I made it through the night without doing something I would regret. I don’t know how I did it. I’m not going to lie, it was hard but at the same time easy. Hard because there is nothing worse than feeling that “feeling”, it can really be debilitating. Easy because I am so used to sweeping shit under the rug, and that is what you have to do when there is no one to talk to or if you get to the point where you don’t have the strength to talk; sweep it away. I’m not sure that is entirely healthy, but it is what I do.
I am by no means a ray of sunshine today. I’m still in the gloom, the thoughts are still there, but the urge has dissipated.
But this is what it is to live with Bipolar Disorder. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was motivated, kept up on my showers and my housework, and was pleasant to be around. Fast forward and here I am. Pushing the demons away. You would think that by all this pushing I do, that I would have some nice looking arms! Hahaha Maybe my soul has a nice svelte form.
I have a plan if I have the urge again. The clinic I go to has a crisis line, so I am going to call. I did tell my husband last night I wasn’t feeling right in the head when he asked me how my day was last night. He asked if there was anything he could do to make me feel better. I guess in reality that is all he CAN do, ya know? I did appreciate the offer, but was really sad there was really nothing he could do to fix it all.
And why is it when we are in this state, that we don’t want to be a “bother” to anyone. We don’t want to disrupt anyone’s lives or make them feel whatever because of you?
I am just happy that I have this place to write down my feeling and what I am going through. People can relate and understand. And for those of you that reached out to me, THANK YOU! It really means a lot to me.