Yuck

Well, to bring you up to speed, I have been off meds since April. The only thing I take in regards to my bipolar is Sonata for sleep. But I have a feeling things are about to change. I’ve got this new thing now… I feel gross. No matter how much I shower/bathe, I feel disgusting. This has been going on for about 3 – 5 days +/-
I now completely understand the people who suffer from severe OCD and are washers. I took a shower last night because I felt like I wanted to rip my skin off! I felt disgusting! Mind you, I had a bath the night before! After my shower, which was completely unsatisfactory, I changed my bed sheets, hoping this would help the situation. Because I know this is all. in. my. head.

I had plans to call a therapist today and schedule an appointment. Looked them up last night on the insurance website and found a few that felt good and specialize in bipolar and anxiety. But, those plans got nixed today because we had our water shut off. Which made me feel even more disgusting. Even though I AM CLEAN! But knowing that I wasn’t able to take a shower due to the water being shut off, just made things intensify.

Another factor to not calling and making an appointment is that money is super tight. So, we don’t really have the money for me to go to therapy. But we probably don’t have the money for me to be institutionalized either, so….

I know this is all happening because I have been internalizing so many things lately. And it is especially aggravating because some of these stressors I am trying to tackle on my own, but am met with a bunch of brick walls.

I have found myself wanting to stray and I have found myself wanting to abuse substances. Neither I have done, but the urge is there. I just keep telling myself it is all in my head, and try to talk myself down.

Sometimes, this life just sucks.

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