yourself an empath putting a label on yourself? I find nothing demeaning with most labels, I find them descriptive.” of course, no one had a come back for that). Then there were others that believed that “psychiatrists do nothing but put labels on people and throw medications at them to make money”. And my favorite – “Bipolar is not a disease or disorder, it is just a way of being, like being bisexual”.

Of course I point out that bipolar is a medical condition where you have a chemical imbalance. I got… “Oh, are you a doctor?” smh… “No, just an educated patient.”

With all of the people that had mental health diagnosis’in that group, this was a very harmful environment. You never know the stability of who is on the other side, and to make remarks about “medication is not needed”, these are not “real diseases”, “I am cured of such and such because I went completely off of meds”…. just not a good environment at all.

But it reiterated some things for me. Stigma is super strong. I think for a little while I thought stigma was changing, because I have been surrounded by all of you lovely people here in my cozy part of the blogverse. I need to focus my energy on advocacy. This is where my passion truly lies. It is a super sensitive subject for me, it is like someone talking shit about my kids or a loved one; my hackles go up and I need to defend. And not just for bipolar disorder and depression and PTSD, but all of the mental illnesses. People have so far to go to gain a rice grain of understanding. And with the amount of mentally ill people there are in the world, we need fighters. I want to be a fighter, a defender, an educator, an ally.

So I’m going where this passion takes me. I am going blind, but I don’t care. I will use my hands to feel my way to where I need to be. I realize I can’t save the world. I realize stupid is as stupid does, and you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. But I also realize I can’t make a difference if I don’t try. So I will be trying. Trying my damndest to make a difference. I hope to have your support.

All is well

My baby came home yesterday! 🙂 So I’m in better spirits now. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of different things, and this has just solidified the fact that I need therapy. So, I’m actually going to ask the nurse about it when I see her on Wednesday and see if she can get me in to see one at the clinic. I am hoping I don’t have to do a walk in visit. I can’t afford to stay in one place all day with no idea when I can be seen, even if I don’t really do much during the day.

I’m a little miffed about my weightloss. I wanted to lose 5 pounds before I went to see my GP on Tuesday. I managed to knock another pound off, but I woke up this morning to a lovely visit from mother nature herself. So, all the weightloss has been for not. Because now I am carrying around water weight and am bloated. Being a lady is grand! *hrmph* It is what it is, I just have to be ok with the fact that I have done the best that I can and continue to keep up the good work.

This week will be busy. Tuesday and Wednesday I have morning doctor appointments. Wednesday is Sara’s 10th birthday. I ordered her some gourmet cupcakes from a bakery here in town. She requested cupcakes, so I went this route instead of making them. Traditionally we take our kids out to eat where ever they want to go. She hasn’t decided yet, but she wants to go bowling. That may have to wait for the weekend. Then next week, my first born son turns 18! April is the beginning of the birthdays in our family. Sara in April, Nathan in May, Me, Grandma, Grandpa, Sister-in-law, and niece in June (I share a birthday with my niece!), Hubby in July. August is a free month, then my oldest daughter in September, then youngest son in October, and then holidays begin in November. Life starts to get busy now.

I’m feeling a lot better — I think I ran that pesky illness off with all my orange juice and pickles. I am thankful for that. I don’t have time to be sick.

I think I am going to do some laundry today — whatever is left. I did a few loads a couple days ago. But I can use the dryer today because we shut the a/c’s off yesterday because it is so cold outside.

I hope you all have an enjoyable Sunday.

Crutch?

I ran across a post on facebook today that boiled my blood. This person was saying that medication is a crutch. I went with my better judgement and just kept scrolling. I just don’t understand some people.

I certainly do not see medication as a crutch. I see is as a part of treatment. Maybe there is something wrong with my way of thinking?

Oh no, Mr. Bill!

Today has been ok… sorta. I’m trying to get sick apparently.  I feel the bronchitis coming on, so I am killing it with vitamin c and garlic. Vitamin c in the way of OJ and oranges, garlic by way of pickles. My body does not like this combo, but my throat is feeling better. I’ve been on the couch all day watching Ancient Aliens trying to rest. I did get to the store, folded some clothes, and now I’m getting ready to put a load of towels in the wash, and make dinner. I had a huge to-do list, but since I’m trying to get sick I decided to take it easy.

B worked from home today so that was nice. And N mowed the lawn.

That’s all.

attachment

Maybe I’m over thinking this, and feel free to tell me if I am. But I’m wondering if I have an attachment issue with my youngest. She has been gone for almost 3 hours and I already miss her terribly. I’ve not felt like this with any of my other kids. If the opportunity arose where they were gone for a couple days, WOOOHOOO! outta my hair! But not with Sara. I wonder if it is because we are so close. For now anyway. I know it will all change once she hits her teens, which will be here before I know it.

She tells me everyday that I am the greatest mom in the world. She is always telling me how lucky she is to have a mom like me. She still cuddles with me and wants to sit by me and will even be seen out in public with me. I know it will all end, that is why I am soaking everything up now. Each gesture, I absorb it like a dry sponge. She still needs me. And WANTS me.

I’m going to be out of my mind these next two days. I hope I don’t dip into a depression. I have to find things for me to do to keep my mind off of her being gone.

*picture is of Sara and I from vacation last year.

 

Wishy Washy

I know I go back and forth with this, but I feel ready now. I am going to ask for a referral to a therapist when I see my pdoc in May. It has come to my attention that I need to sort through my emotions now that I am pretty stable with this new med increase.

I have come to this conclusion because I feel that my emotions as of late are causing issues when they shouldn’t be. I have things I need to work through for myself to make myself a better version of me. I’m not seeking for perfection. I’m seeking for stability throughout. I have it in my mind, so it is time to get stable in my heart. One could question whats the difference. But there is one.

I will be riding the emotional roller coaster in the next few days. My oldest daughter is coming to get the youngest daughter today after work and taking her for a couple days for some sister time. I’m going to be lost without my little one around. I’m going to be bored, which is going to cause me to run through a gamut of emotions because I will have time to over-think things. I’m going to try my hardest to NOT do that, but I fear it is inevitable.