Deep

Yesterday was couples therapy. Hubby and I have different brains. I’m a deep thinker and desire deep conversation in order to feel satisfied. Hubby, on the other hand, prefers light-hearted conversation, deep conversation is not his cup of tea.

I also need to forgive myself for all of my past indiscretions caused by mania. I’ve punished myself for 16 years. I don’t know how to even begin to forgive myself. Julia said it will be a process and to repeat mantras such as “My past behaviors do not define who I am now” or “I deserve to forgive myself because B has forgiven me”. Sounds easy enough, right? But I’m afraid to let all of that go. I think I am truly afraid to have positive thoughts about myself.

Today I have regular therapy. I plan on talking about some of the stuff we talked about in session yesterday. Also, I need to let him know that incorporating relaxation techniques and self-care in my day to day life now is also going to be a process. I just simply don’t have the time. Here is my schedule Monday – Friday:

530 am wake up

710 leave for work

12pm get home

Eat a bite and then leave for appointments

3-4 pm come home

430 cook dinner

600 connection time with husband

630/700 call my parents

730/800 bed

 

I have no time to fit anything in, so I am going to have to slip things in here and there when I can. Like right now, my appointment is at 2 I have to leave at 135 so I have half an hour to drink a cup of coffee and type this out real quick.

I should be starting the Ingrezza tomorrow or Thursday. I just talked to the pharmacy that is sending it. I had to tell them my allergies and all the meds I am on. Good news, first month is free.

There is a possibility we may be moving to Columbus. It won’t be for awhile. As in a year or so if not longer. But, husband has started looking in Columbus for software jobs because there just isn’t anything in Dayton. He said IF he gets a job, he will live in an apartment up there and he will come home on the weekends like when he worked in Kentucky. I’m not looking forward to that. Then I get to take care of getting everything done to the house that needs to be done to make is sellable. It is in the far future, but I’m already having anxiety over it. Having to change all my doctors and therapists. My kids doctors and therapists. Will I work or go back to being stay at home parent. How am I going to get my car to Columbus? Totally nothing I need to worry about right now, but anxiety is making sure I’m thinking about it all.

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Hey! More Meds!

Went to the psych nurse today. She put me on Ingrezza. She didn’t want to, but I told her the TD was getting worse. This is a big hairy process. They can’t just send an Rx to the pharmacy and call it good. They have to fill a form out and send it to the drug company along with the perscrition. The drug company will then fill the rx and send it back to the clinic, which will call me to pick it up, and I will pay them for my medication.

Stupid, huh?

I thought so. That doesn’t even include the shit she is going to have to go through to get insurance to approve this because it is “medically necessary”.

Needless to say, I won’t be starting it for a week or two. IF their are no snags.

It is going to be pricey. Retail, a 28-day supply costs over 6 thousand dollars.

But it is not possible for me to try another med in place of the Latuda. Latuda just works too well for me.

Home

Had a lovely weekend with my husband. We took a trip to Columbus, which is only about an hour away from us. The boys stayed home by themselves and my daughter stayed with my BFF. It was a very relaxing weekend and my husband spoiled me all weekend.

We had some nice fancy dinners. We went shopping. We went to a vinyl album shop, and I got 3 albums and hubby got one. Then he took me to the hockey stadium, and we did some shopping there. I got a Blue Jackets hoodie, a nice thin one that I can wear to work and not sweat. LOL And I got the coffee cup that I fell in love with when they showed them on TV during one of the games, that they didn’t have on the NHL store online.

We were downtown. So sadly, not much was open. We were in the court district. Everything shut down at 3 on Friday. But it made walking around the city better because there was not much foot traffic at all.

My husband also took a state route to get there and back, instead of taking the interstate. Much better for my anxiety, and we got to drive through a bunch of little towns that we had not heard of before.

One negative about Columbus… Their food is SALTY! Everything I bought to eat was super salty. Our first night there I got a bowl of French Onion Soup for dinner… ick, it was like it was made with seawater. It was horrible. I ate as much as I could. Which wasn’t much. The next night we went to a fancy place that required reservations! We didn’t know they took reservations, but they were kind enough to allow us to have dinner there anyway. I got a NY Strip Stead with some scalloped potatoes. So. Salty! Not the steak, but the potatoes. I also had a peach martini that was so strong I couldn’t finish it. It was never-ending. No matter how much I drank, it didn’t seem to go down. I drank about half of it and had to leave the rest. I felt bad, but hubby said it was ok.

Came home and realized how horrible my house is right now. It is super messy. I need to work on it this week a little bit at a time. The last two weeks were just so horrible I took no time (I really didn’t have any time) to take care of the house.  It is stifling.

Gotta get ready for work now.

Have a good day guys!

overwhelmed and out of steam

I dealt with unstoppable inconsolable crying today at work, for my whole shift. My relief came in late, as seems to be the normal now, which caused me to hit afternoon school traffic. No time for lunch, because I gotta go pick my daughter up for therapy in about 10 minutes. Then we have a Rainbow meeting to go to tonight. As much as I want and NEED to, I can’t skip it, because there is some special thing where she presents me a rose… My husband has expressed how important this is. I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY!

Let’s not forget, I need to fit in an act of self-care for today, pack for tomorrow, and get a shower in there too, while trying to get to bed at a decent hour.

FUCK.

Ups and downs

My up… We have a new little toddler in our classroom. His name is Ely, and he has a crush on me. LOL He is 18 months or so. He threw a proper fit today if any one of the other kids sat in my lap. He has been my shadow since yesterday.

My down… I had therapy today. *sigh* It wasn’t terrible, but I got scolded for not doing any self-care the past week. I’ve just been going and going and then I crash at bedtime. I am headed for burnout. But last week was super busy, and this week is super busy. In all of that busy time, I have to find some time to take care of me. It is going to be difficult. I also got some homework. I have to take a self-care assessment to see where I stand, I have to work on my coping mechanisms at least once a day, I also have to practice some relaxation techniques that he gave me which involve deep breathing, Imagery, and Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

I have no idea how I am going to fit all of this in my already packed schedule. Tomorrow is the only day I have nothing going on.

Friday we leave for our getaway. I’m looking forward to it, as I really need it.

It’s been a minute…

I don’t know when the last time I posted was, but everything is ok. I’ve been ok moodwise. TD is still at it’s normal rate. I feel like it has improved (because I don’t notice it as it is involuntary) but hubby notices. I have an appointment with my Psych nurse this month, so I am going to ask about trying one of the TD meds, as the vitamin E is not working as well as I had hoped.

My daughter joined Rainbow Girls. It is a youth group associated with the Freemasons. Her initiation she needed a formal gown and dress shoes that were not black. To the ladies out there, where on God’s green earth do you find dress shoes that are NOT black in the fall? We settled on red suede mini boots, that was the only thing at the store they had in her size that was not black and would match her red formal gown. Now, she has a meeting Thursday. She needs to dress in a semi-formal. NOT BLACK. Challenging, but can probably be done. And… Dress shoes that are NOT BLACK. Hubby is taking her shopping tomorrow. This is his mess, he is going to deal with it. I have a problem with shelling out money for formal and semi-formal gowns and trying to find damn shoes that are not black, but match a dress that is not black. P.S. Shopping with my daughter is quite the experience because she quite literally hates shopping.

That is really the only thing bugging me this week. This coming week is going to be busy and exhausting. Therapy three days in a row. But this coming week is payday AND we go on our weekend getaway. Which, I am looking forward to.

This weekend is my weekend to do laundry, so I have been working on that. I cleaned our bedroom and my daughter stopped by for a visit.