I’m feeling wonky. I’ve been feeling it off an on. It’s in my soul. Not depressed but not satisfied with anything. Not anxious either.

I dislike being “special”.


life, man… It will knock you down.

Asyou know, I was in and out of the hospital this past summer. Got treated for cancer. That leaves you with a hefty bill. I had *just* fixed my credit report and was doing things to increase my score. Making sure I paid all bills on time, as not to ding my report.

I paid on my hospital bill monthly. $150.00 That is all we can afford living in a one income household raising kids and a mental health patient. The hospital put my bill in collections because I wasn’t paying them enough. They wanted $300 a month. They were not even willing to put me on a payment plan. They told me I could apply for a medical loan. Sorry, I’m not in the market for getting a loan.

I got a bill from the collection company this week. This morning the collection company called me, asking me how I was going to pay this three-thousand dollar bill.

Me: “I just got the bill Monday and I’m not in a position about talking about payments right now, it is going to have to wait until Friday.”

Them: “I’ll call you Friday then. What time would work for you?”


I plan on making payments via their online system. I don’t want them taking money out of my account. My account gets compromised too many times.

Friday morning I will make a payment online. If the dude calls me back after I make a payment, I’m not answering the fucking phone.

I didn’t ask for cancer.

I didn’t ask for this bill.

I WAS paying it monthly.

Hospitals are fucking greedy.

Meanwhile, my husband who was in the hospital for three days for his blood pressure, BEFORE I WENT IN THE HOSPITAL, is not in collections yet. Different hospital, same hospital system. He. hasn’t. paid. a. dime.

Anyone see a problem with this?

I don’t have a problem with paying the bill. I just think it is ridiculous that they give a cancer patient a very short amount of time to pay their debt. How does that even make sense? It doesn’t.

I’m not salty, I’m just irritated. It is not going to ruin my day, but I *did* need to rant about it.

Thanks for reading.

The time is near

My gyno office just called me today to remind me it is time for my boob work up (Ultrasound and mammogram). They made an appointment with the breast center for Feb 11. I *just* got finished with the ovarian cancer bullshit, so let’s hope this mass in my breast has either disappeared or at least gotten smaller.

Next Friday I have an appointment with my gp. I need to go over with her about the enlarged lymph node they found in my body scan before surgery and see if this is something I need to worry about. I also need to talk to her about getting a colonoscopy scheduled.

My anxiety is slowly cranking up the coaster.

Everything is going to be alright. I am going to be ok. I just need to calm my tits. No pun intended. LOL

Vigil Volunteer

I’m trying to make a decision. It’s just something I stumbled upon today. The local Hospice care center is part of the No One Dies Alone program. I’m thinking about volunteering as a “Vigil Volunteer”. Basically what you do is, you are with someone who is actively dying but they have no one to be around them. The idea is that they are not dying alone.

I would love to give this gift to someone. But I don’t know if I am mentally able to do it. I am so sensitive and am a cryer. I just don’t know if it would fuel my depression.

I could volunteer 2 or 3 times a week. It would get me out of the house, around people, and I would be doing a good deed.

I’m thinking…

nightly rituals

I can’t remember if I have discussed this or not. So, if I have, just disregard.

I’m trying to do things differently in 2019. I want to feel better.

I’m back to making my bed every day. It’s just so nice getting into a well-made bed.

I’m flossing my teeth. I didn’t use to but on the rare occasion. This is a nightly thing now.

I read a chapter of a book after I take my night time meds.

And, last, but not least… I turn on my room vaporizer with my essential oils in it. It just feels good falling asleep in a nice smelling room.

Bed time is 9pm every night, if not earlier. I also get my coffee set up for the morning before bed.


These are just little things. But these little things are making me feel better about myself.