Last full day here

Today is my last full day here. Last night was a mess. We went to his friends room around 8:30 last night. I left at 10:30, alone. Hubby was going to finish his drink. 2 hours later he was still not back in the room, so I texted him quite a few times and called with no answer. Had I had not been in my nightgown I would have went to the room and dragged his ass back to our room. Instead I just stewed. He FINALLY came home. Wasted. And he was being a dick. I told him about it this morning and he didn’t remember ANY of it. Of course not! Who remembers anything after they have had a full bottle of whiskey.

He had to go do some work today in preparation for tomorrow. I went shopping while he was gone and bought myself a caramel frappuccino at Starbucks. When he came back from work, we went out to lunch. Now he s off at his friends room getting his computer ready for tomorrow. I told him not to take too long and not to blow me off like he did last night. He said he wouldn’t.

I have mixed feelings about being here. I have had some good times, but I haven’t gotten to spend as much time with my husband as I thought I would have. In theory, we had the whole weekend together. But then they got this brilliant idea to set up a meeting Monday morning before we leave, so…. he has been working off and on all weekend. If I am asked to come again, I think I am going to respectfully decline. Because in retrospect I probably would have been better off at home.

At least I can say I have been to Hawaii. I’m just not coming back when there is anything work related going on.

So my mood today is a bit somber. And probably wont be changing anytime soon. He is working in the morning tomorrow so I am in charge of checking out tomorrow and getting our luggage taken down to storage until he gets back from work. Which also means I will be spending time with the wife of the friend, who happens to be sick now, so she is just a joy to be around.

I’ll just be glad to get home.


Phew! That was just horrible!

My horribleness passed. Today was MUCH better. I spent a lovely day with my husband and one of his friends before we had to drop him off at the airport. Went hiking up a mountain in 85* weather. It was hot, I was dehydrated, and I did NOT make it up the mountain to see the falls. But that is perfectly ok with me. Apparently the terrain got quite bad the closer you got to the top of the mountain. My body just couldn’t handle it. I guess I’m getting old… not to mention out of shape.

Dinner was nice. Had a quiet dinner in a noisy restaurant tonight. Had a lovely glass of overpriced moscato. (12.95 for 9 oz!) But it was like my husband and I were the only ones in the world. Then we walked back to our hotel as the sun was setting along the boardwalk. It was horribly romantic, despite my sweating like a pig.

Yes, today is a much MUCH better day. Hubby just ran down stairs to buy me a candy bar to eat and take my pill. I told him it was going to make me sleepy, and he said that was allright, that will be a good excuse to leave early. We have to help them finish off all of their alcohol before we leave. I know I am not supposed to mix alcohol with my meds, if anything it is going to make me sleepy faster. I only let loose like this every so often.

here is a picture of tonights sunset

waikiki, honolulu, hawaii 2018


this fucking sucks

I know I just made myself look like a complete and utter bitch. I told my husband I was going back to the room because I needed to take my meds as I forgot to do it after dinner. “We’ll all be here” I told him “I’m  not coming back.” Everyone in the room was like OUCH! Then there were some words about me locking him out, I’m not quite sure what they were exactly, but I was being a major bitch.

It’s just like a switch flipped and there was no going back. I needed to isolate. You feel that shit come on bad and quick. And there is no stopping it.

All I wanted to do was spend time alone with my husband. He has spent all fucking week with his friends and we have not had one moment alone. And now I keep texting him and he is not answering me. It is making me feel bad and mad at all the same time. And it is too late to call anyone at home.


It creeps in

I’m feeling a horrible mood switch creeping in. I’m at a social gathering right now and have to find a way to politely excuse myself. I was in a great mood until I got here. I wanted to go out with my husband tonight but he wanted to come to his friends room and drink. I had one drink. Jack and coke. I need to take my meds before this turns into a nightmare.


Still here. Still doing ok. Anxiety got high a little last night. We were at a VERY crowded bar/restaurant and it was crazy. Like standing room only. But after a few drinks, I was ok. I know, not the ideal way to deal with anxiety, but that is all I had to work with at the time.

Went and sat out by the pool yesterday. Got a little pink. For some reason, my foot got super sunburned. Weird. But it looks worse than it feels.  Didn’t go to the pool today. Wasn’t going to take a chance of getting more sunburnt, plus it is humid out so I am sweating bullets. I take a washcloth with me everywhere I go because I just drip with sweat. I’m actually going to take a cold shower after housekeeping leaves.

I get to spend the weekend with my hubby and I am super excited. It has been fun going out to dinner with him every night, and we have been to some seriously high-end places. I went to do a little shopping today for souvenirs for my oldest and nothing tripped my trigger. I think I want to get my youngest something else, because I only got her a bracelet and her brothers got t-shirts. They have some really cute dresses here, but I’m still on the fence about them.

I drank entirely too much yesterday. But I didn’t get stupid drunk like my hubby. I had 2 banana daquaries, 2 lava flows (SUPER YUMMY!) and three glasses of wine. I think my meds have increased my tolerance levels. I don’t think there will be as much drinking tonight. Last night we took a cab out to dinner, tonight we are driving and hubby has to take his boss to the airport tonight after dinner, so…. No fun. But we don’t have to get up early tomorrow so maybe we will go to the hotel bar tonight. I just want to spend some time with my husband. It has done us a lot of good. I know it has made me feel a lot better. But then again, I have grown to be a very needy person. I need him. And I am ok with that. ❤

Anxiety, Mental Health, Uncategorized

Just another day in paradise

My time is coming close to when I have to leave this place.  A week left. Co-Workers arrived 2 days ago. When they arrived we went out for a big dinner and drank lots and lots of wine. Then went back to their room and drank more wine while watching the Honolulu Day fireworks. They were really something to see. I was drunk, but woke up with no hangover the next day. YAY!

I got to sleep in today. I woke up at 6 a.m. LOL I have consistently been waking up between 4 and 5 every morning. Right now I am just relaxing before my day gets started. We (co-workers wife and I) will be spending the day in the North Shore. Meeting up with everyone for dinner in that area tonight when the guys get off of work.

Mental health has been hit and miss. I’m pretty good for the most part. I’ve had rigid moments where I needed a time out because I was getting very grumpy from too much activity and stimuli. I’ve been taking the hydroxyzine on days where I will be doing a lot of traveling on the highway. Today is one of those days.

I have a lot of pictures, with more to come. I think I am just going to throw them all in an online album where everyone can look through them all. I’ll post it up when I get that done.

My favorite place I have visited so far is called the Byodo-In it is a Buddhist temple. It was very serene and beautiful.


Aloha from Honolulu (Waikiki)

After 14 hours on a plane yesterday I made it to Hawaii. I went to bed at 7pm Hawaii time which ends up being 1 am Ohio time. I had been up since 2:30 am Thursday morning. I was up for nearly 24 hours with no nap! My mood is good and I only freaked out 3 times on the way from the airport to the hotel. Keep in mind I had no additional anxiety meds, only what I took in the am with my other daily meds.

There are a lot of Japanese people here, which makes me feel comfortable. We went to a little breakfast place called Aloha Hawaii for dinner around 4 yesterday. It was a quaint little place with very friendly Japanese folks who ran it. I’m not sure where we are going today for food.

It is only 8am right now. I’ve been up since 5. I get to wander around by myself this morning, my husband is supposed to text me at 11 to let me know if I have to fend for myself for lunch or not. We are on the 8th floor. And they only have valet parking. so every time my husband has to go to work or come back he has to tip the valet. Plus you have to pay a daily resort fee while you are here. Hawaii is not affordable traveling! But I’m doing my best to enjoy it while I am here.

Today is day 2 with no cigarettes. I put a patch on this morning after my shower, because I REALLY want a cig. I hope it helps.

Here are a few pictures so far.

We call him Bacon Man

View 1 from our room. Very windy yesterday and today.

View 2 from our room. I thought the mountains looked pretty.

View 3 from our room. A mural of whales on a high-rise.

Honolulu at 5am.