Self Deprecating

I see my pdoc in 7 days. I am terrified that she is going to switch my meds. Only because she had mentioned that maybe my current med isn’t working. And the only reason I’m nervous, is because if she puts me on something else, I am afraid I am going to gain all that fucking weight back. 15 pounds is a lot, but not a lot in the grande scheme of where I should be. But then I think, maybe I need to be on something else.

The current med has done good with keeping my suicidal thoughts and depression at bay. However, I feel like I am just past the edge of it all, and I have no motivation. IF I start to focus on the lack of motivation, then I can get depressed, so I don’t go there.

The interesting thing is, that I am on ONE medication for my bipolar. I’m afraid it’s not cutting it. I’m used to being on several meds for the bipolar.

Then I start to wonder if maybe my diagnosis is wrong, maybe I have cyclothymia or maybe my very first diagnosis at the age of 15 of severe clinical depression was the correct diagnosis? But atypical depression seems to fit too. And maybe all those moments of mania are really just me feeling good finally?

NOPE. I am NOT walking down that road again.

I’m trying to find pleasure.
I made the kids some cookies tonight since everyone is out at my son’s performance.
I’m listening to some music, and even that isn’t budging my mood.

Just understand, I’m not sad. I’m flat. I’m uneventful. Unmotivational. And I’m trying to get over it.

It is difficult.

I have so much I could be doing. But I’m not. I lack the interest.

My shows come on tv tonight, hopefully they will make me feel better.

It’s funny…. I don’t look sick. But I am so fucking sick on the inside, it’s not even funny.


3 thoughts on “Self Deprecating”

  1. Awful place to be in. Sending you loads of hugs. I hear you on changing meds and gaining weight. And being in such a dark place as to question your diagnosis is just torture. I hope you seem some light soon xx ❤

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