Meh

Last night my daughter spent the night with my best friend. She is still gone, won’t be home til 5. But as soon as she left my heart had a hole in it. I was trying NOT to get depressed, and I held it together ok. I went to bed early because nothing was holding my attention. I also managed to do NOTHING. Didn’t even do dishes before bed.

I got up at 8:30 this morning and I managed to get the dishes done after I had coffee and took my meds this morning. I don’t feel like doing anything. I should open the curtains and let some sunlight in, but for some reason I would rather revel in self pity that get some vitamin d.

But you know what? It is all ok. I know this will go away as soon as my daughter gets home. And I am feeling a little bit better since my husband is working from home today. Little does he know that this simple act is really preventing me from slipping into a depression, even though he is just doing it for himself.

I’m also getting a little lax on my daily affirmations. I NEED to keep up with these in order to bring positivity into my life.

My affirmation for yesterday is “I’m a good mom”

I see Cody next week. While I am looking forward to it, I am also dreading it (already?!?!?). I don’t know if I can deal with my feelings for a while hour. Hopefully that will change next week.

spewage

have words just come out of your mouth and then you wonder what the hell you just said or why you just said what you did because what you said wasn’t true but just flew right out of your mouth?

Maybe it’s just me?

I have a hard time with this. especially when people are probing me with questions. It’s like my mouth just spews words, my mind finally catches up and realizes what I just said, but I have no idea WHY I said what I said because either it is not true, didn’t make sense or was not relevant.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a liar. At least not intentionally. And I don’t even know if I am lying when I do this or if it is just my subconscious bubbling to the top and sewing out.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm……..

Today’s Wisdom

Having a mental illness is hard. It is especially more so when you are a woman. That is not to say we have it worse than men; this isn’t a pissing contest post. There is just more to untangle.

It is hard enough to track your moods and be vigilant of the next episode happening. Trying to discern why you are feeling the way you are; was there a trigger or is this just the illness? But throw in raging hormones to the web. Yeah. Fun times.

“Am I moody because I’m on my period? Or am I getting ready to have an episode that has been triggered by something? Or… is it happening just because it is my lucky day?”

Hormones are tricky things. There is no good accurate way to test hormones, because they fluctuate ALL. THE. TIME. Just like there is no way to test for so many things in this world. It is just one of those things that you have to learn to deal with or find a super-good-out-of-this-world doctor that knows their shit better than anyone. Those are true gems and usually very expensive and hard to get into see.

The ultimate goal when having a mental illness is to stay on top of it. Being able to predict what you are going to feel before you feel it so you are prepared. Knowing your triggers and keeping your eye open for new ones. It is a never ending process of keeping on eye open. It is exhausting to say the least.

Do your best. That is all we can ask of ourselves.

Friday Funday

It’s true, it is Friday, but I wouldn’t call it a FUN day. I was super busy today.

Got up at 6:30 had coffee, watched news, and washed my hair. Left the house at 8 to get my license and registration renewed (yay I can drive again!). High tailed it to get my hair cut, but they were not open yet so I had to go to the grocery. Got out of grocery and it was POURING down rain. Loaded up truck with groceries in the rain and got soaked to the bone. Came home, brought groceries in (still raining – and groceries were wet and bags filled with water – Thank you hurricane Cindy!) Changed clothes, had a doughnut and a glass of milk, and then left to the library to pick up my book that I ordered. Totally forgot to get gas for my truck while I was at the grocery.

Calmed down. Read a chapter of my book and found my center.

Hubby came home. Went out to dinner to our usual place. Our server was new. Brought out my appetizer AFTER he brought my main course— without a spoon (I ordered the soup of the day) had to wait for a spoon and my soup got cold. I was annoyed, but thought better of it I couldn’t do his job and he is new, so I cut him a break and didn’t go all “angry customer” on him.

After dinner we went to home depot to grab some cactus soil and terra cotta pots for hubby’s cactus plants he has in his office. They needed to be replanted. Then came home and put on my pyjamas.

AND…. I did the other part of my homework tonight. I used an “I Am” statement. In a positive form. I haven’t really been upset about anything this week.

Mood wise I’ve been good. I think having so much to do today kind of helped. And the weather was crappy too, which helped. I love rainy weather!

Tomorrow I am going to try to get my hair cut and get gas in my truck. Hubby has to take the oldest son out to get some work boots and he is also going to look for a patch kit for the pool.

Today’s affirmation: I am functional.

conundrum

I’m torn. I’m not sure if I should ask to be changed from Latuda to something else. The problem is, it has helped me sooooooooooooooooo much! BUT…. I’m having a side effect of rigidity in my jaw. At first we thought it was anxiety, but now I’m sure it is not. It lasts about an hour or so. I’m not sure if this is one of those things that I can just get used to or if there is a chance for it to get worse or turn into something more serious. Also, I’m not sure what I would be put on, and if it would work. And I totally don’t want to revisit the constant depression.

conundrum for sure.

This and That

It really sucks having a depressive episode on your birthday. Yesterday was less than desirable for a birthday. I don’t know what triggered it, or if there was a trigger at all. I don’t know if it was because I turned a year older, or because we didn’t have the money to go celebrate, or because no one in my house remembered it was my birthday (I don’t hold resentment with the kids, but my husband didn’t bother to tell me happy birthday until he got up from his nap at 5pm. p.s. he came home at 2 yesterday because he didn’t “feel well”. He didn’t feel well because he had a hangover.)  Or maybe it was a combination of everything. Never the less, my evening ended on an up note. My dad called me at 9:30 last night and that was just what I needed to lift my spirits. I’m glad he called.

But enough about that.

I don’t remember if I told you all about a program my therapist suggested to me. It is 8-12 months long and it is in a group setting, and it teaches you how to be more positive, coping skills, and conflict resolution. It is called the Wellness Group or the Wisdom Group, I don’t remember. Anyhow, I’ve been giving it some thought, and I think it would be good for me to join. I’ll need to find out specifics like when it starts, if it costs anything, etc… But if it is free, I’m all in. If it costs money, I’m going to have to give it some more thought. I think it would be good for me to get out of the house and have regular plans, learning new skills, and getting to know other people like me. So, I’m really excited about talking to Cody about this.

The clinic called yesterday and set up my next therapy appointment. I go back July 3 at 10 a.m. This will be a full session. So I need to make notes between now and then on what I would like to discuss. He starts his sessions with “What would you like to talk about?” I’m not used to that… I’m used to a therapist guiding the session, so this is kind of new for me.

 

Today my mood is definitely better. I’m going to try and get some jump-roping in today and work some more on the back yard to get it ready to set the pool up.

And of course yesterday I don’t remember doing a positive affirmation so, today’s affirmation is “I am good enough”.

I think I am going to write these down, so when I am feeling crappy I can open a journal and read through them and hopefully lift my spirits.

A book or two

Before we left for vacation, my daughter and I went to the library to check out a couple books for the car ride. I read a really good book about bipolar called “Welcome to the Jungle: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Bipolar But Were Too Freaked Out To Ask: by Hilary Smith. The second one was “Hello Cruel World: by Kate Bornstein

Welcome to the Jungle was excellent! It is written for those who are newly diagnosed, but it was a great refresher for us that have been diagnosed for a long time. She uses humor, but appropriately and it meshes well with the subject matter. I would recommend this book if you like to read about bipolar, new to this world, or looking for a book to share with your support system so they have a better understanding.

Hello Cruel World, I really didn’t like. I only got to page 38 and decided this book was not for me.  The book cover has “101 Alternatives for Suicide” printed on it, and that is what I was expecting, and why I checked it out. If this WAS the point of the book, the author certainly didn’t get there by page 38. The author felt it much more important to discuss sexuality and her journey through being a transgender. Which is fine, but it is not what I was expecting at all. Which really was disappointing to me.

The next book I want to read is “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. I am currently watching the series, and would really like to read the book. Of course, none are available at my branch, so I am on a waiting list.