Appt. Update

For the most part my appointment went well. But…. My pdoc is leaving the clinic! So now I will be seeing a Nurse Practitioner. I’m sad to see Dr. Gainer go. I’ve been seeing her for 2-3 years. I feel comfortable with her and can be open and honest with her and not feel afraid that I’m going to be admitted to the psych ward. Hopefully the Nurse will be just as good.

We talked about therapy and she was going to give me a referral, but the nurses were not in this morning, as I had an early appointment. So I will have to wait until August, which is when I go back again. UNLESS I get care on my own, which I might. She gave me a list of preferred doctors, and my old therapist is on there, so I may start seeing him again.

She was very happy to hear that I am off my sleeping meds, except when needed. She went ahead and faxed over ALL of my RX’s that she gives me, just so I don’t end up needing something and then not having it. Which I thought was great, however it is going to be a big Rx bill! But I really have to find a way to get over the anxiety I have of my medical stuff. I need to accept that this is the way it is, and I need to deal with it.

I have to change bed sheets for company and then do some touch up cleaning around the house. I’m proud that I got all my housework done without killing myself. It makes me feel accomplished.

We had some bad weather last night. Lots of tornadoes touched down, and a couple pretty close to my house. Thankfully we are ok and did not suffer any damage. We even watched on touch down on the tv weather last night. It was crazy! More bad weather expected today but hopefully no tornadoes.

I may be sporadically posting within the next few days since I will be super busy with company, appointments, and graduation. But I will post and read when I can.

 

Tomorrow is Pdoc day!

I’m so excited! Tomorrow is Pdoc day! I think Dr. Gainer will be quite happy that the med increase is going good for the most part. I really want to talk to her about getting into some therapy to combat the depression since I recognize the pattern. I think therapy could help immensely with that.

Sad —-> depressed —-> guilt —-> self-loathing thoughts ——> suicidal thoughts    rinse, repeat for three days.

 

If I could just get past the guilt I think I would be ok. But that guilt really clings onto me and goes downhill quick from there. I think she will be happy that I have finally recognized my pattern and that I want to do something about it.

I just hope I don’t have to go on Free Clinic day, which would mean that I would have to get there as soon as they open, and sit and wait until a therapist is free to see me.

So I am super excited to go. I am a little nervous about my med refills. I am afraid they won’t be here in time for vacation, and I don’t have enough to last between now and the end of vacation.

I cleaned bathrooms today and did a quick load of laundry. I have another load I could do, but it is already incredibly hot in my house since in order to use the dryer I have to turn off the air condition. (We have central air, but we have needed a new unit for 5 years, so we are using window units until… well, probably forever to be honest.)

Tomorrow the in-laws arrive and then graduation day is FRIDAY!!!!!

Big Week (Day 2)

Today wasn’t too bad. I did deep clean the living room, I just didn’t vacuum the furniture off. I figured today is only Tuesday, by Thursday it is going to be covered in dog hair again, so I will do that Thursday after I get back from the pdoc. I think I am going to work on the hall bathroom tonight just so I don’t have to do both tomorrow.

Mood wise I am ok. I am sure once Thursday gets here I will be irritable and anxious. Just how it is. I know what happens to my mind when I have house guests.

I’ve been in the mood to read so I think I’m going to start one of my books on my kindle. I’ve got quite a few that I am hoping will be good. I also have some physical books that I can get into, but I want to save them for the beach in a couple weeks.

Boring post, I know. I guess it is a reflection of my day… boring. 🙂

song a day in may (Day 23)

I’m a sucker for Queen, so today’s song is The Show Must Go On by Queen. I love this song because it reminds me of my day to day life with mental illness, wearing a mask to hide all your pain, while the outside looks fine. The show must go on even if you feel like crap!

Lyrics:

Empty spaces – what are we living for
Abandoned places – I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for…
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.
Whatever happens, I’ll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I’m learning, I must be warmer now
I’ll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly – my friends
The show must go on
The show must go on
I’ll face it with a grin
I’m never giving in
On – with the show –
I’ll top the bill, I’ll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the –
On with the show –
The show must go on…

Big Week (Part 1)

Today marks Day – 1 of my Big Week.

My son is graduating Friday, my in-laws will be here Thursday, which means I have 3 days to get my house in tip-top shape. Not like I live in a pig sty, but the OCD part of me likes to have everything clean and shiny for guests, even if they are family.

Yesterday I focused on my room. Of course, as my life is now, this caused me great pain (thank you fibromyalgia). After being in pain for 3 hours, I remembered I have a TENs unit for such instances. Sadly, this didn’t help. I took my additional fibro meds for break-through pain, and they didn’t work either.

Today I focused on the kitchen. This entailed cleaning the oven, counters, cupboards, appliances, and floors. I still need to clean out the refrigerator, but I am waiting until after dinner. Again, I was struck with unrelenting pain. So, I decided to take a vicoden (hydrocodone) that the dentist had given me for pain that I had not used yet. Imagine that, it killed the pain.

This is something that really troubles me. People need pain meds, but addicts have ruined it for the people who need it. They are cracking down A LOT here in the US on opioides because so many people over dose on them. And people like me, who need them, can’t get them. I see my GP in July and I am going to ask her what we can do together as a team for this pain. The meds I take daily is great about the “out of nowhere” pain. But I am not able to do everyday things without being in pain. I keep my house tidy, but am unable to do things like work in my flowerbed, to yard work, or even something as simple as laundry without breaking it up between three days.

Anyway… I’m going to need those vicodens, and I am glad to know they kill the pain. Tomorrow is livingroom, then Wednesday is bathrooms and laundry. Thursday will just be light touch up work. One of those days I am going to have to clean the back porch also, but that won’t take long.

It is important to combat the pain, because the pain causes me depression. Which well, is just not how I want to live my life.