Conclusions and facing them

I made the conclusion yesterday after my shift at the cafeteria, that this job is not for me. It has been a great experience, and the ladies whom I have been working with are great. But ever since working I have been in constant pain and this feeds the bipolar and suicidal thoughts.

When you fancy getting in a car wreck so you don’t have to go into your job, well, that job might not be for you. When you would rather be getting teeth pulled, well, then that job might not be for you.

I have to do what is right for ME and MY MIND and body. And no one that I talked to yesterday about this, seemed to understand my position.

I called my mom to talk to her about it, and of course she put me on speaker phone so my dad had to hear everything, which was just wrong. All in all they made me feel like a pussy and it was such a horrible thing that I wanted to quit (even though I am signed up to ALSO be an aide, that I have been getting calls for everyday, but can’t accept the jobs because I have been working at the high school). I was told everyone has bad days at work, and it is going to take me some time to get back to the grind since I haven’t had a job in so long. I took all that into consideration. But this is so much more than a bad day. This is poison seeping into my mind.

“But this job made you so happy, I don’t understand what went wrong!” my dad said.

Fuck me. NEVER did I say I liked the job. I said I liked how the job made me feel. I said I liked the ladies that I worked with. If I liked the job THAT much, I would find a way to tough it out and roll with the punches.

So, I thought about everything my parents said. Still unmoved by their words, I decided to talk it over with my husband last night. SURELY he would understand.

ERNT! Wrong answer. I asked him if he would be too disappointed if I quit the cafeteria job and just stayed with the aide work. And with the roll of the eyes and a turn of the neck he said…”You do what you wanna do.” Then he walked out to the kitchen and said “If it is too difficult for you, I understand.” You know how someone’s tone of their voice can just give you all the answer you need? Well his tone let me know he DID have a problem with it and he WILL be disappointed.

What is wrong with this situation? It is not like I don’t have another fucking job! I guess my sanity means nothing to anyone. I guess it is ok with everyone with the turmoil that my mind goes through every. single. day. I guess I should just let it all hang out and let everyone know how I am feeling at every moment of the day. I guess sparing them from my emotions and thoughts is just hurting me in the end. I need to share that shit! Sprinkle it around like fairy dust!

Pardon me, I let my anger get in the way of my post. But I’m really frustrated and I don’t know how to handle it, other than keeping it bottled inside, saving it up for when I see my pdoc in OCTOBER.

They did ask me yesterday if I could work today, and I did say no. But then she asked me about Thursday and I said yes. I did sent an email to the personnel secretary and asked about who I needed to talk to about resigning from my cafeteria sub position. I am waiting to hear back from her. I plan on my last day to be Thursday. I mean, I DID tell her that I would be there Thursday, and I have already left them in a lurch by not being there today. Besides, I forgot to sign my time card.

Seriously though, you, my readers, are the only ones I can be “real” with. I unclothe my soul to you because I know you understand and will not think of me differently. I can’t do that with my family. How sad is that? So I’m serious when I say I need to sprinkle that shit around like fairy dust. Maybe if I am “real” and uninhibited about my emotions, and just let it all hang out, people will have a greater understanding of where I am coming from? I dunno….

So today I am fighting with the “feeling like a failure” and “fuck them if they don’t understand” thoughts. Cutting sounds really good, but I will refrain. I have to figure out how to keep all of these negative emotions in check and keep them from boiling over. Wish me luck.


4 thoughts on “Conclusions and facing them”

  1. My parents can be like this too. They’re genuinely trying to help and be supportive, but they go about it all in the wrong way because they have no idea what being bipolar or seriously mentally unwell feels like. So instead of reassuring me that I need to do what is right for me, I get told wonderful advice like ‘sometimes you need to push yourself’ and, even though I haven’t been well enough to work in 8 years, that getting a job would be great because ‘it will add more strings to my bow’. Ugh.Thankfully my partner’s incredible.

    You need to do what’s right for you. If something is making your mental illness worse, it needs to be avoided, especially when it’s causing suicidal thoughts. Just the same as if anybody else had a medical condition and a job was making it unbearable – they’d stop.

    1. My mom was more understanding today. I guess yesterday she didn’t understand that part of my issue was mentally. Now she understands that.

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