Wading Through The Sludge

I am trying to make it through the days. I do the best that I can, yet I repeatedly chastise myself for not doing better. The conversation goes something like this:

“Man, I am spent!”

“Why? You haven’t done anything! You lazy piece of human being! You have one job…. ONE freaking job – taking care of the house. That is it, that is ALL you have to do! Do you realize how many working moms would LOVE to be in your position? Be at home to see their kids off to school, being the first one they see when they come home from school? Tons. And here you are pulling a ‘pity me, my life is so hard’ party for one. Get a fucking grip on yourself!”

“Um… thanks for the pep talk? You know how hard I try DAILY to just muster up enough strength to not get tired doing the dishes. Some days I can’t even focus on ONE task, let alone more than one. I am no good to anyone if I can’t do things in my own time and on my own schedule.”

“You are so pathetic.”

“Trust me, I feel the guilt. I wish I could do more. I wish I wasn’t on a constant roller coaster of emotions. If I could have just ONE good day. ONE NORMAL day…”

“Whatever…..”

 

I find it funny, that we are often so critical of ourselves. Why do we expect perfection out of ourselves if we don’t expect it from others? Why can’t we be kind to ourselves like we are to other people? Maybe it’s just me.

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4 thoughts on “Wading Through The Sludge”

  1. It’s not just you. I think it’s common that those of us who struggle are more understanding of the people around us. Now if only we could apply that to ourselves ………..
    You aren’t useless or worthless or any of the other things that your negative internal monologue says you are. Your kids aren’t going to remember whether the house was perfect or not. They will remember that you were there for them.

  2. Iggy, its not just you. It’s actually very hard being at home and responsible for everything and the kids. I get to go to work, be in a different environment, have social interact, get to laugh, have an adrenaline rush just before deadline. Lots of external stimuli to keep me going. I find weekends at home alone hard. You’re being waaaaaay to hard on yourself. Its a tough job responsible for the home and having a mental illness. Cut yourself some slack. Try to design a routine that includes a nap to help your fatigue. You’re forgetting you have a chronic illness and things need to be done differently (lots of hugs)

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