unwell

I’m not well. I’ve been off of work for three days due to a depressive episode. I told work I was sick. My boss texted me today to see if I am coming in tomorrow and that I need a note. Told her I was planning on coming in but I don’t have a note.

All I want to do is die. And I wanted to tell my husband how bad I feel. Like maybe I should go to the ER. But then I think I’m just blowing things out of proportion. Telling myself I am fine but feeling horrible. It would be so easy to swallow some pills tonight. But would anyone even notice. If I had a garage I would just park my car in there and run it, but my garage is full.

The pain I am in is excruciating. And I am full of anxiety. It just feels like right now is not a good time for my pity party. Hubby is going to play poker tonight. my daughter just left for a function. Who am I to ruin everyone’s plans.

all apologies

my dad apologized to me this afternoon. I accepted his apology. But just see it happening again if they don’t get him his medication soon. I feel a little better, but I am still sad. That is a lot to go through. lots of ups and downs. Exhausting.

What a weekend

I’m left with all kinds of feelings right now. Today I came home from my parents house. Yesterday went ok, until the evening hit. Then my dad hallucinated that there was a man sitting next to me and I was at my parents house having an affair with this man. I didn’t know this until I got up this morning and mom and I were having coffee.

When dad got up he was still mad. Gave me his attitude (you never want to be on the receiving end of my dad’s attitude) and proceeded to tell me how much I have disappointed him.

I know that I shouldn’t take it personally, and in my right mind I’m not. But I’m bipolar with triggers. And it was just trigger after trigger this morning. I’m even feeling ashamed for something I haven’t even done.

I told m mom that hubby said he could take me out every other weekend. But it might be awhile. Dad said I could come, but I might wait until he is on his medicine (Stupid PA’s) because I can’t be around my dad when he is so mad at me.

weekend

My dad is still doing bad. I’m going out there this weekend. Staying the night saturday and coming home Sunday to spend some time with my dad and to give my mom a break. My husband is the greatest. He is taking me and picking me up. That is an hour drive each way. He offered twice, so I took him up on the offer. He is going to take me a way that I don’t need to get on the highway, so then I can go by myself. Hopefully it’s not too difficult. I’m feeling very loved right now.

I stayed late at work today, my relief has the flu so I had to stay until nap time.

I’m not going to get much in the way of rest and relaxation this weekend, but I’ll be taking care of my dad and that is what matters most to me right now.

 

tug on the ol heartstrings

My dad broke my heart just a bit ago. He asked me to come pick him up (I live an hour away) and he didn’t care where we went, just as long as he was with me. I was speechless. He is hurting, and it is so horrible watching him in this pain and not being able to do anything about it.

I told them maybe if hubby didn’t have anything going on this weekend I would come out. So I will talk to hubby tonight and see. If not, I’ll have to go alone. Which gives me all different kinds of anxiety. Like I would need a stiff drink upon my arrival.

Work was meh. I got a talking to because I had too many kids in my class. And then I got brought up to speed on a bunch of little things because… when summer gets here, it will just be me in charge. The only thing I have thought about this week is looking for another job. Today I just wanted to keep on driving anywhere but work.

I’ve got a lot goig on in my head. Between work, my depression, anxiety for my hubby leaving again, my dad’s situation. Nothing I have any control over.

out of control anxiety

I think I need to ring my therapist and see if I can get in. My anxiety is out of control. I am terrified that I am going to jail for not paying my medical bill. I tried talking to my mom, but she just told me she didn’t have time for this shit because my dad was enough to handle right now. Call her after court. Gee, thanks mom for being so supportive.

Hubby comes home today and i don’t want to dump all over him but I’m afraid I’m just going to cry because I’m so relieved to see him and all the bad stuff can stop happening.

monday

it has been a monday. I lost my shit at work today. I’ve been on ednge because of the depression I’m currently under and today one of my students was just being an absolute punk. I kind of yelled at him, not bad, but I yelled, and I told him he was making me mad. I feel so bad about it now. I started looking for another job. I’ll keep looking, maybe I’ll find something else. Today was just a bad day, but I am getting tired of the way things are ran at my place of employment. I no longer have joy for work anymore. And the days drag because I don’t even want to be there, and then not knowing if I am ever going to get off on time or not because my relief never shows up. Maybe my feelings will change once the depression goes away. I dunno.