Today, my mind is heading south.
It all started this morning when B went to get his workout shirt from the dryer, but it was still in the washing machine. I apologized, and he was a little miffed, but nothing too terrible.
In my mind, the proverbial whipping began.
“Why are you so stupid!”
“Why are you so lazy!”
“Can’t you do ANYTHING right?!”
“You are a horrible housewife!”
And on and on and on…..
Mind you, my husband has NEVER spoken this way to me. These thoughts are a result of the mental abuse I suffered as a child. That stuff sticks. And then it spiders to my medical life…
I feel like such a bother some visits. I feel like they MUST think I am a hypochondriac, because they run test after test after test on me, and everything comes back normal. What the fuck is wrong with me? So then I just shut up. I don’t say anything when symptoms arise, and then they go too long unmentioned, and then I get scolded from the doctors for not saying something sooner.
I can’t win.
The only thing I can do, is pick myself up and get on with things and change my attitude. But I think that is the hardest part sometimes. Because sometimes I have become a hardened pile of dumped concrete, IMPOSSIBLE to pick up.
I’m not depressed. I just am. I am just being too hard on myself. But some days, it is the only way I know how to be.