This makes absolutely no sense to me. Maybe I haven’t had enough coffee?
Your blog, Color Me Bipolar, appears to be getting more traffic than usual! 168 hourly views – 0 hourly views on average
0 hourly views? That doesn’t really sound like a spike. HAHAHAHA
I am on a serious coaster today. My husband hasn’t come home yet and I am afraid. Not like anything bad is going to happen, but I flipped out on him in a text message over our son while he was at work and now I am feeling terrible about it. I feel like he doesn’t even want to come home.
I hate that. When something happens I react to it right away. And I usually over react. But then I calm down and I realize I over reacted. Like I am allowing myself to be mad over the situation, but I’m not so mad I would kick my kid out if he was 18. That was me flying off the handle. And I do that too often. So, I need to apologize to my husband.
For the first time in a long time, I wanted to self harm. I wanted to purge the energy that was taking over my body. I didn’t know how to properly react. I don’t know how to solve the issue. And this has me…. I don’t even know what. Frustrated? I feel like I have failed as a parent. I feel disprespected. I feel…. I feel all the feels and it is just too much.
Then I just wanted to go away. Dying flashed through my mind for a moment. All because I couldn’t handle a situation. Or handle it to the best of my ability. Maybe I’m expecting too much from myself? I don’t even know if what I am feeling is the right way to feel. I’ve been second guessing myself all afternoon.
It would be so nice if I had a therapist to call.
My day isn’t getting any better. My youngest son and I are going to go rounds when he gets home. I can see his internet history on my computer because my current computer and my old computer are connected. I did not like what I found today. This is something that we have been through and I thought he was getting better. Apparently the only better he has been getting is at hiding things from me. IF he was 18, I’d kick him out. I know that is a bold statement, but he apparently can’t keep from doing illegal things. I have a family to protect. I don’t need to feel anxious about some stranger coming for my kid(s). You don’t really KNOW who you talk to on the internet. Especially in lewd situations. I have explained the dangers and the legality of it all and it doesn’t seem to bother him. So, today I’m going to share that whenever I find this shit, I am triggered. I re-live past traumas. I wonder what I did wrong. I fear for my kids. He doesn’t have a hard life. He’s never been abused. Hardly ever been really YELLED at. He has nowhere near the upbringing I did. So I don’t understand this horrible behaviour. I am SO GLAD he starts therapy Wednesday. I don’t have the answers on how to fix this. It makes me sick. It makes me anxious. and it fills me with fear. I can’t deal with this shit today. But I’m gonna have to.
Yesterday I was in a shit stirring mood. I was just stirring the pot where ever I went. That is just the mood I was in.
Today I’m irritated. I had a horrible night of sleep. I can’t say for sure if this is what triggered my irritability, but it sure hasn’t helped. I venture out to the kitchen to grab my cup of coffee and I notice a wine cork. I looked where my bottle of wine was and it wasn’t there anymore. I found it in the fridge. On the counter was a single serve wine bottle, empty, and a whisky bottle, empty. Apparently after a night of drinking, he couldn’t stop at the end of his whiskey bottle and the wine I told him he COULD have, but he had to open my bottle of wine. What the actual fuck?!?!? What makes this ok? He didn’t even ask, he just took.
I then went to our bank account to check and see if the money my mom transferred over had hit the bank yet so I can order my meds (out of sleeping pills now, even though they haven’t been working). He transferred over some money yesterday to get things taken care of with stuff he had to fix around the house yesterday. Totally fine. Then his life insurance payment came out. He failed to transfer enough money over to get us through to payday. So now we are down to squat. Our son has a therapy appointment on Wednesday and we have to take our daughter out for dinner on Thursday. Here is what added further to my irritation: he didn’t transfer enough money. We are only allowed a certain amount of transfers per month. If we go over that, we get charged. He constantly tells me when I am going to transfer money over, to make sure it is enough, because we have a transfer limit. Furthermore, I’m not allowed to transfer money unless he tells me it is ok. Annoyed is putting it lightly.
I don’t know if my agitation has carried over from yesterday. If I’m just having a “Monday”, or if I am on the verge of having an “angry” mania episode. I know I just need everyone to stay out of my way today.
Happy Monday.
[image credit: pintrest]
I’m just going to whine here for a minute.
I got PART of my labs back today. I say part, because I got a notice from the lab that they had a lavender vile with no testing instructions and is giving my doctor a certain date to get back with them to tell them what to test for. And, my thyroid has gotten worse. (Would totally explain my weight gain and my laziness) So I had to get a new rx today for a higher dose of my thyroid medication.
I got a call from the pharmacy about “how am I going to pay” for my meds that were just ordered. I asked my mom for help, and she doesn’t have it right now, she would have to put it on her credit card. So, I can’t get it until next Friday. The pharmacy is giving me until the 28th to come up with a way to pay. Meanwhile, I have a steroid cream for this allergic rash on my forhead and eye that I kinda need. (Did I tell you about that? I can’t remember. I booped my cat and now have a bumpy crusty allergic rash on my forhead and eye. SO HOT!) Guess I dont get it til next week. Meanwhile I keep scrubbing my face which takes the scales off but just makes the rash worse. *sigh*
And just when I was so proud of my husband for stopping drinking…. he came home with a bottle of whiskey tonight. I guess now I don’t have to feel bad for breaking into my wine tonight.
There. I’m done.
Woohoo! An award! I get excited when I get nominated for these. It gives me some confidence. 🙂 I was nominated by The Colour of Madness. I just started following. You should check out her blog. She blogs about living with bipolar disorder and mental illness.
What is Mystery Blogger Award?
“This is an award for amazing bloggers with indigenous posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging and they do it with so much love and passion.” – Okoto Enigma
Rules:
Three Things About Me: (Iggy)
Kate’s Questions For Me:
What is your favorite type of self-care?
I think it is a toss up between painting my nails or soaking in a hot bath by candlelight and incense.
Do you own pets? And if so, how do they affect your mental health?
I have 2 dogs (Bella and Trinity), 2 cats (Shadow and Pixel), and 1 white dove (Harmony). They each do different things for my mental health. Trinity is a snuggle bug and she is always laying in the crook of my legs. She keeps me company. Bella is soothing. Too big to be a lap dog though. When depressed, she give me motivation to get up and play with her. And she will bug me by whining until I play with her. The cats are chill and they like to lay in bed with me. When I’m depressed they always come up and boop me or lay down next to me as if they are saying “You are not alone”. Harmony provides me with much serenity. She laughs and that is my favorite. Her songs are so soothing.
If you had $5,000,000 to spend on something other than for your own personal gain, what would you spend it on?
I would pay off my mom, sister, and daughters house. I would donate to my church and to my local animal shelter.
Are you a grudge holder or a forgiver?
Quite honestly, I am both. It depends on the situation. And given enough time, I will eventually drop a grudge. I forgive far too often and far too easily. My problem is that I can see both sides of a situation, no matter what the situation is. It is a curse really.
What is your favorite social media platform and why?
I would have to say Facebook. I am able to keep in contact with people that I normally wouldn’t have been able to if there was no facebook. I’m friends with my crew of gals I hung out with in high school, and that is very important to me. I tend to keep my friends list people who I actually know in real life. So, if I don’t know you in real life and I am friends with you, that is pretty special.
My Nominees:
My Questions:
I’ve been doing research on the company I go in for testing next week. I don’t think it is going to be a good fit for me. Doubt I will even make it past the testing, especially if they are testing for math and calculators are NOT allowed (I was told this by the recruiter). I’m going to go to appease my husband. I’m even going to share this link with him. Honestly, I have enough issues with keeping my mood level, I don’t need to be micromanaged and I don’t need anyone saying stuff about my weight. I’ll keep putting my resume in places. But I don’t have a good feeling about this place. What do you think?
https://www.reddit.com/r/dayton/comments/2l8azn/reynolds_reynolds/
