Even after I have been dealing with mental illness for over half my life, it never ceases to amaze me how my moods can change like a flip of a switch.
We had a minor incident here at home tonight. Long story short, my 9 year old left her dinner plate on the counter, never mind that it had a steak on it, and never mind that the dog, in my 9 year old’s words, is a “goat”. Yep, the dog ate the steak, left the veggies and the noodles, and this brought the 9 year old to tears, and had me in a ball of frustration, and got the dog sent to her cage.
In that moment, my mood went to “meh” to something that was very similar to a death metal angst. I felt like I had aluminum foil crumpled up and stuffed in my body. And then I felt a deep sympathy for my daughter, the dog just ate her fucking dinner! Then I went into “mommy mode” and consoled her, told her I was sorry, and tried to assure her that she was NOT a bad girl and NOT stupid because she made a mistake and then we hugged it out, and I let her cry her frustrations out, and I tried to find my “center”.
Then I got pissed again, for what reason I don’t know, that is just where I went next. Craved a drink for a hot minute, and then decided on a cup of coffee. Because tonight we self sabotage! Tonight I (my mind) want to stay up late, I (my mind) want to get more work done around the house, I (my mind) want to binge watch stupid shit on tv. But my body doesn’t want to do any of these things. My body wants to go curl up in my nice, arctic bedroom, under my blankets, and decompress.
Who knows what I am going to feel in the minutes to come. I’m on my 5th cup of coffee for the day, on purpose. What fresh hell is this? Why am I doing this? Because the sickness calls. I have “the itch”, if I could smoke some weed, I would be doing so right, about…..NOW But for now I’m going to drink this LAST cup of coffee, listen to some Death Cab for Cutie to calm my spirit down a few notches, and wait for my angel to get out of her nice, relaxing, decompressing, bath, and then do some laundry.