I am so overwhelmed.

I have 2 sinks full of dishes, a back patio filled with empty boxes, my bedroom looks like an amazon warehouse, I can’t even get into my closet.

I’m resting right now. I came home from work, had a cig, made some lunch, then a cup of coffee. But the veggies away and threw out a bunch of veggies we didn’t eat last week. 😦

I’m still not used to this work thing and not having so much time on my hands. Any time I have now, I just want to relax and veg-out.

I am going to try and get some wrapping done tonight. I’ve got to get my sister in-laws’s family gifts out in the mail this weekend. Friday would be ideal.

I’ve also been trying to change up my sleeping schedule. Staying up later until like 8 or 9 instead of going to bed at 7. I haven’t been wearing my CPAP machine because I keep ripping the mask off in the middle of the night, so I have been tired. But I haven’t been napping.

I have to take my daughter to her therapy appointment today and I totally don’t want to. I’m glad tomorrow is Friday.

Good sesh

I had a good session the other day. I guess that is yesterday… LOL

I did get called out though. I always say everything is fine, then my therapist has to pull stuff out of me. I guess he is getting tired of it. I can see how it would be annoying. I am working on not doing that anymore.

Rotten luck

Today I have rotten luck, so, while I have time waiting g to be seen by my therapist, an hour early, because my fingers are too fat to type in the correct time on my phone, I’ll tell you about my rotten luck.

I can’t send a message in this stupid building.

Amazon refunded me money for my son’s big gift that we never received in the mail. We don’t even know if anyone tried to deliver it because we never got notice. So I have to reorder and hope that it gets delivered this time. I’m gonna order it Thursday so it arrives this weekend.

I have no lip balm with me and my lips are chapped.

I’m not gonna be home in time to make dinner on my new stove. Daughter has a preformance tonight.

I still have half an hour until my appointment.

But… my silver lining is at least me new bed is comfortable.

Lonely in America

Ugh. So hubby was gone for the week, right? Now he is gone all this weekend with Masonic stuff. I let him know I was upset and then I felt bad. But here I am again, feeling needy. This is just the time of year I need to feel close to him and I don’t. Because when he isn’t doing something he wants to rest, which I get, and then I feel needy wanting attention and I feel like I’m not allowing him to rest. But I have needs.

Today I took the day slow. I went to the grocery store, started some laundry, went to the post office, and watched a couple movies and took a nap. I’m going to get back to wrapping gifts tonight, there is a hickey game on tonight so, I’m not getting any alone time with him.

I guess we will have something to talk about in session Monday.

So many thanks

I wanted to say thanks to everyone that stepped up and gave me the support I so desperately needed the other night. All your kind words really soothed my soul. Between the support I got here, and the Bipolar group I moderate on FB, I managed to pull through unscathed.

I don’t always respond to your posts, but I read them. Usually through email where I can’t click on “like”. I try to offer support when I know some of you could really use it. I just hope I can repay the kindness that was given to me.

Thank you so much.

Passive Death Thoughts (possible trigger)

Tonight I started having what I call “passive death thoughts”. I know it is because my husband is gone. But I’m starting to go down moodwise so I need to somehow fix it.

The thoughts are just like “Yeah, I would be happy if I died right now” and then I start thinking about killing myself. Not in any particular way, but the act of dying at home and having my kids find me. And then that I would probably not do *whatever* good enough and not actually kill myself but just fuck myself up real good. Tonight the thought went a bit further. Going to work after an overdose and telling people I just tried to kill myself. And how people would think of me then. Like “Wow, I would have never thought she would be depressed.”

The thoughts spiral and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I have to think of reasons not to die, but the problem is that I end up talking negatively to myself. So, for instance, one reason to not die is my kids. but then I tell myself that I’m nothing spectacular anyway. They might miss me for a minute and then they would get over it. I know it is not true and that they would be devastated, but the negative just spirals.

I dunno what to do. I just want to go to bed, but it is only 6pm.