The funny thing about bipolar, sometimes emotions just wash over you out of the blue. Sometimes triggers cause your depression or mania (or…. insert emotion here). But today is not one of those kind of days.
My first indication that depression was going to be my guest today was when I had the thought that being dead would be a good option right now. Not that I am suicidal, because I’m not. It was just more of an observation; I wouldn’t have to deal with the roller coaster ride, or the chronic pain and fatigue if I was dead. I wouldn’t have to feel like I am letting people down. I wouldn’t feel like a financial burden. I’d just be dead. It would all be over.
The death thought eventually went away, and now I’m left with the “eyore syndrom”. Everything is grey, nothing matters, I just want to hide under my covers in bed and make this day go away.
But what about tomorrow? Am I going to feel like this tomorrow? GAWD I hope not.
And then I try really hard to think about where this mood came from. CERTAINLY it must have been triggered. Was it because I felt so bad about the dryer incident this morning? That would be totally lame if this is the case! Is it because my knee is killing me? Possibly, but probably unlikely.
So I just accept it. I mean, does it really matter how I became to feel this way? What matters is that I feel this way and I want to get out of the soggy tar paper that is covering me. I’m of no use to anyone like this.
I ordered pizza because I don’t have the energy to cook dinner. I even ordered it early because I am so desperate to have this night be over and done with. I just hope it doesn’t do the opposite and make the night drag on.
I am going to go soak my knee in the tub and put my pj’s on. And after homework is done, I’m going to bed.
B will be gone tonight, so no hiding under a rock earlier than 8 tonight. To make matters worse, a huge storm is coming in. It has already started to rain and the thunder is rolling in. They are expecting winds to be around 40mph and they are expecting power to go out. So with any luck my anxiety won’t kick in. Wish me luck!
p.s. I did spark a thought today, a wild crazy thought about becoming a medical assistant. I have no money to do it, but it was one of those upswing type thoughts, and the depression quickly put that to a screeching halt. Sometimes I feel like there is a clown in my mind that is juggling my emotions, and the emotion that I am forced to feel, is the one that gets dropped on the floor.