I need how to learn how to be confrontational. Maybe that is the wrong word. I need to be able to speak my mind to my husband. I find that to be the most challenging thing to do, and I am often left feeling like second best and it breaks my heart, which pisses me off, which puts me in a bad mood.
For instance, yesterday my truck battery died. So, I texted my husband to let him know that we would need to get a new truck battery when he gets home. His response : “OK”
So great, I’m thinking we are getting a new battery and life will be good again.
He gets home and decides he wants to CHARGE the battery. *sigh* I become passive aggressive about it but let him do it. The battery charges and he says “Now we wait and see how long it holds the charge.”
Look, I am all fine with charging the battery to “get us through” until we have the money to get a battery. However, we currently DO have the money for a new battery. I have kids with me all day, I have places to go, and it is summer, which means it is HOT outside, and my anxiety is consumed with being stuck somewhere because he was too fucking lazy or cheap to buy me a new fucking battery. Friday is going to be a trip. Friday is grocery day, and will be the hottest day this week, with heat indices in the triple digits. My son also gets his senior pictures done that day. Here is how I see things playing out: IF the truck starts, I will end up getting stuck at the grocery store, with hundreds of dollars of groceries getting ruined in the car while I wait for my husband to come rescue me. OR The truck won’t start at all, and I won’t be able to go to the grocery store, and I NEED to go, because we are out of food.
It is like my husband can’t understand that my life/moods would be so much easier to deal with when things can be avoided. And it makes me feel like I am not important enough when he doesn’t care for my needs.
This is really nothing new. It is something that I have been living with for a long time. There was even a point in time where I went off of my meds and stopped therapy because I was such a financial burden. But then I flipped my lid and now my husband understands that I NEED my medication and just taking vitamins is NOT going to take care of my mental instability.
The problem when I say something, is that I end up getting heated and I come across as being combative. I don’t mean to be, and it is not my intention, but it is just what happens. My emotions take hold and I just let loose and yell and scream and see red.
I am trying to be understanding. I’ve been doing some reading on functional alcoholics. I understand that he has a flaw, and there is a reason behind some of the things he does. And lately I have been consumed about when the final ball is going to drop. Everything I’ve read has said that functional alcoholics don’t wake up until they have hit rock bottom. So now I am anticipating when that will be.
I can barely cope with having bipolar. I’m still learning how to deal with the daily changes and how to avoid triggers. But anxiety is a HUGE trigger, so I have to learn how to avoid situations that will bring on the anxiety. I don’t have room for another person’s crazy in my life, but I have to make room for it. I just wish I knew how to calmly talk to my husband and tell him how I am feeling without ending up in a fight or pissing him off.