Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead! And other miscellany

In case you haven’t heard, Charles Manson has officially passed away. He was in and out of the hospital for unknown issues, but he finally passed. I have learned that there are a lot of sick people in the world. Manson is one of them. But there are actually people that are mourning his loss. I mean, people who are not related to him. There are people out in this world that actually look up to him. I will never understand it. If you are one of these people, can you please explain it to me?

In other news, I’m having a difficult time with focus today. I should be getting my house ready for Thursday. On the upside, I don’t have to have my house impeccably clean because only my parents will be over. I managed to get to the grocery and pick up items for tonight’s and tomorrow night’s dinner. And I also managed to forget something that I forgot to put on my list; Paper Towels. However, I should be doing SOMETHING. I can only manage to stay in one place because my head is spinning so fast I can’t make it stop and point me in one direction. To be quite honest, it sucks. I wish my husband understood. He accepts it for what it is, but he doesn’t understand. I don’t know that anyone can understand unless they have gone through or are going through it.

The lack of focus brings on anxiety. Because I am frustrated that I can’t focus, so I work myself up. Sometimes that then turns into depression. Last night I had an anxiety attack out of nowhere. I was just sitting doing some computer work and BAM! I was hit with a wave of sadness and then my stomach dropped.

So, once again, I’m trying to get the ferris wheel that is my mind to slow down and I can pick a direction. All I need is a little focus.

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It sure is foggy in here!

Oh. My. Word.

It all started a few days ago. I couldn’t figure out how to open the hood of my car. I had to read the car manual only to find out, there is a latch. In the common place a hood release latch would be.

Then today I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how to work my oven. The same exact oven that I have been cooking with for at least 15 years.

And remember that little incident about me texting my BFF and her not returning my texts so I blasted her on Facebook? *blush* I had been texting her OLD PHONE NUMBER FOR TWO FREAKING WEEKS!

Just now, I asked my son if he needed the BBQ sauce… for his bowl of RAMEN NOODLES!

What in the hell is wrong with me? I’m losing my ever lovin mind up in here!

Did I mention I have inattentive ADHD? Did I mention I’m not medicated for that yet? *sigh* I think I need to get red-hot on that.

Morning Coffee Epiphany

Coffee has this uncanny way of opening the mind and bring things to the front, that were stuffed in the back. This morning I realized I still have ‘baby fever’. I have wanted another baby for a few years. I know it is not feasible. We can’t afford it and I don’t know that in my age and condition that I would be able to even handle it. I’ve spent 24 years taking care of children. Saying that out loud really puts things into perspective. It makes me realize that I don’t actually want a baby, but rather I’m missing the role that goes along with it. My kids are getting older and don’t need me as much. And to be honest, it is bittersweet. I enjoy seeing them grow into independent beings, but it also leaves me feeling hollow.

My youngest are 10 and 15. Not so much babies anymore. I’ve done a good job teaching them right from wrong, compassion for others, empathy, and I could do better on the life skills part. I was raised at an early age to do chores. I started making dinner at 10. I was also taking care of my youngest sister by 11. I was never allowed to play until my chores were done. I worked so hard, cleaning up my parents’ mess. I promised myself that I would always let my children be children. Once they got old enough I taught them how to do things, but sometimes they don’t stick. I’m having a heck of a time teaching my 18-year-old how to do laundry, and the only thing he can cook for himself is grilled cheese or anything that goes in the oven or microwave. My 15-year-old is not so good with cutting up his own food, though I have been resisting the temptation to do it myself, and forcing myself to make him do it.

As a kid growing up, I NEVER wanted kids. It just wasn’t my thing. I wanted to be a career person. My tune changed a bit in my senior year of high school, it was then that I still had sites on being a psychiatrist, but I also wanted to be a stay at home mom. I felt that was a very important job. People scoffed at me, telling me it would never happen, yet here I am.

I miss feeding a baby, teaching them their colors and alphabet. Watching shows on Nick Jr or PBS. I miss putting a child down to nap and getting a little rest myself. I miss bedtime stories and tucking them in at night. And I fear I am having a horrible time transitioning from that. I miss diapers, and doctors visits. First steps, potty training. The true beginning of life as it were. And that is everything I miss.

Things are different now. They need me for different things. My 24-year-old is fairly independent. She only calls me when she needs me. And it is because of that, that I make sure to call my mom every day at most. I want her to continue to feel important to me. My 18 year old needs some work, but he is getting there. But I am proud of how mature he is. The 15 and the 10-year old I focus more on school with them. Make sure they get their homework done. Help when and if I can (new math is so hard for me!). My role has changed. They need me for different things.

I hope that one day it will click in my head, and I will get comfortable with that role change. I hope I will eventually find the positive side of having older children instead of focusing on everything I miss. This was the epiphany I had with my coffee this morning.

Antsy Saturday

I got up at 5 this morning. It is almost noon now. Still in my nightgown. Terribly antsy. Can’t decide if I am going to take a nap or take a shower. Put my best friend on FB blast this morning. I’m sure that will make her happy. Sorry, I’m not sorry. She is not answering my texts and I am a little offended by it. I texted her last night asking for her new address. Her birthday is coming up and I’d like to send her a card. No response. Not even this morning or yet today. I texted her last weekend and she still hasn’t responded to that. There is no excuse for that. I don’t expect a response at once, but eventually would be nice. My husband and my daughter are at the movies. We have church tonight and I don’t wanna go, but I have to because my daughter is serving. I would like to bake to keep me busy, but I don’t have ingredients to make anything. I could go to the store and get some if I wanted to, but I’m kinda trying not to spend money in case we need it for a dinner this week. So there ya have it. My Saturday thus far. Antsy as all get out.

Friday

Friday’s are always boring for me. There is never anything on TV and I usually end up going to bed early. And when I say early I mean like 7 or 8. Which means I get up before the sun on Saturday. Tonight I am going to try and get some work done. We’ll see how that goes.

I went to the thrift store today to see if I could find some tops to spruce up my closet. Nothing. Which is just as well because I really didn’t have the money to spend anyway. I think that was just the tail end of my hypomania. Which, speaking of… I am back to being human today. I even talked to my mom on the phone.

Today is the anniversary of my mine and my husband’s convalidation. It’s just a fancy word for saying that the Catholic Church recognizes our marriage. So, we have 2 anniversaries, one in July and one in November. But we only celebrate the one in July.

Like I said, moodwise I’m good. Staying aware though, watching for any more “activity”. Maybe I’ll do some baking tonight. Not sure if I have ingredients for anything. Hope you all have a good night.

For the new followers

I’ve noticed I’ve picked up some new followers, so I just wanted to give you a heads up on what you’ve walked into. LOL

I talk about myself a lot. Mostly about the struggles I have with Bipolar and now ADHD. Sometimes I post some interesting articles in relation to these topics, sometimes other topics. I enjoy comments but don’t get them often. Of the over 250 followers I have, I only have a core group of 5 followers that I call “regulars” that read nd comment. I don’t mind if you don’t comment, it’s not a requirement. I just like when it happens. It makes me feel like I’m not talking to myself. 😉

Chances are, if you follow me, I’m following you too. I try to read blogs every day, at least once. I also try to comment if I have something to say. Sometimes I am speechless so I just “like” a post. Somedays I get in a funk, between the bipolar and ADHD I just can’t focus on reading or I just need a “time out”.

I hope you enjoy peeking in on my life. I try to make it as enjoyable as possible. Somedays I write eloquently, other days I write just as if I were speaking to you in real life.

I enjoy it here. And I use this blog as a form of therapy and/or tracking. The purpose of most of my writing is to let people know that they are not alone in this fucked up world of mental illness. Even if we don’t suffer from the same illness(s).

Welcome to my world. I’m glad you’re here. 🙂