“….The program this evening is not new. You’ve seen this entertainment through and through. You’ve seen your birth, your life, and death. You might recall all of the rest. Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?….”
— Jim Morrison “The Movie”
For those of you living with this, none of this is new. For those of you that don’t, I have some words.
Having bipolar disorder is NOT a figment of my imagination. I do NOT have some dark seeded life trauma that has caused this disorder. Therapy alone is NOT going to fix this. Just because there is no blood test that can be given to me to “properly diagnose” me with this disorder, does not make it any less REAL. I do NOT expect you to fix me. I do NOT expect you to understand what I go through on a daily basis. But I DO expect you to BE understanding. I DO expect you to be compassionate. I DO expect you to just be there for me if I need to talk; regardless of if what I am saying makes no sense to you or you can not relate.
If you can not be these things for me, then you are toxic to me and I don’t need you in my life; even if it hurts to see you go.
There are days when I don’t even know what I am feeling or how to feel. There are days I want to die; but not for attention, but because I am tired of living this way; not knowing what I am going to feel from day to day, or how certain situations are going to make me feel. I feel like a burden some days, my actions make me ashamed sometimes, and I can’t understand how someone can love me with all of my flaws.
Please do NOT tell me how to feel. Please do NOT tell me that you only like me when… Please do not tell me that you feel like you have lost me and you miss the old me. Guess what? I miss the old me too. I like myself better when I am happy or even manic. I do NOT like feeling depressed.
Please understand I am doing the best that I can. Please understand I NEED my medications on a daily so that I can lead some semblance of a normal life. Please give me credit where credit is due.