Showing Up For Life

The other day I posted a graphic that said some words about having bruises and collecting scars. I’ve been reflecting on that for the past couple of days.

I have showed up for life, if you apply the words of the graphic. I have had many bruises and I have many scars. But to be fair, I have also given those things too. Not on purpose, and not through any intentional fault of my own. But rather in my moments of cloudiness. When I’m not right in my head. And I think by giving bruises and scars, that in turn gives me more. I always feel guilt after I have hurt someone. There are things that I have done in my younger years that I have tried to atone for, but have not been met with kindness. And I still carry that with me and I don’t know if I will ever let go of it.

There is something to be said of letting “baggage” go. But sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we don’t want to. Sometimes we feel that if we do, we might lose something.

For the baggage I simply can’t let go of, I keep it around because I want to try and remember not to do whatever it is again. Yes I slip up. No, I’m not perfect. But I continuously strive for perfection. And when I reach perfection, it still isn’t “perfect enough”.

I am my own worst critic. I am my own worst abuser. I am my own worst enemy. Always have been. And I am afraid that it is to ingrained in me that I can’t change any of it.

It is always easier to give advice than to take it. And I can give advice all day long from experiences that I have been through. But I never listen to my own advice. I wonder why this is? I mean I seriously want to know. Does anyone have an idea? Because I would love some insight on this.

You are supposed to allow people to treat you the way you treat yourself. Well what a bloody mess it is when you treat yourself like crap. And then you wonder why no one fights for you. Well, it is probably because you wouldn’t fight for yourself.

Just a thought I’ve had. Perhaps the bleach fumes got the better of me today. I’m not depressed today, but I am introspective and curious and calm. Just waiting for night to come so I can go to sleep.

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