I have come to terms that I am a fragile flower. I didn’t used to be. I used to be very tough and stoic – most of the women in our family are. My grandma had a rough life, and a stern German upbringing that she carried onto her children, and that was passed onto me. Even so, I have always been in touch with my feelings as well as those feelings of others.
I am aware right now, that I am depressed. I am also aware that it is situational. I’m taking the passing of my truck rather hard. On one hand, it is a total bummer, but shit happens and I’ll get through this. On the other hand, I’ve lost my independence. I have to rely on my husband more than ever now, which causes me guilt — if I wasn’t sick I wouldn’t need him so much.
It is a precarious thing to feel the feelings, yet see the horizon of the problem. I know in my mind that things will get better, it is just going to take time. But my heart… my heart is feeling everything. I don’t know if other people with bipolar are like this, but I feel things deeply no matter what the emotion. I just dive head first into the emotion and drowned in it.
One thing I can say, my husband knows I am having a tough time with this. He has been very compassionate. Even when I asked for a hug last night, he was fine with my reasoning (I was feeling low about the truck). It is like we have an unspoken thing right now, we both know this is a sucky position to be in and we know things will eventually be better, so we comfort each other. I am glad about that right now, because I don’t think I could take him throwing a fit and pouting like a baby because he can’t get “x”.
I’ve been pushing through the emotional pain, trying to stay busy, but really at a snails pace. I just want to lay down and let the day fade away. But I know that is not going to solve anything and things need to be done. I’ve done dishes, washed my son’s bedding and hung it out to dry. I’ve cleaned the pool, and cleaned the counter by the door where we keep… well, everything. I am getting ready to do my stretching excercises and then I am going to clean the living room.