Where in the hell have I been?!?!?!

I’ve been manic. Since March. 4 days ago is when I finally leveled out. After a couple of medication increases and additions, of course.

I’ve also been doing A LOT of work. Both in couples counseling and in individual therapy and from my nurse.

I’ve been heavy in my diamond painting. That has really been my saving grace. It keeps me busy, quiets my head, but also allows me to think about things safely. I’m not sure how exactly that works, but I’m not questioning it. I’m going with the flow.

Ive become a tiktok addict. I have one for mental health and one for diamond painting.

@bipolar1_warrior is my mental health tiktok

@my_art_therapy is my diamond painting.

I have a very rigid schedule now. This is my first week on it and it seems to be working well so far. I even work out now. Because it is on my schedule, and it is good for my mental and physical health, and because it is on my schedule I hold myself accountable.

Today was therapy. I have to write a narrative about my relationship with my oldest daughters dad. The one that caused my PTSD. From the beginning of the relationship up until now. I have to go weekly while doing this. I’ve been jotting down notes today. I’ll probably start putting everything down Thursday and work on it through the weekend. It is amazing how much stays in your head. Stuff you thought was locked down tight so it would never resurface again. It will be very cathartic but also very painful and scary having to relive all of the memories.

My husband has been fucking amazing through all of this. I trust him with my life. My trust for him has grown exponentially. This manic episode has made me do a lot of growing. It has made me understand my own boundaries. It has given me fresh eyes on what I am able and not able to do. I have a better grasp on understanding what I can and can’t handle.

I’ll try and get back here more often. Writing is very cathartic for me. But I haven’t been in the mindset to do any writing. It was just too much. But, I’m feeling better now. And feeling level finally. I went from getting 3-4 hours of sleep at night, to finally getting 7-8 hours sleep. And OMG! Sleep makes a HUGE difference!

We are getting anniversary pictures taken this weekend HOPEFULLY! They were supposed to happen last weekend, but it rained. It is also supposed to rain this weekend. But I’m hoping it will hold off. I really want these pictures to get done. But I’ll post pictures as soon as I have them.

Take care of yourselves. Hit me up on TikTok if you are on there. I’m on there EVERY flipping day. LOL

Of course

I just got back from my appointment with Janet. And they are in she is increasing my Trileptal to 300 mg twice a day from 150 mg twice a day. She called in a prescription for the austedo and I called the pharmacy and gave them the co-pay card information and it was denied. So I called the drug company like they told me to and of course they’re close for the holiday. So I will have to call them tomorrow morning first thing so we can get this sorted out.In the meantime I have an extra box of samples but I’m gonna be on 9 mg twice a day and right now I’m on 9 mg once a day..

She says I am still coming down off of the mania. But I’ve got rapid thoughts I’ve got impulse problems and very busy so you know this has been a fun ride. That was total sarcasm in case you didn’t catch it.

Got to make a list of things I need to do today so I can stay on track. I know it’s been a while since I’ve been on here but like I said I’ve been crazy and not able to focus and right now I’m using my dictation side so I don’t have to type I’m so lazy.

So I hope everybody has a good day and a good week and I’ll be checking in as soon as I can.

Sleep success?

So, for the past three nights I have taken Calm magnesium citrate supplements and I have been sleeping like a baby. I get no kickback, just wanted to share how well these have been working for me. I take 4 every night before bed. This shows the drink mix, I take the gummies.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BPUY3W0/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?encoding=UTF8&aaxitk=26d785ea13f1bbc06a7cda85dbecf092&hsa_cr_id=5120051200801&pd_rd_plhdr=t&pd_rd_r=10459f3d-7a3c-4e40-a2fa-b1c0bbac10d7&pd_rd_w=j39An&pd_rd_wg=ECJuu&ref=sbx_be_s_sparkle_mcd_asin_0_title

What is sleep

I’m still not right guys. And it’s this fucking sleep bullshit. I see Janet on the 5th and I will mince no words with her. I legit need a 3 day stay in the hospital for exhaustion. I’m not even kidding. I need my system reset. .If she tells me my sleep is still fucked up because I am manic I’m going to scream. If I do not get results with Janet, I will get in with my doctor. I. Need. Sleep.

Paranoid

I have had yet another package stolen from my front porch. In broad daylight, while I was home. I’m starting to get creeped out that someone is watching me. Twice is no coincidence. Twice is someone watching your house. Trigger the ptsd….

Exhaustapated

Ive been exhausted since yesterday. Like full blown can’t do anything stuck in bed exhausted. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed. I stayed up til 330 the night before and only got 3 hours sleep. I took a nap and was tired but able to function.today? Not so much. I was in bed till noon. I forced myself to get out of bed and get dressed. Made the salad for dinner tonight and am forcing myself to stay vertical. When I know this is fibro related, I listen to my body and rest. But, there is no pain associated with this fatigue. Is it possible to be depressed and not know it? I have therapy tomorrow and am going to ask. But if any of you know, please let me know. Because this is typical depressed behavior. But it’s just the physical symptoms, not the mental. My husband said he thinks my body is just sort of shutting down. My emotions have been intense since March and now that I am regaining stability, it’s telling me I need to rest. I suppose that could also be right.

At any rate, I really just want to lay down and do nothing. My daughter did dishes for me today without hesitation. She told me could tell that there was something wrong. She asked if I had a medication change. The only thing is the trileptal and the austedo. I take both after dinner. I’ve never had an issue with trileptal in the past. And I am on a low dose right now of the austedo as I’m on a trial pack. Ingrezza made me tired so that is why I chose to take the austedo at night. But it hasn’t made me sleepy.

I just know it sucks. I don’t know why all this shit happens to me. I just want to live a normal life.

: O

I just spent $200 on a pair of pajamas! I’m kicking myself in the ass. It is a set shit and pants. Each priced separately of course… I have the nightgown from the line, and I absolutely LOVE it. It is bamboo material. Soooooooooooooo soft.

It’s my birthday gift to me. I think hubby is getting me Britbox. Because he hasn’t bought me anything… at all.

It’s been a long time!

At least it feels like it.

I’m not sure where to start. So Ill start with the recent stuff and go backwards as best I can.

Still not stable. Working on that. I was placed on Trileptal to hopefully get things back to normal. I’ve been extremely emotional. Bouncing up and down mood wise. My geodon got increased. 60mg in the am. 80mg in the pm. I’m Austedo samples for the TD. Not sure how long this will last. Insurance won’t cover it and it is 6 grand a month. Janet (nurse) told me to move my prescriptions to a small specialty pharmacy, because the chains can’t handle all of my meds appropriately. I found one that is in my insurances network. And the Austedo also needs to be taken with food. I took my first dose last night and it kicked my ass. I was so damn tired when I got up this morning. Had I not had stuff to do today, I would have stayed asleep.

I’m seeing Janet every two weeks because I am so fucked up. I am starting to have some clarity, but it comes and goes. I’m anticipating to be a hot mess on fathers day (also my birthday). I am supposed to be more social and I am supposed to find things to do when my husband has his days to himself, because I isolate and then the thoughts start. I’m also supposed to talk to someone about my dad because I have not fully processed his death. My mom suggested grief counseling. I really don’t need another therapist, honestly.

I’ve had my first real session with my therapist. I am supposed to find a work from home job. Part time, because I want a job but I am not stable and I need something that is not very stressful. I see him every two weeks for now also. And we also see our marriage counselor every two weeks. I feel very overwhelmed because I have homework with all of my people.

I’m having guilt that my mom talks to me all the time. And that she gives me stuff all the time. I’ve received a practically new laptop, and new iPad, DVD’s, and she just informed me she sent a birthday gift. My mother NEVER does birthdays. And my sister doesn’t get that much attention.

That is really about it.