new decision

I made a new decision today.

(backstory) I work as a substitute aide for the local school system. This means I would work in the nurse’s office and help out or I would help teachers in their classrooms when their assistance were out (special needs classrooms). That was until the school system updated their policies at the end of last year’s school year. Now, in order to be a substitute aid, you have to have an associates degree, or be going to college, or take a test and get a permit. Or, sub as something else that you don’t need a degree or permit for.

That left being a substitute secretary.

I have not worked for the school all year.

I got my yearly check in letter in the mail today. Do you still want to be an aide? Circle yes or no and send it back to us.

I was going to say no. Hubby convinced me that I have my foot in the door right now. Why not hang in there and see if something comes of it.

Sure, why not.

Then I got to thinking about how much I missed working with the kids. How much I missed getting out of the house a couple hours of the day a few days of the week. And I decided to look into getting my testing in and applying for a permit.

I contacted the personnel secretary to have her clear some questions up for me, and told her that I wanted to pursue getting my permit.

The thing is… I really feel like this is what I want. But am I going to feel the same way tomorrow? Bipolar disorder makes me so fickle. I seriously never know what each new day is going to bring me. It’s always a suprise.

So, we will see how this goes.

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Easy Frappuccino Hack

I LOVE Starbuck Frappuccino’s. Mocha or Caramel. I found a hack and it is just as good as startbucks, but you can make it at home.

Ingredients:

1 cup of ice

1/2 cup of milk

1/2 cup of coffee (the darker the better)

2 tabelspoons of chocolate sauce or caramel sauce (I just use hershy’s ice cream syrup)

1 tabelspoon of sugar ( I use 2-3 packets of sweetner instead)

put everything in a blender, and blend until ice is no longer chunky.

Pour in a glass and drink!

New Tattoo idea

So, I can’t remember if it is a NAMI org or MHA org, but one of them do free MI tattoos for the month of May for a day at a designated shop. They only do so many, so you have to respond quickly. I didn’t get it in time. But I do have an idea for a new tatt.

I want to get the word “Hope” in pretty writing and in place of the O I want the MI awareness ribbon. On my wrist by the way…LOL

I haven’t told my husband yet. Maybe I can get it done for my birthday.

In with the positive and out with the bullshit

I woke up in a different mood today. I’m tired of the bullshit that I’ve been dealing with (all MI related, nothing personal). I need to let the negative feelings go and allow myself to breathe in everything positive.

I used to be able to find the silver lining in everything and hold on to that in rough times. Somewhere along the way I’ve forgotten how to do that. I need to remember.

I’m getting worn down real quick. Feeling defeated and exhausted of dealing with the same bullshit on different days. It is time to bask in the glow of the sun.

Is this even possible? Sure, if I allow it.

It is going to be difficult. But if I’m going to get through this crap, I need to breathe in the good and let go of the bad.

At least I woke up

I woke up, head spinning and antsy. Got tired of it and told myself I wasn’t going to go through another day of me trying to hold my mind still so I can function. So, I took 2 hydroxyzine to slow stuff down. It worked. Like a charm even. Is this drug abuse? I’m not sure, but if it helped I’m going with it. I took a short nap, woke up feeling great.

Then I took my training assessment. I failed miserably. And it pissed me off. And now I am holding onto that anger and lashing out. I’m trying to contain myself, but I’m a “wear your heart on your sleeve” kinda gal, so… the anger shows.

I’m pissed because if I was getting proper treatment for the ADHD there is a good chance I would have passed the training assessment. I couldn’t retain squat. I mean I literally retained about 1% of what I read. I am so damn frustrated. My husband is trying to be cute and funny, but it is not amusing. I know he is trying to turn my frown upside down, but instead, it is just pissing me off.

I’ve been doing a lot of fighting this week, and I’m so fucking tired. And I have no one to talk about it with because no one believes the ADHD diagnosis. Well, I’m fucking living with it, not them. At least they finally have a grasp of the bipolar side of things.

Ugh. I am sorry to repeat myself, but I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking annoyed and irritated over this. It makes me feel stupid. Like, who can’t read a piece of paper and remember what they have read? It is a very simple task. And yet, it is apparently too difficult for me to do it. Another job slips out of my hands because I’m too fucking stupid. I have a faulty brain.

I don’t even know how to let this go.