So I found a new trigger today: My husbands lack of communication. I am in desperate need of medication right now, but I am trying to hold off as long as possible. It is important to me that I try to deal with this as best as I can without medication.
For the past 3 days now, he has been….. dickish for lack of a better term. I noticed the change when we came home from my parents this past Sunday. I passed it off as him just being tired since we were up early and didn’t get home until Sunday evening. But no, he was still that way yesterday.
He came home and was different. I asked him what was wrong, he said “nothing”. So, I let it go. Then he was on the back porch, just sitting there, staring out into space. Again I ask what is wrong. Again I get “nothing”. I called bullshit, and he said “nothing you need to worry about” to which I tell him,” I am going to be worried whether or not you tell me, so just tell me.”
“I’m just figuring out our budget.” He says….
Ok, then just fucking say it. Don’t make me drag it out of you.
Then things seemed a little better last night after he told me what was bothering him.
Until he came home today. Again, he came home differently. But today I didn’t ask what was wrong. But I noticed how it made me feel. And I feel like I am being a mirror of him. I am projecting to him what he is projecting to me. And, I don’t know how to stop that. Because it emotionally hurts. And it pisses me off. And tomorrow is his birthday, so….. how am I supposed to act like nothing is wrong when clearly there is something wrong.
Now, let me add, I had to spend 105.00 at the vet for our dog. 40 and my doctor for my visit and for my sons visit last week, and 25 on meds for me.
Which brings me back to the same issue we had 5 years ago, when I get the “We don’t have enough money for you to keep going to the shrink and all your meds” problem. Which was one of the reasons why I stopped going to the shrink and got off meds. Because HE had an issue with the whole money thing.
Which gives me anxiety, and I feel guilt, because I don’t want to fucking be this way. I didn’t sign up for this! I never said “Yay! Having a Mental Illness is FUN! I hope I have it FOREVER!!!!!!”
My head hurts, not in a headache sense, but in a different sense, a sense that I can’t explain. In a way that I wanna bang my head on the wall and make it all go away (it being the pain in my head). The white noise is louder than usual……. a deafening sound.
When I got ready to make dinner, he said he wasn’t hungry. I told him to let me know when he wanted his dinner. And then an hour later, he started making dinner. I asked him “I thought you were going to let me know when to start dinner for you.” “I can make it myself” he says….. Ok, fuck you too.
Maybe I’m taking it all wrong. But I don’t think so.
Time for medication. Maybe a double dose.
I am straight forward with him ALL THE TIME. Why can’t he be the same way. He doesn’t share ANYTHING! It’s times like this, that I feel like my marriage is empty. Certainly not how I wanted to feel the day before his birthday.