Solid Thoughts vs. Whimsical Thoughts

I’ve been sitting on a thought for about a month. And I think I need to sit on it for a little while longer, just to make sure it is not a “bipolar” thought. Or Whimsical thought, as I am calling them for the sake of this blog.

If I have learned anything while living with disease, it is that I should never go with my first thought. I need to sit and stew on them for a good while to make sure those thoughts are well thought out and that they actually stay, and are not just some whim of the disease.

The job search is not going so well. So my thoughts go back to “go back to school”. However, we are raising 3 kids on one income, so the money for me to go to school isn’t really available. I want to forgo loans if at all possible. We make too much money for a grant. I’m still paying off my student loan from 10 years ago, and my husband is paying off his as well.

I am really thinking I might want to go to school for Medical Assistant. It will take 2 years to complete, and there are plenty of jobs in the want ads for them. I would be about 45 or so by the time I finish school, still “young enough” to get a job (hopefully). I talked to my mom about it and shared my hesitations with her about my age, and she told me that a nurse she worked with got her degree when she was 50, so…. all hope is not lost.

Problem is, I need to talk to my husband about it. So I have to make sure this is a viable decision for me.

Oh, how I hate this disease and second guessing my mind on a daily.

Talking to my husband about these things is difficult for me. I feel like I am talking to a parent, trying to convince them to give me the car keys for the night. And it is not because he is mean or anything, it is just my mindset. I want his approval, I want him to think it is a good idea, I don’t want him to poke any holes in my perfect dream (even if it is just a dream for the moment). I’m not good with rejection, especially if no reason is given behind it, because then I feel like I was stupid for even thinking of the idea in the first place. (It really is true, the more people tell you that you are stupid, the more you believe it. I grew up with my dad telling me I was stupid far too often, and I can’t shake that thought that has been burned into my mind for nothing!)

So, for now, I will sit on this thought. And see if it stays or if it flies in the wind with yesterday’s garbage….


2 thoughts on “Solid Thoughts vs. Whimsical Thoughts”

  1. As you know, my wife is bi-polar. When she “makes a decision” I try to logically go through the process with her. Not to “approve” it but to make sure she has considered all the angles and to insure it is a decision that was not made while in a manic episode.

    However that being said, if she chooses to pursue a decision then I fully support her. I offer advice and perspective, never permission. She is an empowered adult and a partner in this marriage.

  2. You are approaching this so sensibly. With bipolar, yes we can have these great ideas and then they fizzle out and there’s no follow through. Perhaps even write out a pro’s and con’s list for when you approach your husband? That way, you’ll already have the answers if he tries to poke holes in your proposal

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