I was going to post just the free ones, but it got quite exhaustive. So, check out this article of 81 Awesome Mental Health Resources When You Can’t Afford Therapy
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Today so far
Well, I got my walk in. And then I had to reign it in because I felt my energy getting a little out of control. After I got home from my wallk, I lifted weights and did a load of laundry. Wanted to keep on going, but I felt it was too dangerous seeing how I’ve been unstable as it is. Too easy for it to switch in a second.
The walk aggravated the arthritis in my back. So I have had nagging pain all day so far.
It is noon-thirty and still no call from anyone at the clinic. I’m guessing they will probably call at the end of day.
I told my son he could have a friend over today, but only until 5. That means Bella will be in her cage barking the whole time. She doesn’t like new people and she can be very intimidating. It’s been raining off and on today so maybe the kid won’t come over after all. I’m just going to roll with it.
I haven’t forgotten that I promised I would post those mental health resources. Last night I was just too tired. I will do it tonight while the hockey game is on.
Therapy update
I went in the office and told my therapist I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t feel like talking about my feelings today. Of course, he is a therapist so he pries. Bottom line, I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of having no interest. I’m starting to eat everything in sight and my sleep has even started to be messed up (waking up all the time now throughout the night). Obviously the meds are not working. He agreed. Told me after my appointment with him to go see the nurse. Sure no problem. Then I fucking lost it. I just started crying. It came out of no where. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. That prompted him to email several people (the nurse, my psych nurse, the front desk, and his supervisor) letting them know I needed to see someone TODAY. I ended up seeing the nurse. She will talk to my psych nurse and someone will call me tomorrow and let me know what the plan of action is.
I was advised by my therapist to call my mom tonight, as she is my main support. I called, but she was at my nephews football game. I am also supposed to watch funny videos on youtube, because all the blogs I follow and all the support groups I am in is just too deep and heavy. Funny videos will give me a chance to laugh and not be consumed with serious stuff. And I am to FORCE myself to talk a walk tomorrow. He told me I’m not going to like it, and it might even wear me out, but I needed to do it. So… I gotta do what I gotta do.
That is how therapy went today.
Therapy Day
I have therapy and I don’t want to go. I’ve got a few hours, I wish I could just call in sick today. LOL
I did come across a good list of FREE resources for people with mental illness, and I plan on sharing all those with you later tonight after dinner.
Weekend
Well, my weekend has been going alright. I’ve felt a smidge better, but I’ve had people around me all weekend. I hope this feeling is still here when everyone is gone next week.
I ordered some paint by number kits and some needlepoint kits online this morning. We went to the craft store after our date night last night, but they didn’t have anything I was looking for. 😦 So I have to wait 6-10 business days before my items arrive. I have to find something to keep myself busy with until then. *sigh*
We went to a steak house last night for dinner. It was nice for us to go out and splurge a little on ourselves. I had a steak and chicken plate with asparagus and a strawberry margarita! My husband had a steak and shrimp plate with rice and asparagus. We didn’t have room for dessert. But dinner was delicious!
Sunday school starts in today, so I had to get up early. I got up before my alarm went off. 😦 After my daughter is finished with sunday school we have to run to the grocery store and grab a couple of items that I forgot when I went shopping on Friday.
My husband knitted me another beautiful scarf. It is grey and purple ombre colored and super soft. I can’t post pictures of it because you can’t really see the colors in the picture, but it is gorgeous. And now he is working on knitting a blanket for me. 🙂 It is teal. I wish I could knit, I’m so proud of him too because he learned all by himself, just by reading a book. I can’t learn that way, I have to see how it is done. I just hope winter will be cold enough this year that I need a scarf. I didn’t need one last year. 
Fleshing Things Out
I’ve been thinking… a lot. (This is what happens when I am left alone to my own devices)
I know I’m jumping the gun, but I have no idea what I am going to do if I have to change antidepressants. Pdoc told me there were few options since I’m taking Savella for my fibromyalgia. Savella is an antidepressant. It is an SNRI. While I am on a low dose, it helps me tremendously with my pain. Taking this keeps the pain at bay. Yes, I still have breakthrough pain that I take muscle relaxers for, but I have limited options on what I can take for my fibro, because there is not much out there. And I prefer to live my life without feeling like I have been run over by a mac truck or like I have a very bad case of the flu.
So, I am pretty adamant that I don’t want to go off the Savella.
(note: the problem with taking two antidepressants is that you can get serotonin syndrome)
But I have that little voice inside my head asking me if my mental health is worth being at risk, just so I’m not in pain. Then the mind thinks about it for a minute, and recalls how the pain triggers depression, and then it decides that nope, I need good mental health.
So that leaves me wondering what in the hell I can do about my depression. As I stated in my earlier blog, things are not right. I am way off. And while I am not having suicidal thoughts (thank God!) I do from time to time think being gone would just be easier. To me that is a red flag, because people shouldn’t think that way.
My husband brought up a valid point the other night when he told me I need to get out and do stuff during the day. The problem is, he forgets I have fibromyalgia. Getting out and interacting with people would probably bring me out of this funk. Or at least should be tested out. I can go out and walk, but I can only do so much. I know my limits, and I know not to push my limits because then I am physically useless. Bowling for the first time in years left me bedridden for three days, just to give you an example. Places I can walk to: The gas station, the church, the dollar store. You can only walk to those places so much. And you need money to make purchases. See my dilemma?
I feel very stuck. I am very worried about my mental health at the moment. Trying to prepare myself for what is to possibly come is a coping mechanism of mine. Perhaps not a very useful one.
I’m sorry for griping, but I really needed to get this out. I just really don’t know what to do.
copious amounts of coffee
I think I need a med change. I’m just calling it like I see it. I’m still trying to change my way of thinking but the fact remains, I have no motivation, I don’t want to do anything, I have no inspiration, thoughts, or ideas. I keep telling myself, maybe the increase of wellbutrin hasn’t taken hold yet. I see my nurse October 5. I’ve got a ways to go. Things are either going to get better, stay the same, or get worse. I’m just taking it as it comes, accepting things for what they are, and keep doing my self-care. In the meantime, I will be drinking copious amounts of coffee to make me feel some sort of energy, no matter how minute that may be.
