Running on Empty

I am running on 1 hour sleep. Yes, you read that correctly, 1 hour. Last night I thought “Oh great, now that depression has gone, mania is gonna get on the bandwagon!” But apparently (and hopefully) it is allergies. I felt like I was going to sneeze all night and was blowing my nose all night. I managed to get to sleep around 5 this morning and had to get up at 6 because I had to take my husband to work, because I needed the car today. Sara had a Dr appointment for her ear. And while I was getting her ready for the doctor, I saw fucking lice in her hair. I have a horrible headache, my nose is dripping, I paid for a Dr appointment, prescription, and more lice shampoo (I got the GOOD stuff this time, no store brand!). I don’t know when my husband is going to text me to pick him up, I have nothing out for dinner, and don’t even know when I would be able to cook it So I transferred some money over, as painful as it was to do since I’m trying to save for a car, and I am just going to order pizza tonight. I have to wash my daughters hair and go through it with a fine tooth comb. Wash MY hair for good measure. Wash all of my daughter’s clothes, bedding, and stuffed animals. Boil our brushes. Did I mention I’m running on ONE HOUR OF SLEEP?!?!?!?!?

Surprisingly I’m not tired. And I’ve even had allergy medication. I just have this huge fucking headache. I don’t know if I am running on fumes, or if indeed I am on an upswing. Only time will tell.

Accepted!

I found out this morning that I qualified for the Bipolar/Depression DNA study! I should be getting my test kit this week, and the study will begin shortly after that. I am excited to be a part of something that could possibly shed some light on Bipolar and Depression. This will be a nine month study.

Working Through It

I’m sorry. I’m just so sad. So…blah. So not happy. I just want to be happy. Have a tinge of energy. Feel my worth. My house is a hot mess. I managed to get last night’s dishes in the dishwasher, and now the rest of the house is looking at me, in disarray, wanting attention that I just don’t have the energy to give it. If I push through, I’m just going to feel worse.

I stepped outside for a couple of minutes to get some sun, hoping that would help on some level, but nothing.

My mom called to see how therapy went, and she could tell I was depressed. She kept asking me if I was ok, because I didn’t sound ok, and it worries her. Just tell your mom once that you have had suicidal thoughts, and she thinks you have them all the time.

I’m making lasagna for dinner only because all I have to do is stick it in the oven. The brownies I made last night are all gone, so I need to make another batch. That might help for a moment.

I need something long term. I need “warm and fuzzy” not “dark and dreary”.

I don’t know. I know many of you have felt this way, and can relate. I guess that is all I am really looking for, someone that says “yeah, I get it”. I almost wish something physical was wrong with me so I would have a reason to feel this way. Laid up in a hospital bed having nurses coming in every 30 minutes for vitals and blood work. THAT is a reason to feel miserable. Feeling miserable for no physical reason at all is ridiculous. WHY? Why was I blessed with this curse? It is a very heavy burden to carry, if only just to be able to empathize with someone. I don’t have any answers. Only questions and pain.

Today’s Therapy Sesh

Ok therapy session. I’m just still mediocre at the moment so not super excited about anything. Still waiting for the new meds to kick in full force. Apparently feeling things super intensely is a depression thing. I thought it was a bipolar thing, but nope. I got some homework; exercising for 30 minutes a day at least 3 times a week, if not more. And, coloring one page with only three colors. And he suggested if I can’t get a car, perhaps I should look into getting a bike. I dunno how I feel about that, but I suppose it is a possibility. He was just trying to find a way for me to feel independent again. And he is going to be looking into getting me into the wellness program. He thinks it would be beneficial for me. But he has to talk to his supervisor first and see if they think I would be a good fit. I wouldn’t be going into it until next year because the program has already started up for this month, so hopefully I will have a car by then.

Hoping things pick up soon, things are starting to stack up because I haven’t been doing anything.

 

Morning Conversations

Me: “What do you have planned for today?”

Him: “I dunno.”

Me: “Wanna go look at cars today?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “That didn’t sound like you wanted to.”

Him:” I don’t. But if you want to, we will.”

Me: “Nevermind. If you don’t want to do it then we won’t.”

 

I’m never going to get a damn car. Now I’m in a pissy mood. Doesn’t he realize how much is riding on getting a car? I have a feeling I’m going to have to quit my job. This just makes me so mad. My son needs to find a new job, but he can’t because he has no way to get there. My husband wants him to go to school, but… he can’t because we don’t have a car for him to go. I guess he just feels important being needed on such a high level. I dunno. I might just spend all day in bed.

4:45 a.m.

I got up at 4:45 this morning. For no reason other than, that is when I woke up. It is going to be a long day. My husband has to go into work today to finish up some classified work for Monday. Not sure how long he is going to be gone. I decided I am going to do a load of laundry and clean my daughter’s room.

I didn’t get that transcription job. So, back to looking for a job I can do from home until I get a vehicle. My husband doesn’t seem very motivated. He is not even motivated enough to take the truck off of our insurance. I guess he likes wasting money. Oh, sorry about that. I see it is going to be one of those days. The days where my cat claws come out and I don’t realize it until words have already left my mouth.

Funny thing… I had to run to the store yesterday, and I was interacting with people, but I felt like I sounded so bitchy, even though I was not meaning to. Has that ever happened to you? You come across as being rude and that is totally not your intention?

Wish me luck on getting through today.

Just a day

Just a blog about what I did today. Not much of anything. Last night I messaged my PCP about an issue I am having getting my skellaxin (for my fibro) filled. Apparently the pharmacy never faxed anything over to the doctors office to let them know there was a problem. I’ve literally been waiting since July 25. This is why I am so glad I normally use express scripts. No problems. And i there is, they take care of it right away. So. I’m waiting on that.

I’m waiting on my psych meds to be filled, but I have already started my new dose of Wellbutrin since I have enough to do that.

I contacted Fidelity today about why I am getting papers from my insurance company saying they are not covering it because I’m not using it. BULL! I use that fucker every damn night! This isn’t the first time this has happened, and it is VERY annoying. Anyhow, it appears that the medical company got the insurance company to re-submit my claim, because it will take 30-40 days for an answer. Again, I’m waiting.

I tested today for a transcription job. I have to wait to hear back from them to see if I passed am and hired.

More waiting….

And my mother can’t seem to get it through her head that I DON’T HAVE A CAR! She thinks my husband should be tooling me around to whereever I want to go at my whim. Bless her heart. He has a job!  *sigh*

 

So, today’s theme is patience. I’m waiting for a lot of things.

I’m getting ready to go to the new grocery store to pick up a few items to get us by for next week. I’m dreading it. I know it is going to be crowded, and I’ve never been there before, so I don’t know the lay out. It is ok though.

When I get home I am going to put my pj’s on and do something. I dunno what. Oh yeah, I did my nails today. Just my fingers though. So my fingers and toes don’t match, but I don’t care.

Hope you all have a good night and a good weekend!