I have spent the day in silence. I am in a bad depression and I am trying to pull through it. But you need to understand how much I can’t stand silence. It scares me. Like some people are afraid of the dark. But I reached out to a person who is important to me by way of email, and I am very glad I did.
I fell asleep, with my dog beside me, in my silent room. The bird didn’t even make a sound. I woke up a couple hours later, checked my email, and there was a response. Sometimes that is all you need. A response. Someone who can commiserate. So you don’t feel so damn alone.
My thoughts this morning where multiple “fucks” in my mind. “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!, why do I have to be this way! SHIT! just make it all go away!”
I felt like the “rainman” resided in my cerebrum.
But I stayed silent. Surrounded myself in silence. I did call my mom, but I didn’t mention anything to her, because I knew she was getting ready to leave and she wasn’t feeling well, and I didn’t want her to feel awkward because she would have to get off the phone. (sidenote: do any of you do that? don’t want to “bother” anyone with your shit. what the fuck is that all about anyway? I do know what it is about, but that is another blog for another day)
I feel a bit better. Not 100% better, but…. maybe this picture will sum it up:
p.s. I had no idea bipolar was classified as a “severe” mental illness. SHIT! This doesn’t make me feel any better about things.