Carry on

I think last night was too much for me. We went to a baseball game for my husband’s office’s “summer family outing”. I mostly sat at a table by myself the whole night. I’m not one to mingle and I loathe small talk. And I can’t tell you how many times, people came up to me to ask me if I was “having a good time”. There was close to a hundred people there in a very small area. I honestly was fine, I enjoyed watching my kids have a good time. I don’t have to be in the thick of it to have a good time. It also didn’t help that I forgot to take my anxiety meds before I left. And my anxiety has been a bitch lately…

Today I am drained. I managed to get dishes done and a couple loads of laundry done. Also got some clothes put away that have been sitting in a clothes basket for over a week. But I moved at a snail’s pace. I can’t wait for my Latuda increase to get here. I hope it arrives tomorrow. I am really hoping this increase is the ticket for me. I talked to doc to going up to 60mg. I just need something to stop all of this.

I’m fleshing out a story to write in my mind. And I guess now is a good time to start writing again since my moods seem to be heading south. It keeps my head clear and helps me focus on something else other than being sad.

My mind has been wandering the past few days. I have often thought about an old friend of mine whom I never really understood what her problem was. She never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Yet she would have moments of energy where she would be up for anything. She would always start things and never finish them. She would have these grand ideas, and never follow through. And it has been in the past few days that I realized I have turned into what I never understood and hated. I have turned into her. How is that even possible?

The best thing I can do is hold on. Don’t fall. Keep walking and keep fighting. I know this will pass. It always does. But it also always comes back.

I don’t know why we get “picked” to have this stupid illness. I have been through so much crap in my life to make me strong, I don’t need anything else to make me stronger. Yet, I am still so weak. A conundrum, indeed.

I hope to get some things accomplished tomorrow. The kids’ last day of school is Tuesday. I hope I’m ready for this. I rather enjoyed having quiet days to myself.


6 thoughts on “Carry on”

  1. I can absolutely empathize with how your feel. I know part her “managing” her bipolar disorder is developing a routine. The kids having the summer off disrupts that routine and it takes some time to adjust to a new routine.

    I hope your adjustment period happens quickly!

    1. That is the total truth! Usually just as I get in a good routine with the kids being home, I have to change the routine. Sucks, but it is what it is, right? 🙂

  2. It’s good your doc is agreeable when you discuss meds (Mine’s not.) I hope they arrive soon and help do the trick. I empathize with all you have to do

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