Ruminations of Death (possible trigger)

So I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Just death in general. Like what is going to happen when my parents die, what am I going to say at their services? I talked to my sister about it today, and she thought maybe I am just feeling the need to let people know how much I appreciate them. It was a kind thought on her part. But in my mind it was a scary thought.

Why is it, when things get rough, we think about death? And I am talking about suicide now. Maybe it is just me that does this. I don’t feel “depressed”, but I feel defeated, in a hole, with no solutions to my current problems. So I have been thinking about different ways to leave this existence. Nothing seems to fit the bill though. Some ways are too messy. Some ways are clean, but would be a disappointment.

If I were to end things, it would only create more problems. Not for me, but for my family and friends. I would leave a hole in their soul. It is quite possible that they would hold anger against me. I couldn’t have that.

And who is to say death would be any better than life? I mean if you leave by your own hand. My beliefs say I would spend time in purgatory, trying to make things right. Well, who is to say how long that is going to take? And what if I just straight up go to hell? What kind of shit is that? I don’t think I am ready for that.

Like I said, I have been thinking a lot lately. And I guess (thankfully) that I am just not ready to end it. I guess it would be easier to deal with current problems than to leave more problems in my wake. I guess I’m not selfish enough or in enough pain to leave it all behind. Which I guess is good?

I have a pdoc appointment next week. I’m sure she will put me back on meds. I want to get into therapy, I need to get into therapy, but the funds just won’t allow it right now.

All I know is, I want to bury the pain and the problems. I don’t want to deal with them because quite frankly I don’t have the strength.


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