You are essentially my phone call. My mood is going down hill fast. So much so that I have been thinking of taking a fist full of pills or checking myself into the hospital or calling a suicide hotline. I will probably do none of the above, but it is important to note that I am feeling this way. And it is really upsetting to know that there is no reason behind this. The only thing I can think of is it is “that time” for me. I don’t usually get moody DURING this monthly event, I usually crave food, but my desire to eat is lacking. I usually get super bitchy the week before or a couple of days before… never during.
I want to call my friend, but she is at work. I want to call my mom, but my dad will probably answer. I want to talk to my husband, but he is at work and will be away tonight, as he usually is.
I feel like I am in a hardened shell and I just want to take a hammer and crush it all away.
So, I’m drudging through the motions. I’m pushing all the pain and loneliness aside. I’m trying to be as close to normal as possible. But it is like I am wading through wet cement.
I put on my happy face and I act like everything is fine. I have to. How can I explain to someone WHY I feel so low if I don’t understand it myself?
So, this is my phone call. This is me telling someone I’m hurting, I don’t know why, but I’m going to be ok.
I have to be.