I didn’t want to go to sleep last night. I didn’t want to have to wake up and feel this feeling AGAIN. But I did go to sleep, and I did wake up feeling this feeling again. I just feel like I’m covered in sludge. I DGAF about anything, but then again I do. I have no motivation to do anything, and that pisses me off. I guess I’m sulking, but I don’t know why, unless it is because I am feeling completely overwhelmed… And JUST when I think someone understands, or I am going to get help with something…. BAM! The rug comes right out from underneath me.
Slowly I am starting to make my kids become more independant. Little things like get their own drink, or put their own stuff away, or get their own pajamas…. I have hit a stage where I don’t want anyone to be dependant upon me, because it stresses me out. I think that deserves some deeper thought as to WHY I feel that way, but that will be fore another time.
Currently, my oldest daughter is crashed on our couch. The couch we have told her a thousand times to not sleep on anymore. She has shit she could be doing like calling the mechanic about her car, getting the money out of the bank to make another payment to her grandma, calling the finance company to see why they haven’t been taking payments out of her account for her car, going to the DMV to get her tags transferred over to her car. It is 2:30pm…. I woke her up an hour ago and asked her what time she was wanting to get up, her response was”I don’t have to work today” but I told her she had things to take care of today. Apparently she thinks not.
I have a large to-do list that I compiled last night, I wanted to do at lease ONE thing, but I haven’t. I went back to bed after the kids went to school, and woke up at noon — I didn’t want to face today. Because I don’t like feeling this pain, that isn’t actually pain, I guess it is emotional pain. I just want out of my body. I want to be released. I don’t want to be a prisoner anymore.