appetite

My appetite has gone downhill since taking Adderal. Which is a side effect. I could go the say without eating with the exception of breakfast because I am famished in the mornings before I take my meds. I still force myself to eat. Or I eat because I’m bored. Now I’m on the border of not hungry and not wanting to eat or eating my feelings with everything going on with my dad.

I thought about going to the DG to get some snacks for the debate but I’m no hungry so I don’t want to think about snacks.

We are having beans ad rice for dinner tonight. I’m making a double batch and extra rice, so I think I’m just going to eat rice. When I go to the store to get my son’s birthday cake (he turns 18 on Thursday) I’m picking me up sone Ensure so I’m not forcing myself to eat for the sake of taking my medication.

I went up on my milage today. I progressed to a mile and a half. Next week it will be two miles, then two and a half miles, then three miles. So I’m proud of myself for that. It killed me because I couldn’t focus even though I had music on. I’ll be glad when I go back to see Janet and she increases the adderal. The motivation doesn’t help much if I have no focus or attention span. I want to work on one of my crafts or read a book, I really need to do some self care, but I don’t have the focus.

I don’t really feel like cooking, But I’m going to do it anyway because it is my job and responsibility.

update on dad

Update on Dad… Stillwater contacted mom last night. Dad is declining and she wanted to make sure they could give him something for pain and restlessness. Mom agreed of course. We want him as comfortable as possible. Mom asked about having the Priest come in and do an anointing and the lady was going to leave a note for the nurse. Not sure Fr. David will be able to go into the facility or if this will have to be done at the window. Please keep the prayers going for my dad. Will continue to keep you all posted. We also decided to have Miami County come in and do hospice. Moving dad to the VA just wouldn’t be in his best interest at this time. He needs to stay put where he is getting excellent care and used to his surroundings.

This is now the way I wanted to wake up this morning. Waterworks going on with my coffee. But we are prepared for the end as best as we can be. The Funeral home is picked out. Pallbearers are picked out, the suit is picked out, obit has been written. All we need to do is pick out the readings for mass and songs. I’m leaving that to my mom.

at a loss

I have no idea what to do today. Im at a loss. I only have deep cleaning the bathrooms on my to-do list and I really don’t feel like doing that. I hate cleaning the bathrooms it is so gross and our hall bathroom is small and hard to reach in the tub to clean it because it is right by the toilet. Not much room to get in there and scrub.

I can’t go on my walk today because hubby has meetings all day so it will have to wait until tonight after dinner.

What to do, what to do, what to do…

Monday

Therapy went ok. Talked a lot about dad and my feelings about what is going on with him. Of course, he pushed the mindfulness.

 

Then I got a call from my daughter’s school to come to pick her up. She has cramps. She is on her period. She has stomach ache (Cramps) dizziness and a headache. All telltale signs of being on your period. She is out for 10 days due to COVID or she can go to the doctor to get cleared for school. I understand why they are doing it, but I am also upset at the same time. I have to spend a copay so the doctor can give me a note. I’m calling the doctor tomorrow to see if we can get her in before the 8th. If they tell me to go to urgent care, she will just stay home the 10 days because I’m not paying 50 bucks for a note.

Monday

I had a weird dream last night. I ordered 3 pizzas and one of them came blank, just the crust, and the cheese for it was on another pizza and it lifted off and was cold. I dunno what that was all about.

I have no idea what I am going to do today. I know I’m going to walk after my therapy session. I only have one thing left on my to-do list and that is deep cleaning the bathrooms.

My son’s birthday is on the 1st so I need to order his birthday gift. He is supposed to tell me what kind of birthday cake he wants. Hopefully, it is not one that will take a lot of work. My boys find these cakes that need to be done by scratch and difficult to find ingredients.

I was going to stay up and watch the debate on Tuesday, but I think I’m just going to DVR it. Watching Trump before bed is probably not a good idea. Getting my blood pressure up is not a good way to go to sleep.

I belong to a mom’s with anxiety group on facebook. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have anxiety that bad. My anxiety is usually triggered. I don’t normally have it just because, though sometimes I do. They are all new mothers it seems like too. I’m an old mother with 4 kids so I don’t worry about much. These mom’s worry about everything. I’m thinking of leaving the group because I can’t relate.

Off to get ready for my day… Will post after I have therapy.

I hate Sundays

I hate Sundays. Nothing is on tv. I’m energetic and need something to do. I put the clothes away in the bedroom, got my laundry ready, but my son has laundry in the dryer so I have to wait for him to get finished. I need to change the sheets on my bed which I am getting ready to do. I need to scrub a pot out but it is soaking right now. I need to do my meditation video today and walk. I probably won’t walk today though. I have therapy tomorrow and I will probably talk about my dad and his current status.

Ive been fighting with my daughter all morning. Yesterday was her day for dishes and I woke up this morning and both sinks were full of dishes. So I woke her up this morning and made her do the dishes. I harped on her about doing her missing work and now she is afraid to come down to get any lunch. Bets that she wont get her missing work done? I want to keep harping on her about it otherwise she won’t do it. But I’m just waiting until tomorrow and then going to ground her. Her brother got into the m middle of it and is telling me to chill and to change my tone of voice. I’m aggravated and frustrated and have tried to talk to her in a calm manner and she still gets irate. I’m so over it. And she has no problem yelling at me or her dad.

Well, I’d better get busy;

topsy turvy

My world is upside down right now with my dad declining. Half of his obit has been written, thanks to my mom. I am grieving a little more every day. Every day, numerous times, I find myself fighting back tears. I wish I could just let myself cry but it is instinct to stop the tears from flowing until there is a floodgate and I know the floodgate will happen when the end is here. Unless for some reason I am in total shock. I would much rather my dad not be going through this long-drawn-out process. It is no way to live. For whatever reason, he is hanging on. I just wish this COVID thing wasn’t happening. I need to touch my dad. I need to run my fingers through his soft silvery hair. I need to hold his hand, I need to hug him, I need to kiss him. All of that has been taken away because of COVID and it makes things that much harder.

is this real life?

Things continue to go downhill. Hospice is being called in. But with him having COVID there Is a slim chance any facility will take him. We are requesting a re-test to make sure he has COVID.

We as a family have started getting everything in order. Where to hold the viewing and funeral, pall barrers, what he is to wear, songs to play, etc etc… Most of this is just ideas because with COVID we are not sure how many people will be allowed at the viewing or if one can even happen. Same with the funeral how many people can come?

I had a horrible thought… If he gets to the stage of COVID where he can’t breath, we can’t put him on a machine because he is DNR. So he will basically suffocate if he gets to that stage which makes me sick.

This is all so very hard. I am continuously fighting back tears. I would love to just lose it and cry until I can’t cry no more. But I’m sure that will come in the end.

Great time to lower my Latuda.

dad going down hill

So a few things have been happening. To sum it up, Dad has stopped eating and drinking. After 2 days they were going to start him on fluids. His living will prohibits feeding tubes or hydration. So the iv was refused after much deliberation between my family and a consultation with my aunt who is a retired head nurse.

He is still moving around, but the doctor said the lack of fluids will kick start the end of life process. If he continues I don’t see him being around for much longer.