Susan

Yesterday during mass, I found out that a friend of mine passed away. Susan was a great lady. She helped me with getting back into the Catholic church by helping me with my annulments, teaching during RCIA classes, and she was even my sponsor for my Confirmation. Susan was old school. She reminded me a lot of my grandmother. Hard on the outside but soft on the inside. She was very much a “pick yourself up and dust yourself off” kind of lady. To hear of her passing just broke my heart.

Apparently, she was diagnosed with breast cancer around Thanksgiving, and she passed away last week. It got her fast. Her funeral is Monday, and I’m not sure if I am going. I wasn’t invited, but the information was in her obituary. My husband said that if it was listed in the obit, that it is ok for me to go. I would like to go and pay my respects. I’m not sure if I will be able to hold myself together. I’ve only been to one other funeral. That was my grandmothers. And I was a hot mess. But that was my grandmother, ya know? I decided if I do go, I am going to wear the necklace that Susan gave me for confirmation. It is a beautiful pewter cross with a sword through it. The sword has broken off because the metal is so soft, and I used to wear it all the time. I stopped wearing it because I didn’t want to damage it anymore. But I think Monday would be a perfect day to wear it.

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Behind

I’m pretty behind on reading blogs. I’ve skimmed through and have tried to catch up with my regular peeps but to be honest with you, the focus just isn’t there right now. I am constantly finding shiny things to look at. Metaphorically speaking of course.

My daughter had to stay home from school today. She apparently has a stomach virus. She had been vomiting all night and complained of a stomach ache. She is finally starting to run a low-grade fever. Hopefully, this will be gone by tomorrow because she has a Christmas party to go to and has to serve at mass.

I took the liberty of checking our my insurance’s drug formulary to see if they covered Straterra. They don’t cover the brand name, but they do cover the generic version. But…. I will need an authorization. They, of course, want me to try taking a stimulant first. Which isn’t going to fly. So if it comes down to getting an RX for the ADHD, the clinic is going to have to deal with the PA for it. And I will have to play the waiting game to get my meds. But I’m getting way ahead of myself here. I learned that Straterra is also an NDRI which is why it shouldn’t be taken with Wellbutrin, as it is the same type of drug. So I am quickly learning that my choices are extremely limited or I go to a different doctor to get an rx and risk getting kicked out of the mental health clinic I go to because I take a stimulant. Aint that just grand? Nothing in my life can be easy. Nothing.

Today, on a group I am in on FB, someone asked a bipolar person why they were depressed. I read this pre-coffee, and I was livid when I read that. How in the hell can you ask someone with bipolar why they are depressed? They don’t fucking know, they just are, unless they have had a trigger. My first response was too stern so I had to erase it and explain nicely. Sometimes I hate being nice.

I’ve been getting some good feedback from other people about my upcoming position as crisis counselor. Just not from my husband. I just wish he would get excited about something for me for once. But I guess it’s my fault. I always manage to fuck something up. Like my job in the cafeteria, which did make him excited, and then when I asked him if I could quit, he got pissed. So whatever I start, I never finish or stick with. Common bipolar trait. So, I can see where getting excited about something would be dumb.

I’m good. I’m not in a negative mood, though my previous paragraph may make it seem so. I’m just being realistic.

Got a phone call from my son’s teacher, letting me know what a great student he is. That made me proud. I haven’t told him about it yet. I’m waiting until my husband can hear it.

part deux

I’ve been taking the additional anxiety meds. My anxiety has turned into irritability. I’m trying to ignore it and let it go. Trying to keep busy. I’m in the middle of laundry right now so I just had to blog, as it makes me feel better.

On the plus side, I guess my muscle relaxers are in fact working. I’ve been taking them again since Monday, and I haven’t had to log any pain this week. So my little experiment worked.(I went off of them for a week to see if they were really helping me)

Which brings me to meds. I’m at the point where I don’t want to take them anymore. I’m going to keep taking them, I just don’t want to. I hate the fact that I take so many because there is so much “unique” about me.  Day in, day out, popping pills, and the only thing I get out of it is the ability to be stable on some days. *sigh* I’m sure it is just my mood.

And in the news Net Neutrality is in danger in the USA. The current administration is really giving us the shaft in pretty much everything. They are certainly catering to the rich. I’m NOT a Trump supporter, but I regretfully respect that he is the president. I’m just along for the ride, and so far it has NOT been a fun one. If they pass this bill, our internet will be censored. We will be charged to visit places like Facebook or Netflix. On top of what we already pay for crappy service (internet is not cheap for good service, and most of that is capped and then your speed goes down once you have used up your data limit) The US is really screwed right now and it is causing me a lot of anxiety. I try to avoid politics, it is not one of my favorite topics, so that is all that is going to be said on that front.

I don’t want to be today. But I’m moving along. I’m forcing it. I hope this is not another trip down mania lane. because the irritability just grows as the minutes pass.

Anxiety

I am filled with much anxiety today. And it is really stupid. I’m having some anxiety over a blood test that was done back in 2010. I am afraid it wasn’t followed up with properly. I am afraid that I was told the wrong thing. I am afraid that I have been misdiagnosed with something because follow up tests were not done. I am moments away from calling my PCP and making an appointment to go over these old test results. But then I’m telling myself that is simply ridiculous and she is going to look at me like a hypochondriac. So I have asked my nurse family/friends about it. I’ll see what they say and then maybe email my doctor about it. Maybe.

I’ve taken my meds this morning, which includes my anxiety med. I’m just waiting for it to kick in. If it doesn’t help, I’m going to have to take my emergency pill.

I started the oven to make some chocolate chip cookies this morning. I think I’m going to wrap gifts today. But, I also want to get out of the house today. Maybe the library, maybe the pet store to research dog food. I haven’t decided yet. Maybe both! LOL I’m getting ahead of myself.

 

image credit: http://www.meganotravels.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/anxietygirl.jpg

It’s been an amusing day

My day has been filled with amusement. Reflecting back on my day, that is the best word to describe it. I’ll never understand why people are afraid to learn for themselves. I’m not against asking questions, but if you can find the answer on your own, try. Google is your friend. It doesn’t bite. You use it long enough and you will get to a point where you can tell the difference between the “fake news” and the reliable information. It really isn’t that hard. I often ask questions, but first I attempt to find the answer by doing my own research. If I don’t find the answer, I ask.

I accidentally found out today that my car has a 6 disk cd changer. I thought it was just a single cd player. I put a cd in today and it said Disk 2 and then showed 4 other slots on the digital readout. Huh… whadda ya know. My car is pretty fancy dan! I was amused folks.

I wrapped 3 whole gifts today. I still have more to go, but I am almost finished. And then I spent the afternoon baking cookies. The peanut butter kind with a Hershey kiss on top. I’ve got enough to make another batch of 40 plus I have the stuff to make chocolate chip cookies. Baking relaxes me. I know I’m not supposed to be doing it because my therapist thinks it triggers me into depression. But I feel like to good just outweighs the bad.

I was supposed to do laundry today, but I didn’t get to it. I’ll either do it tomorrow or just wait until the weekend. I know it will be more laundry (that is why I do it twice a week) but that is ok.

I had to go to the grocery today to get more bird food. I also got her a new toy for her cage. A little mirror that she can spin around. She likes toys. I was thinking about getting her a new perch, but decided against it. Maybe next week.

 

doing better

I’m doing much better today. I have gotten dressed and had breakfast and I’m getting ready to do some stuff. Yesterday was a bad day. I think I was triggered by the stupid package situation. Good news, everything is on its way today. I was going to go out today and research some new dog food, but I need to stay home for the UPS guy since I have to sign for my packages, and the weather is nasty. Blowing snow, cold temperatures, and slick roads. So, I’ll do that tomorrow.

I asked my husband if I can get a carpet shampooer. Our carpet is in dire need of cleaning, and I would like to get that done before Christmas, when we are going to have company. We used to just rent a cleaner, but the grocery doesn’t do that anymore, and besides, even if they did, I wouldn’t be able to get one because I have no way to transport an industrial cleaner in my car. I’m waiting for his response. I hope he says yes. Otherwise, we are going to have a nasty carpet that is so embarrassing to me.

I have my last therapy appointment next week. And it won’t even be a true session, it is just an admin session closing out my case. I’m going to miss my therapist. It was nice just to get stuff out and given tools to deal with various emotions.