Mental Illness and Friendship

How many friends do you guys have? Do you have many or few?

I have 1. O.N.E. – well, I have more than that, a few here where I live, but none that I would really hang out with and do stuff with. I find friendship to be exhausting at times. It can also be lonely if you don’t have the right friend. It can also be a life saver. I have a ton on line. Some I even have a phone relationship with. But I try not to talk on the phone much these days, it just takes too much out of me.

My BFF has a new beau. And he lives with her. Which is great! I am happy for her. She is a great gal! But, I feel like I’m being left on the roadside. And I know in my right mind, that is so far from the truth. I’m just used to being the only one. I’m used to going on road trips with her at the middle of the night when she gets a wild hair up her ass. I am used to being the one she calls when she is sad or mad or happy. And I am not anymore.

I haven’t seen her since before Thanksgiving. And even then she wasn’t even there. I got super sick and she took off to be with her boyfriends daughter who was at the hospital. Which I totally didn’t have a problem with. We would hang out every Friday and I would spend the night. We would go out for dinner, or she would make something. We would watch movies or play cards. Sometimes we would do something crafty. But not anymore.

I’m not jealous. But I AM sad. And I feel like I am losing my friend, even though I know I’m not. It’s just been “us” for so long, and now it’s not. I have to get used to that.

When I have a relationship with someone, I give them 200%. Maybe that is where I have gone wrong? I dunno.

My life is being at home, with my kids, cleaning, making dinner, or helping with homework. On bad days I’m in my room under the covers wanting my life to end.

I need a life. A different life. An addition to my current life. I need change. I need something, because what I have now isn’t working for me.

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5 thoughts on “Mental Illness and Friendship”

  1. I only have a select few friends. Only friends who don’t judge me for who I am or what I’ve done. Ones I can talk to in the bad times. They are the most understanding.

  2. I have two friends, and they are a couple. I’ve known one since I was 13 but oddly am closer to the other. I’m rubbish with friends though, I don’t like meeting up with them too often…I can text, skype etc but I’m happy to see them in person just a few times a month, and only when my partner can come.

    I hope things pick up for you soon…

  3. I relate so much to your post. I, however, really only do only have 1, that’s O.N.E. friend. I take friendship extremely seriously. I can make friends easily. But I can’t keep them. I feel betrayed when they don’t place as much value or put as much effort as I do in the friendship. They’re not at fault, they’ve done nothing wrong. I just get confused – have I don’t something wrong, don’t they like me anymore – and most likely they’re just busy. I’ve learnt I can be FRIENDLY with people better than I can be FRIENDS with them. My personal theory is that my interpretation of reality is different to most peoples, so I find it difficult to relate socially. I only had 9 friends (all work colleagues) on my FB. I’ve deactivated that now. Apparently bipolars are solitary people. I’ve come to terms with it. I like to be alone 🙂

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