I was Nominated for “The Sunshine Blogger Award”

 

Yesterday, I was nominated for The Sunshine Blogger Award! It was quite refreshing because my posts lately have been rather gloomy. It was nice to see someone appreciates my blog. My Loud Bipolar Whispers nominated me. You should go check out her blog and add her to your daily reader. She is a regular that I read. 🙂  Thank you for nominating me. 🙂

 

Rules for “The Sunshine Blogger Award”

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and link to them.
  2. Answer the eleven questions asked.
  3. Nominate 11 other bloggers.
  4. Create 11 new and different questions for them to answer.
  5. List the rules.
  6. Include the “Sunshine Blogger Award” logo in your post somewhere.

That is it… easy peasy…

Here are the eleven questions that were asked of me:

  1. How old are you? 45
  2. How old were you when you were diagnosed with mental illness or other type of chronic and/or invisible illness or grief? I was initially diagnosed at 15 with severe clinical depression. At 23 I was diagnosed with PTSD. At 32 I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. I also have Fibromyalgia and Hypothyroidism.
  3. Where do you live? (City, State, Country) I live in Fairborn, Ohio, USA. It is about 15 minutes away from Dayton.
  4. What makes you happy? When things go smoothly.
  5. What makes you angry? It depends. So many things set me off, but I think at the top of my list is when people are not punctual. This includes doctors.
  6. When was the last time you experienced mental illness stigma or any other type of stigma or discrimination? The last time I faced stigma was when I was in court fighting for custody of my daughter. The other party involved was trying to state that I was not a fit parent because I have PTSD. The theory behind that was I had a short fuse and was scared all the time, how could I care for a child.
  7. How were you stigmatized? I think I kind of explained it above.
  8. What is your favorite kind of candy? Anything with Carmel!!!!!
  9. What is your favorite season and why? Fall/Winter because I hate the heat of Spring and Summer
  10. How long have you been blogging? Off and on for about 20 years.
  11. Do you prefer a sunny or a cloudy/rainy day and why? Cloudy/Rainy day! It just makes me feel happy and calm. I love to go shopping in the rain!

My nominations:

  1. Amy Rose
  2. Therapy Bits
  3. I Am My Own Island
  4. The Bipolar Writer
  5. Bipolar Moms
  6. Taking The Mask Off
  7. Bipolar on Fire
  8. You Mean the DSM Was Written About Me?
  9. Step Over The Crap
  10. Cursed Cursive
  11. Bird Flight

My 11 Questions For Them

  1. Day or Night? Which do you prefer?
  2. Where do you spend most of your time?
  3. Lefty or Righty?
  4. Do you follow a special diet? If so what?
  5. Do you prefer to spend your time alone or with others?
  6. Favorite thing you like to do / hobby?
  7. Favorite Animal?
  8. #1 Pet Peeve?
  9. Do you suffer from Road Rage/Shopping Rage?
  10. Favorite Movie
  11. What kind of house do you live in?

 

 

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Positive Vibes/ Prayers/Good Mojo

Well, I picked out a car yesterday. I test drove 3. Thursday morning we have an appointment with the mechanic to give her the once-over. If she gets a clean bill of health, we will go forward with the financing. I am very nervous about this. Yesterday I had so much anxiety over picking and test driving the cars. It felt so overwhelming. And now I have anxiety over the mechanic report and the purchasing process. I have no idea what I am going to do if we can’t get financing. We will be putting close to half of the car’s price down in cash, so hopefully, the finance company will take that into consideration.

I have been exhausted over this process. All the ups and downs along with the anxiety. I will just be glad when it is over and I have my car.

So please, if you can spare any positive vibes/prayers/good mojo, I could use some my way.

Thanks.

Try Again (rant – you have been warned)

Didn’t get to go look at cars last night. My husband conveniently remembered that he has a Masonic meeting. I was very passive aggressive about the situation, and made my husband feel bad. Is it wrong if I say I’m glad he felt bad? I’m absolutely tired of taking a backseat to his Masonic activities. (He is a free mason, not a stone mason)  So he told me that he will come home at noon today and we would go look. I’m not holding my breath. And I am not going to be in a hurry to be ready for when he comes home. I will get ready when he comes home, because I just can’t trust his word anymore.

This has me questioning my marriage. Not just this incident alone, but the whole heap of issues. I think it is time to have a discussion, but I dare not do it until AFTER I get a car. Because after all, he doesn’t HAVE to do this for me. It is a want, not a need. I had made mention that I need to get to the eye doctor, and he turned around, looked at me and said “If I wanted as much as you do, we’d be broke…. Oh, wait!” meaning we don’t have money for all my “wants”. You know what my wants are? A car, my doctors appointments, my medication. You know what his wants are? A fucking PS4. Like when is he going to have time to play this? And if you buy the console you have to buy the games. Which are anywhere from 80 to 100 bucks. This is WHY he has not gotten a PS4.

My mom has always taught me growing up, that you need to take care of yourself. Go to the doctors when you need to, take medications as prescribed, take care of your teeth and health in general, even if it costs extra. Do you know one of the times I went off of my medications it was because I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for how much my meds coast on a monthly basis? My mom was pissed, and has told me, from now on, if I get in a position where I can not afford my meds, to call her and she will give me the money, no matter what the cost.

I’m going to have to write all this stuff down, in condensed form, to take to therapy. I’m afraid I am going to forget most of this stuff or leave something important out.

Sorry for venting again. One day I will have a happy and insightful post.

Another day, another dollar

Applied for another job today, and looked around at some more, only to find I don’t have a degree, so I don’t qualify. It used to be you didn’t need a degree, people still hired you. But now you need a degree for everything. Even if it isn’t in the field you are applying for! Just like my job as a sub aide for the school… you need a degree to take a kid from the classroom to the gymnasium. Or even to watch them on the playground or help them cross the street.

 

GET A DEGREE EVEN THOUGH YOU WILL BE IN DEBT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE !

Seriously, you youngens reading this (even you old fogeys!) get a degree you are going to need it to get anywhere in life. I would love to go back to school and get a degree, but I’m still paying off student loans, and I don’t want anymore. My husband has one more year left to get his degree, but won’t finish it because we don’t have the money, and he is still paying off student loans from 15 years ago! And a degree for him would mean more money and more contracts.

I digress… I didn’t mean to go on about getting a degree.

I am going to look at the shifts at the grocery store and see what they are. I was thinking about working the last shift (they are open until 2a.m.) I’m just afraid that working that late will screw up my sleep that I have FINALLY got under control.

I really want to find something from home. And I’ve even been pondering going back to reading tarot cards. But I don’t have any cards, I got rid of them when I started going back to church. And if someone from church were to find out I was reading tarot cards… my my my! I would be shunned.

I don’t relish the idea of going back to work. I really don’t. It’s too peoply out there. And people are mean, and rude, and feel entitled (in the customer service world). I will find something. When the time is right. I will find something.

I’m sure you guys are tired about hearing me moan about a job. I’m sorry. It is just a very pertinent thing in my life at the moment. Something I am really struggling with. I will say this though… I’ve gotten over being depressed about it. It is what it is and what is meant to happen will happen.

Supposed to go look at cars tonight. The lexus that I am interested in has an issue. The told my husband they would fix it if we wanted to buy it. I want to see how big it is and test drive it. There is also a really nice Saturn that I want to look at. I’m not a fan of Saturn’s, I don’t feel safe in them, they feel hollow to me, but my husband said it didn’t feel hollow. They also have a nice Honda accord, but the timing is messed up. Of course, they said they would fix that too if we wanted it. Problem is, I want a car now, now three weeks from now. Ya know? And I really have some anxiety about doing this tonight. I’ve been worked up about it all day. I have no idea why.

Wish me luck!

PTSD Questions

Does PTSD ever go away? Or does it go in remission and then pops back up when you are triggered? No on has ever told me. I’ve had one person tell me that it never goes away. I can’t help but wonder if my issue with conflict has something to do with my PTSD.

As I have touched upon before, I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1996. Very bad relationship and frequent trips to court. I feel like during that time in my life, I lost all of my fight. I used to be feisty and never afraid to stand my ground, no matter what it took. After doing a lot of thinking, I have lost that after being medicated and treated for my bipolar disorder. I do not like conflict and I am horrible in situations where there is conflict. I don’t want to feel all those feelings I felt in the late 90’s. Fighting for my daughter was exhausting and terrifying. I would rather let things alone than fight anymore. Because conflict terrifies me.

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of overthinking these past two days. And that kind of bothers me. I tend to get lost when I overthink because I manage to weave such a huge web. It ends up looking like a police investigation board. Pictures and red lines everywhere, connecting everything and overlapping others.

The only thing I did for my PTSD was therapy. And it wasn’t very long. A year at the longest. I was also suffering from depression during that time and on no medication.

Things that trigger my PTSD: Courtrooms, Lawyers, pagers (thank god THOSE are non popular anymore!), and talking to my ex (thank god I don’t have to talk to him anymore. I have him blocked on facebook so I can’t see his posts on my daughters page, I  have his mother blocked too, but the rest of his family are ok). And I think conflict needs to be added to that list.

I’m going to have a jam-packed session in two weeks when I see my therapist. He is going to be disappointed that I have not been using my ‘I Am’ statements.

But my main question is, whats the deal with PTSD? Can it be cured? Or does it just lie in remission until something triggers it. Does anyone know?

Falling down the rabbit hole

I feel like a horrible person. I was thinking bad thoughts about my husband. I was thinking that he was going to look for a new car for him since he didn’t have me go with him. Turns out he was just looking to see if they had anything else at the lot that wasn’t posted online that was in our budget. He is taking me Monday to go pick out what I want. Why do I get so mean? Why do I think such horrible thoughts? Why do I always jump to conclusions? Why? Why? Why? I honestly don’t understand it. Charlie was on the phone today telling me what a good person I am and what a beautiful soul and huge heart I have, and was even crying when she told me that she wished I could see in me what she sees in me. I just don’t. I know I’m a good person. I know I have a good heart. But why am I so antagonistic? How did I even get this way? Is it part of the bipolar? Or is it the real me? I’m so confused. I feel like I am not seeing my husband how other people see him. Everyone keeps telling me I deserve so much better. How my husband is a great friend, a great dad, but a horrible husband. I think I’ve just lived with it for so long that I’ve become blind to what others see. Or do I see what other people don’t?  Charlie isn’t the only one that sees things. My mother feels like I am being abused. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. She doesn’t like that I am stuck inside all the time while he gets to go out and do things. She has even asked me if I feel like he is preventing me from seeing my friends and family. But I don’t see things that way. Could it really be that everyone is wrong? Or am I really in a serious situation and I don’t even realize it? I don’t know. I am really confused.

Vent

I asked my husband today when we were going to actually go and look at cars. He said “I dont know” in an irritated manner, and then followed it up by “I would like to go do it today.”

I would lay money down, that this is NOT going to happen. Because right now, he is knitting. WTF?

I have a very serious problem with wanting instant gratification. I want to go NOW. We can’t do it tomorrow because it is going to be stormy all day. Today is the best day to do it.

Yesterday was date night. He had to go unlock a building, it should have taken him an hour; 30 minutes there, 30 minutes back. He told me he would be home at 6. 6:30 rolls around and he is not home. I was furious. I am a stickler for being on time. I sent him a text letting him know that I noticed he was late. He didn’t respond. 6:40 and he walks into the house. Alcohol in tow. It appears that he had to stop off to purchase his bottle of whiskey and bottle of vodka. He couldn’t be bothered to let me know he was running late.  I told him “Your late!” and he tried being funny and asked “Late for what?”. I said “What do you mean, ‘Late for what’ !” I was boiling on the inside. Then he tootled around the house for a bit, and then finally 7 rolls around and he is ready to go. Mind you, I had to go grocery shopping after dinner. Who in the hell wants to go grocery shopping at 8 at night?

Anyhow. Instead of exploding, I should have used my “I am ” statements. That is my homework from therapy. So, perhaps I will get to use one today, when we don’t get to go look at cars because he would rather be knitting or updating his computer or whatever else kind of excuse he uses to defend himself.

Sorry for the vent. But I needed to get it out.