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positive vibes

If you guys can spare some positive vibes or prayers for my dad, I would really appreciate it. He is not doing so well the past couple of days. He has lost his mind again. He asked my mom last night while they were in bed how can they tell if they are in North Korea or South Korea. My mom had to explain that they were not in Korea, they were at home. In the United States. When he closes his eye, he reverts back to when he was in the service and he is always on a ship. He had two flashlights last night, searching the house for his watch. My mom is afraid that it might be the Mucinex she gave him yesterday. But she only gave him one. I told her to run all his meds including the mucinex in a med interaction checker just to make sure. But I don’t think that was it. It seems like anytime his body is in some kind of trauma he flips a switch and goes out of his mind. He was also hallucinating last night, grabbing for things that were not there.

He does have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Every test he has taken (labs and brain scans) have all come back normal. But something is not right. He mentioned to my mom today that he needed to get with his one doctor because he felt like he did when he was on morphine. And this is exactly how he acted on the morphine. So… maybe it wasn’t the morphine.

This, of course, worries my mother. She can’t leave him home alone because she doesn’t know what he is capable of doing. When he was in the nursing home after his surgery, he would be caught running around nekkid all the time. So, she doesn’t want to take a chance of him flashing the neighbors. They were supposed to go to my nephew’s last basketball game tonight, but my mom didn’t feel safe taking him out (especially since he is sick) and she didn’t feel safe leaving him home alone.

I am scared and worried for both of my parents. And I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do. I do offer my mom support and suggestions and that is about all I can do.

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the reality of it all

keep shouting, no one can hear you. keep pointing your fingers, no one can see.

This is all that is being done, blaming and finger pointing. This is NOT finding a solution to the problem at hand. And people are even bringing race into the mix when it doesn’t even need to be. all this does is divide. and division is NOT what we need right now.

people are mad, and rightly so. and perhaps everyone will get to a point where they cool off and are ready to have an open dialog about how we might come to a solution to the problem. maybe there will come a time when people will listen to what other people have to say, and not protest if they disagree.

i’ve stopped commenting on things. i’ve had my ass jumped too many times because I didn’t believe the way someone else did. my thoughts are wrong. my opinions are wrong. no, they are not. they are how i feel about the current state of affairs.

ever since Trump has come into office, people have been more divided than ever before. People didn’t even argue over Obama as much as they argue now. the US is nothing but a huge ball of negative energy. it disgusts me.

if an answer ever appears, people will fight about it. people won’t accept it because it is not how they see things. so in reality, a solution will never be made.

just how i am feeling right now.

bipolar, Mental Health

Up an At ’em

I’ve been up since 7. I’ve had a few cups of coffee and have started laundry. Sounds productive, no? In my head, I want to go shopping! I’m planning on how I am going to slip away while my husband and daughter are gone. Make a trip to the thrift store and see if there is anything worth purchasing there. Hit up the Dollar Store or maybe even go to the grocery to pick up the items I forgot yesterday; mainly animal food and a couple grocery items.

Problem is… money is tight this pay check. I spent a lot on groceries. I paid several of my bi-weekly bills (lunch account for my son, his cellphone, my student loan bill) and then I paid my pharmacy bill. My husband had to buy a new phone, as his is finally breaking down after owning it for over 5 years. Then he paid the cable bill and our cellphone bill. He is taking our daughter to the movies today, and Tuesday our mortgage comes out of our account. That is going to leave us with basically nothing. But I don’t care. I want to go shopping.

I’m hoping my car won’t start. Or if it does, that I am overcome with guilt while I am out shopping and won’t buy anything. The blip is on my radar. So hopefully I don’t get much higher. I’d hate to get into a mania then crash right before our trip.

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escaping reality

I’m just trying to escape reality tonight. FB is full of all the current news about the shooting and everyone is heated. No one has an answer on how to fix the problem, everyone just wants to point fingers. A friend asked a question “What keeps you from killing people?” It was a serious question. And I seriously answered Medication and Therapy. People thought it was funny, but I was being dead (no pun intended) serious. Without meds and therapy, I’d be in trouble. Anyway… I just had to get away from it all. It was weighing me down. I even thought about going off of FB for a while. I may keep a low profile and not check in as much. I think that would be best for right now. For my mental health.

I was going to do my call tonight, but that is just too heavy right now. Besides, everyone is in the living room, so I wouldn’t be able to focus on it properly. Husband and daughter are going to the movies tomorrow, so I decided I’m going to do it while they are gone. So right now I’m just listening to music. I might do a little coloring or needlepoint.

Hawaii can’t get here soon enough! I really need an escape.

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Vrooom Vrooom

It’s Friday, that means I’m revving my engine to get this weekend started.

Sounds exciting doesn’t it? I mean, it sounds like I am excited. But I am not. LOL

I went to the grocery this morning. Did a few things around the house and washed some bedding. Going out in 30 minutes for date night. We are going to Frisches because it is Lent and we have to eat fish today if we want meat, and they have a seafood bar for the season, so we are going to check it out. I will be having a grilled cheese and french fries. Maybe a shake. Soup and salad bar if it is availible. Not sure if it is since they have a seafood bard for the season.

I’ve had a headache all day that I can’t get rid of. I’ve taken copious amounts of ibuprofen to no avail. I think part of it is because I’ve had nothing to eat today (fast on Friday’s during lent, only allowed to eat one meal technically). I want to work on my mock call tonight. That is the last thing I have to do in this week’s module and it is supposed to take around 45 minutes. I have to have it done by Sunday so…. I might as well get it done tonight since I have no plans.

Today’s mood is better. No so somber today. A bit more pep to my step.

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reflection

Valentines has never been a serious holiday in our house. The family gets a package in the mail from my husband’s parents. That is the highlight everyone looks forward to. Some years I get a card from my husband. Some years jewelry. Some years nothing. This year I got a box of chocolates. But I wanted to take some time this valentines day to reflect on what I have.

I know I talk shit about my husband quite often. But I really am lucky to have him in my life. He has really upheld his vows to me. He has stuck it out with me through thick and thin and put up with my bipolar induced separations. He really does love me with his heart. He doesn’t always know how to show it. And today I just want to reflect on all of that.

This is my third marriage. This is his first. And his first relationship. I think he is doing pretty good! I’ve done a lot of bad things in our marriage. Usually when I was not in my right mind prior to my diagnosis and when I first got diagnosed and was not on a good med regimen. I’m not using the bipolar as an excuse, but rather an explanation. The fact of the matter is just that. I did bad shit when I was not in my right mind. He has forgiven me. Forgiveness is such a blessing. It is hard to forgive. But yet, he has. That to me is a huge sign of his love for me.

I’m not trying to make this a mushy post. I just wanted to count my blessings. It’s not always an easy road to travel, but I’m glad I’m traveling it with him. Even if he gets on my nerves sometimes.