This weekend sucked. Marital troubles. Tonight I am going to open a dialogue, not sure how that is going to go. He slept out on the couch TWICE this weekend; Friday, because he had to buy a battery for my truck, so therefor he couldn’t get his PS4 that I said he could. And Last night, because I didn’t want to have sex.
We are both dealing with things that we don’t want to. Him with my mental illness and everything that comes along with that. And me with his drinking; he is now chasing his whiskey with wine. I feel like I’m not strong enough to handle this, but I am going to give it the good ‘ol college try.
I have to be prepared that things may get ugly. I want to avoid that as much as possible. However, I don’t want to sweep things under the rug and let things fester until I get super pissed one day, and just rattling off a laundry list of things that have been upsetting me. Timing is everything. I have to approach this discussion sometime between the moment he walks in the door from work and sometimes before he starts drinking. That doesn’t give me a very big window.
At one time, he was dealing well with my low sexual desire. Now he seems to be taking it personally. And it is nothing personal, it is all med related. Side effects from meds are great. Not only does the Latuda decrease my libido, but it can also cause NO ORGASM. I guess I need to refresh his memory. It really hurt my feelings last night that he slept on the couch. I know part of it was the alcohol, but to me, it doesn’t make a difference.
I have to think about this all day. About how I am going to approach this, and use the right words and inflection in my voice. Internally I want to be sarcastic as hell. But that isn’t going to get me anywhere. I have to be caring and vigilant. Even though I’m the one that has been hurt. I’m taking the responsibility to take a hold of what is going on and fix things. And I feel like that shouldn’t be my job. But I’m making it my job so I just gotta deal with it.
I have made the decision again to start therapy. I am going to talk to my pdoc about it when I see her next. I need tools to improve my thought process, my feelings, and life skills. I feel like I have forgotten how to deal with this illness. I do the best I can, but I think it is time for a refresher course.