Up and away

I’m a hot mess. I was down this morning and now I am up. Swinging on that bipolar swing!

The good news? Not only do I have therapy Monday, but I see my psych nurse on Thursday. This is most excellent. Because I have been on this Latuda increase for a month now and I think it has given me more mood swings that I have had in any period of time. And being up and down in one day is just too much to handle.

I’m hanging on.

I’ve done some research on what mood stabilizers are available other than Lithium that I HAVEN’T been on. Not too many. Mostly off label use. I’d like to push for Topomax or Gabapentin. But I have a feeling lithium is in my future.

I don’t want to go on lithium for several reasons. I already have a thyroid issue so I’m afraid the lithium is going to wonkify it even more. (Woman have a high rate of lithium-induced thyroid issues) I have a family history of heart problems, I don’t relish the idea of getting an EKG done once a year to make sure my heart is ok if I don’t have to. (Did you know that an EKG once a year is recommended while on lithium??? /you do now) I don’t want to bloat from drinking so much water. That is why I don’t drink tons of it now, it makes me feel bloated. So If I’m drinking it because I’m dehydrating… I don’t want to do the blood tests. I get stuck enough between my thyroid/cholesterol/and cancer checks. (Which I am going to go get done tomorrow as a matter of fact)

Lithium is just not ideal for me.

But it may be my only option.

I don’t see her increasing the Latuda. Not with it causing the mood swings I’ve been having since starting the new dose.

I might just have to buck up and deal.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

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what I want

All I can think about this morning is food. McDonald’s breakfast, cake, cookies, mashed potatoes. Dinner. Lunch. Snacks. CHOCOLATE!

I went to bed at 630 last night. No one did dishes for me. No one made my coffee for me. No one even noticed I was gone. My daughter mentioned this morning that I went to bed early… YUP!

I want to lay in bed today and do nothing. But I have to push through this bullshit. B has a meeting tonight, so that means I get to stay up until 9 to make sure the kids get their homework done, showers in, and go to bed on time. I have one Latuda left, and my new bottle hasn’t showed up yet. This is not a good sign. Thankfully I have therapy Monday. I feel like at least I’m worthy of it now. A couple of weeks ago I was fine. Happy. TOO happy. But maybe it was just normal happy. I’m comfortable in pain. When I’m not morose, I’m afraid and uncomfortable. Something is just not right about that. But it makes perfect sense. This has been my life since I was 15. It’s all I know.

I want a happy spurt. Nothing too happy. Just enough to make me feel better.

I think I’m going to get my painting out today. I have put it away for a while because I need a smaller paintbrush as there are a lot of tiny spaces to paint. But I think I’ll just use a toothpick to get to those spots. Yes. I think I will put on some nice music and get lost in painting today. We’ll see how that plays out.

I’m so tired of life. I’m not suicidal. I’m just tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of being tired.

empty and hollow

I think I spend too much time in my head. I am feeling empty and hollow today. Black on the inside.

Nothing is interesting to me and everything is just like a weight.

I did go out today, had my windows and sun roof open. I bought some water for my CPAP machine and I put gas in the car. I had no desire for the shamrock shake like I did yesterday. I didn’t even really want to go out. But I knew I needed to.

I sprayed myself with some new body spray, but that didn’t help.

Everything is annoying. I didn’t even enjoy the young and the restless today.

I need to call my mom to get out of my head, but I have nothing to say and don’t really feel like talking.

Bipolar sucks.

I just want to be normal. I just want to be level. I hate this going back and forth all the time, never knowing what my mood is going to be like from day to day.

 

Spring has sprung

It is that kind of weather now, where you wear two different outfits per day. Something warm and cozy in the mornings, and then something with short sleeves by the afternoon.

I. Hate. This. Weather.

But it is ok. I stayed in a dark room for most of the day and then this afternoon I opened the curtains to let the horribly cheerful sun shine through my windows.

I wanted to go for a drive this evening, but hubby got home too late. I could have left the kids alone; they are old enough to leave alone. But I hate leaving them alone. So I have plans to take a drive to the ATM tomorrow morning, get 20 out, then go to McDonalds and get a large Shamrock Shake.

That is the plan.

I got my body sprays today. I love them all. One of them smells like a dryer sheet; crisp and clean. I will wear that one when I go to dr appointments. Because everyone should be and smell clean when they go to the doctors.

I bleached my phone case. It is air drying right now.

Today I’ve been agitated. It is weather related. While everyone is happy to see the sun, I am not. This means winter is officially over. No more dark and dreary days. *sniff* *tears* I’ll be ok.

I missed one of my favorite shows last night. Document 72 Hours. They always go to different places in Japan and stay there for 72 hours and interview different people. Sometimes it is really interesting. The night before that I missed Trails to Tsukiji. Luckily I can rewatch everything online when I have the chance.

Tuesday

I couldn’t wait for yesterday to end. That seems to be how I live life right now. Just waiting for bedtime. I’m ready after dinner. I don’t understand it. I’m not tired per se, I just want the day to be over. And sometimes they are not even horrible days. Something to bring up in therapy for sure.

Yesterday I went through the motions. I found things to do to keep me in motion. No emotion attached to anything. Just grinding through the day. Again, just making it through to bedtime.

I’m not terribly depressed which makes these feelings… odd? Just kind of “meh”.

I have to call the pharmacy today. I called them Friday and they were supposed to be expediting my order since I only had a week of pills. I checked last night and I only have 3. Checked the status of my order and it says it is still processing, but that we need to discuss payment. So I need to call and see if they are waiting for me to give them money. The last person I spoke to said it would be shipped and they would bill me. But Mercury is in retrograde and communication is horrible during this phase.

I’m not sure what I will do today. I’m making Salsa chicken for dinner, so it all just goes in the crock pot. No Young and the Restless on for the rest of the week because of March Madness (Basketball tournaments for those of you across the pond). If it warms up I might take a walk outside.