Sometimes It’s Difficult

I started to write an email to my mother-in-law, gently putting her on alert, as to why I don’t go to the gym or use the treadmill at home. And then I deleted it all, because for one, it sounded like a bunch of excuses, and two, she probably doesn’t even care.

This was a big chunk of the weekly phone call last night. Why I don’t exercise.

I don’t want to be portrayed as a fat, good for nothing, lazy, person. Because I’m not. I have health conditions that prevent me from doing things. And they all feed off of each other. And it doesn’t help when I have to go off meds because of stupid prior authorizations that the insurance companies need so I can get my meds filled to make me feel “fine” for a week or two, because it is like starting all over again.

I’m just really frustrated. I feel I have to explain myself all the fucking time, because people can’t see my illnesses. I try not to complain when I am tired or in pain or feeling depressed, because it comes across as whining.

I’m fighting every single day to try and stay sane, trying to not be tired, and trying not to be in pain. On top of all that fighting, I try to keep the house up, take care of my kids, and look for a job, so I can contribute to the household financially because I have so much guilt over how much it costs to keep me medicated and doctor visits.

Unfortunately, people can’t see that. People can’t see what goes on inside of you. And that is a damn shame.

I don’t want a cookie for my efforts, I just want some acknowledgement. I just want someone to say “I know how hard you have been working, and I just want to let you know, I acknowledge it, and hope the best for you.”

People take “knowledge” for granted. People assume you know how they feel. That is why it is so important to communicate your feelings, so everyone is on the same page.

So, I think I will send an email to my mother in law, but a different one. One letting her know what I am going through, medically and personally. I will not use an accusatory tone. I will use a friendly and informational tone. I will ask for prayers and positive vibes.

I post this today because I know I am not the only one feeling this way. I know many of my followers can relate to this. And for those that can’t, I hope it gives you food for thought.

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