I don’t know how to start this post. Other than to say having no control in things just absolutely blows.
At a certain time in my marriage, I was the one that made sure the bills got paid. I took over this task, because quite honestly, at the time, my husband wasn’t very good at it, and I got tired of having things shut off. We had money, but he was just either lazy or didn’t want to let go of his / our money to pay bills.
I would pay the bills on time. And everything got paid. And nothing got shut off. But we didn’t have money left over to spend on, at the time, his alcohol. And he would withdraw money without checking to see if payments were going through or not. And we ended up being in a negative balance a few times. But he blamed it on my inefficiency. In essence, my bipolar.
When he took back over the paying of the bills, I had to let go of the peace that I got when I had control over something. I felt like I was doing “something”, “contributing” even, to the relationship. I felt robbed. And this was something that was discussed at length in therapy.
Fast forward to now… my husband still doesn’t pay bills like I do. We have two distinct different ways of doing things, and last night we kind of got into it.
I reminded him to pay our cable/internet bill so we didn’t get shut off. I told him he might have to take some money out of savings and that was fine, just as long as it didn’t get shut off and then we have to pay a reconnect fee. I specifically told him to PAY THE BILL and NOT to set up a payment for Friday (pay day). He told me “Would you let ME worry about things? I know what I need to do dear.”
Guess what he fucking did. He scheduled a payment. So help me, if cable gets shut off tomorrow and we have to pay a reconnect fee, I am going to be livid.
I realize this doesn’t sound “so bad”, and it probably sounds like I am bitching about nothing. But my issue is with the principle of things. This is something that will trigger me into something. Its hard telling which way on the roller coaster I will go.
And then my mood will be blamed on my bipolar, and NOT the fact that he did exactly what I asked him NOT to do.
It is really hard being married and having bipolar. I feel like I’m not allowed to have my own feelings, everything is just because I have bipolar.