I’ve never been a skinnny minnie. The lowest weight I have seen is when I was 120 in my teen years, and even then I had a thick body. Big thighs, big arms. After I started getting older, the weight would just pack on, and even more so when I had kids. My first pregnancy I was 200 lbs when I delivered. (I’m 5’2″ by the way)
As body chemistry is funny, it seemed as though when I was pregnant with my girls I gained the most weight, and when I was pregnant with my boys I lost weight at an alarming rate, so much so that it concerned the doctors.
I’m the kinda person that if I even look at an ice cream sundae, I gain weight. If there is a side affect of weight gain on a medication, I will get it.
My journey with bipolar in relation to weight gain and been horrible. The most horrible weight gaining medication I have been on has been Seroquel. That stuff had me craving carbs and actually sleep eating. Of course I gained a bunch of weight on that. I am happy to say though that I never went past a size 2X or at my heaviest a size 22.
You feel so horrible about being fat. People are constantly telling you to lose weight, you feel like shit about your appearance and about yourself. You feel embarrassed about being out in public or god forbid going to a restaurant. Not to mention most of the clothes for big people are U-G-L-Y!
I exercised, I went to the gym, I tried diets, and they worked a little, but not much. I have to work harder, because my body is against me; I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid works super freaking slow. Between meds, having 5 pregnancies, they thyroid issue, and a sedentary life-style due to depression, the cards have always been stacked against me.
I got to a point in my life where I had to ask myself “Do you want to be easy on the eyes, OR mentally well?” I chose to work on my mental health, and hoped that my body would follow suit.
I had to be comfortable with the fact that I would never be a single digit in the size department ever again. Hell, the last time I was a single digit, I was in 9th grade. But that, I am finally ok with.
With recent changes to my medication, I have been losing weight. My last visit to the Primary Care doctor, back in May, I weighed 236. Weighing in at the Sleep Center a couple of weeks ago, I weighed 222, and I weighed myself today and I am down to 220. The highest weight I can remember is 247 or so, but that was sometime last year.
I will be happy to hit 200. Genuinely happy. Ideally, I would like to weigh about 175. Medically speaking I SHOULD weigh 120, but I know I will never see 120 again in my life. I think it is crazy to have goals that are just too darn high. I think 175 is an achievable goal at this point.
The Latuda has really helped me in the weight loss department. It has decreased my appetite a lot. It has also cut my cravings down. I think a lot of that is I am a huge (no pun intended) emotional eater. And with the current medication I am not so emotional.
A lot of health concerns can pop up due to being over weight; sleep apnea, diabetes, body aches, etc…. When I was at the Sleep Center, the doctor there told me I needed to lose weight. I told him that I WAS. I didn’t get too pissy about it, because he just saw me one time and had no idea that I was losing weight.
I guess what I am saying with all of this, is that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. With mental illness, it is so easy to beat ourselves up when we are not perfect. But, SURPRISE! We are never going to be perfect, even if we got to the point of perfection, we would still find something wrong with ourselves. Take the time to acknowledge your issues; in this specific instance, it’s weight. Decide if you want to do something about it. Even just one small change can be a great help and bring on other changes. Set realistic goals. We are never going to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swim Suit edition, so why put our-self in that mindset?