The days are getting harder to get through. At night I just want to sleep everything away. Today I finally get to see my dad, but I’m not sure if I am prepared. He was moved out of ICU yesterday, after being there for a week (He was only supposed to be there for 2 days).
The fact of the matter is, he is not doing so well. Vital wise, he is great. But mentally, not so much. He is still hallucinating and trying to break out of the hospital. I talked to my sister last night who went to visit him, and she walked in on him trying to get out of his bed. She asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he was ready to go! He had four bags, and they needed to find them so he could leave! Then he thought he was at work, and asked why my nephews were there. He said he knew that my mom had given them a tour, but he had work to get done, but he finished all of his work and didn’t know what to do. My sister played along.
He is on no pain meds. At first they thought it was the morphine that needed to get out of his system. Then they said he had ICU Psychosis (which is the main reason why the moved him out of ICU). Last night the nurses told my sister they are afraid he might have Sundowners. I was on the verge of tears after I got off the phone with my sister last night. I told my husband that I didn’t know how I was going to handle seeing my dad like this. He told me to make sure I take all my meds before we leave, and that he would be there with me. Those words meant a lot to me.
My mental health is fragile. It always has been. I will admit, I wanted to die last night, but I thought about how that would affect my mother. The thoughts quickly diminished. I need to be strong. Stronger than I have ever been before. I just hope I can muster up the strength. I was thinking about Sunday School class, and how we only have four classes left, and how I might ask for a sub to teach for me for the remainder of the year. But I have to get my lesson plans in order. I don’t even have a lesson plan ready for tomorrow! I have a lot of thoughts running in my head, bumping into each other like people walking on a busy New York street during rushhour.
I haven’t been able to post any of this on facebook. My mom has asked that I not, because of all the family members that would freak out. She wants to focus her attention on my dad, not trying to answer questions people might have that she may or may not be able to answer. Or listening to stories about how so and so had this happen and they never snapped out of it. Quite frankly, she has heard enough of those stories.
If you are the praying kind, please pray for my family. If you are the good vibe kind, please throw some our way. If you believe in nothing, please spare a positive vibe or kind thought my way. We could really use it.