Today is different from yesterday. I napped today, even though I actually slept well last night. I am buzzy yet empty in my head and I don’t want to do anything. I did manage to get some dishes done, but I’m not even cooking dinner tonight. It is a fend for yourself kind of night. Which I just basically screwed myself because now I have to make sure I get my calorie count in, and I don’t want to.
The more and more I think about it, the more and more I perceive this bipolar disorder as a toddler. It is fickle (you never know what your mood is going to be), it is adamant (when you do have a mood it is a FULL ON MOOD), it can be mischievous (mania), it can be a terrible tantrum (depression/agitation), it can be golden (good days). You can be easily distracted or you can give something your full attention if you are interested.
I can’t wait until I start my new dose of meds. I hope I am correct in thinking that a larger dose will fix my problems. I just want so desperately to have the same mood (preferably a good mood) for more than one day stretches at a time. I want to be able to depend on myself. I want others to be able to depend on me.
Perfect example; My husbands company summer family outing is this weekend. He asked me last month if I wanted to go and I had said I had no interest in it. There was just too much to think about; how is my mood going to be, what is the weather going to be like, how is my temperament going to be that day, will I be able to tolerate the kids in a crowded public place (It’s a baseball game by the way). Well, I changed my mind and said that I would go, but I didn’t really want to commit because I didn’t know what to wear or how I would be feeling (really? what kind of bullshit is that? That bullshit is my life-day in and day out). Now that I know the game is in the evening, I’m all excited to go…. kind of. But now I am worrying about rain, as it is supposed to rain here all day Saturday. And why do I want to go to a ball game that is going to get rained out, and waste gas and parking money? A part of me is smacking the other part of me and telling myself to shut the hell up and have a little fun. Have an adventure! And the part of me that is being smacked around is flipping off my other self.
My world is not normal, but at times it can be comical.