It’s the Little Things

Stupid things set me off lately. For instance, I got the bill for our cable/internet in my email. I told my husband Wednesday “Please don’t forget to pay the cable bill”. His response? “Oh, I won’t. I am going to pay that tonight with the rest of the bills.” FYI Tonight never came. I got another notice that it is late (2 months to be exact) and I sit here and wait for him to pay the damn bill.

I used to be in charge of paying the bills. And I paid them. ALL OF THEM. We didn’t have much money left, but our bills were paid. The husband would take money out or buy something without checking the bank balance or checking with me to see if we had the money, and that led to overdraws at the bank.

Don’t you know that it was all MY fault, so — I was taken off of bill paying duty.

I get anxiety if something isn’t paid. Like seriously to the point of being sick.

He is very lax when it comes to paying bills and it just leaves me dumbfounded. Like, seriously??

It is a small thing like this, that triggers my thoughts onto everything else that pisses me off, and I just turn into mega bitch.

And it dawned on me the other day why I don’t get on to him about stuff like I should.

I don’t want him to feel burdened. Isn’t that stupid??? I don’t want him to feel anything negative, yet I will suck all that deep down inside and let it make ME miserable. What the fuck is up with that? Sounds like something I need to work on.

By the way, I have been up since 1:30 this morning. I went to bed at 9. So I’m going on 4.5 hours of sleep. When I got up I had pondered taking another sleeping pill. But then I was afraid that I wouldn’t be up in time for this kids to enjoy Christmas. Well, it is me and my youngest son that is up. My husband and the oldest son are still asleep, and my youngest daughter spend the night at my oldest daughters house for the night. They aren’t here yet either. I could be fucking sleeping! I am going to be a BEAR today! But just as always, I am going to tuck it deep down inside and hide that shit so no one else has to see it.

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