Behind every mental illness diagnosis… (image)

behind every mental illness diagnosis, there is a warrior fighting incredible unseen battles.

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On Writing

I am pretty much too the point. No filler and direct. I’ve never been a story teller. I’ve never been one to carry on a long conversation. And I’ve always had problem meeting word count when ever I had one. When I go through it I throw in flowery words and descriptors to meet the count.

This puts me in a predicament. Because if I want to write a memoir I need to be free with my words.

I have two “books” in the works but I haven’t touched them in a couple years. One is a book on bipolar disorder for beginners. Kind of like what to expect once you get diagnosed. The other one is my personal story starting from when I had my first depressive episode at age 7.

I started them, and then the negative thoughts in my head ask me who wants to read this rubbish anyhow and I quit. I’d really like to finish them. Or at least one of them. But I don’t know where to go from here.

I don’t have much, because like I explained. I’m pretty too the point and not very elaborate.

So, what’s a girl to do?

Empty

Today is the first full day that my husband has been gone. I feel empty. It amazes me how a person can make you feel whole. But he does. Flaws and all. I’m holding up though. I’ve been somewhat productive today. Did some light cleaning. Took my daughter to the library. And that is about it. Everything is boring. Nothing is on tv. I don’t feel like reading. I don’t even feel like listening to music.

I am going to do laundry tomorrow. That is an all day thing since I hang my clothes outside to try in the summer. So that will keep me busy. But in the meantime, I’m still feeling empty.

Happy Friday

After much drama last night, I finally went to bed at 2:30 this morning. Woke up to say good bye to my husband at 4:30 this morning, and then woke up for good at 10:30. I have inserted an IV drip of coffee to get me through the day.

All the drama was about his flight. The flight he changed to after missing his original flight ($800 fee for that by the way!) was cancelled at 11:30 last night. Then they booked him on a flight leaving SUNDAY. He called to get a flight that left Friday, but there was a 2 hour hold time. So he left his name and number for a call back. he called again in about an hour after my pressing him to do so, and the waiting time was then 1 hour. So, he sat on hold for an hour to get this stuff taken care of. He successfully got a flight that left Friday, but that meant he would only get 2 hours of sleep and he was afraid of missing his alarm again, so he stayed up all night. DRAMA and I couldn’t let him go through it alone. I stayed up as long as I could. I forced myself to go to sleep at 2:30 because I knew if I powered through all night my mood would suffer.

So far so good. No depression. No anxiety. No disassociation. Just bored. LOL but I’ve got plenty of things that I can be doing and will do here in a bit.

I’m making a good dinner tonight; steak, roasted potatoes, and corn.

Curious to see how sleeping goes for me tonight since I will be in bed alone. And I hope my mood stays good.

New Symptom?

This has happened to me before, and happens from time to time. So I wouldn’t say it is abnormal for me to feel this way but I wouldn’t say it happens often.

You might be wondering what I’m talking about.

Depersonalization-derealization disorder

Now, I’m not diagnosing myself with this disorder. I’m not even saying that I have it. What I am saying is that I have symptoms of it and I’m trying to put a name on it so I can better understand what is happening to me.

Today I feel like I am outside of my body. Like everything is not real. Like I’m watching everything from afar, but not too far away. Kinda like right behind myself. Anyway. Don’t drive when you are feeling this way. It was scary.

I installed my radio in my car and drove up to get gas for my car. I felt floaty and unreal and not in the here and now but watching everything that is happening. It made driving difficult because I wasn’t paying very good attention. I’m just glad I am home now and I don’t plan on going out anymore.

I kinda feel like this is a defense mechanism for me… like the hallucinations. As we know, I’ve been a bit depressed with my husband leaving and I think this has triggered the episode. I think I like the hallucinations better. I will certainly be bringing this up to my psych nurse when I see her in July.

Like I said, this happens to me from time and time again. But THIS TIME I recognize it and I know why it happened. At least I think I do. Of course I’m not a doc so I dunno if this is all real. Just kind of what I am guessing.

Anyone else do this? I’m sure there are. How often does this happen to you? Is there anything you can do to bring yourself back to reality? I mean bring me back to my body? That just sounds so weird. Does any of this make sense?

super powers

my husband missed his flight this morning. And somewhere in my sick and twisted mind, I feel that it is my fault. I have no fucking idea why. But I think I’m finally getting over that, but now I have gone to “Maybe it was God’s doing. Maybe the flight is going to crash today” or “Maybe it is God’s will, and tomorrows flight will have issues of some kind.”

What in the actual fuck is wrong with me. Why do I think I have some kind of superpowers to cause this? Or am thinking there is a higher being that put this into play? Why can’t I just accept it for what it is: my husband missed his alarm by not setting it properly?

No. Things can’t be that simple. Things can’t be that cut and dry. They have to be all twisted, tangled, and sticky.

My husband is on tomorrows flight. It cost over 800 bucks to get him on that flight, on top of the couple grand that had already been spent for the tickets. Moral to the story? Don’t miss your flight!

In the meantime, I am going to try to unravel these really stupid thoughts and just try to accept it for what it is. No superpowers. No divine intervention. Just an accident.

Ain’t mental illness grand?

bleeding heart

My heart hurts. I’m feeling especially needy a of late. For three days I have asked for some alone time, in different ways, to my husband and I just keep getting blown off. He will say yes, and then nothing comes of it because he stays up late playing his computer games. So, not only do I feel needy, but i feel rejected and unimportant.

I know these feelings are because of the disease, but it doesn’t hurt any less and it doesn’t make it any better.

My anxiety thinks he doesn’t love my anymore. Or, he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Or, maybe he has something on the side. I remember a time when he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, and I would get annoyed and irritated. And now, I long for those times to happen again.

I want to say something. I want to tell him how I am feeling. BUT…. I know this is the bipolar. And he is leaving tomorrow. If things end on a bad note I don’t want this to be the way things are left for 3 weeks and no communication due to time zone differences.

I also don’t want him feeling upset for me feeling the way I do. Not a mad upset, but a concerned upset.

I don’t like having bipolar disorder. I don’t like feeling different ways on different days. I don’t like life events triggering moods. I don’t like feeling alone and weak. I don’t like not being able to fix things. Instead, I just have to find ways to deal with how I feel. And that gets old, over and over, and over again.

Right now I’m feeling wounded and vulnerable because I’m at the beginning stages of a depressive episode. I know this in my head. But my feelings have me feeling like this is the end of the world. And then another part of me says “buck up! you are going to be fine. quit being a baby”

This disease sucks.

 

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