It’s funny how my mind works. I woke up at 1:30 this morning, checked my powerball numbers (I didn’t win. Only had 1 number), and then I thought about how I let my initial bipolar diagnosis, scare me out of some great opportunities.
How can someone have a deep thought like that, just mere minutes after waking up in the middle of the night? I don’t know, but it’s how I roll, apparently.
Which brings me to my blog submission for today!
Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder is a very scary thing. Mainly because of the stigma that is attached to it. Because we all know, EVERYONE with bipolar disorder, is unstable and shoots up the post office. People with bipolar disorder are crazy and unpredictable. But no one understands that these are things that can/ maybe/ might happen while some one is UNMEDICATED or not under professional care!
I was working for a website at the time of my diagnosis. I was in charge of the PR/SEO/Music Reviews/Interviews. but also did book reviews and some movie reviews. The job didn’t pay money, but it paid with experience and it paid with perks. I helped create the site, put long hours into hand coding with the owner, and making a massive site that ranked in the top 10 of Google.
I got diagnosed, and I pretty much let it all go.
I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I had Bipolar Disorder. I didn’t have a support system, or even know anyone that I could talk to about my meds I was being given, or therapy sessions, or someone to just vent about it and say “This fucking sucks!” And that be ok.
Instead I was told, I didn’t need therapy, all I needed to do was call my friend — she would be my therapist for free. I was told I was on too much medication from people who were unfamiliar with ADULTS that have mental illness. It was all just too much to handle.
And because of the meds, I wasn’t “me” any more. And I got told that A LOT. Of course I wasn’t staying up all night coding, until the sun rose the next morning. And I was being told there was something wrong with that. I was changing.
Well hell yes I was changing. I was on the road to “recovery”. I was trying to get better. I was trying to become well. They all knew the “crazy”, manic, fun loving, risk taking, unfiltered, me. They all got to know the “sick” me.
I think, if I had to do it all over again, I would have done it differently. I think I would NOT have let the diagnosis scare me. I think I would have taken things one day at a time. I think I would have done more research and looked for more outlets for support.
It’s not an easy road, for sure. And while I am mad at myself for giving up when I did. I’m not holding it against me. I was scared. I was new to the process and had no one around to help.
For all of you new to the diagnosis: Don’t do what I did. Don’t give up what you love because you are afraid of your diagnosis. Grab that bitch by the horns and let it know that YOU are in charge of your destiny, not IT.
My door is always open if anyone needs someone to talk to. Yeah, I don’t know you, but we are in the same boat. We have a diagnosis in common. And because of that diagnosis, I have made a lot of friends. I always have room for more.