I am a Penny Dreadful fan. The main character, Vanessa Ives, is also called “little scorpion”. Today I’m feeling like Vanessa. My inner demons are rising and trying to take hold of me, but I’m fighting them back with everything I can.
I reached out to my mom, but she wasn’t home when I called (of course, whenever I need a voice, no one is there). So I have been cleaning and listening to music. But I can’t do this all night… I can’t even focus to cook dinner. I think tonight will be the night I call the crisis line. After the kids go to bed though. And even my thoughts are botching that…
“You’re not in “CRISIS”.
But I’m close. I’m walking the line and dancing the dance. I’m not suicidal, but the self loathing is getting to me and the ideas of suicide have presented themselves.
“They are going to commit you” — and then I think about how this can’t happen because I’m the only one here with my kids. And I’n not doing anything to be committed for.
Is it possible that as you get older, the depression get’s worse? Maybe I just have too much going on. But I don’t.
It [my mind] has been unrealistically calm while husband has been gone. I think because he is not here to annoy me with the drinking and the slothing around. But I miss him. And the hours between 4-8 are the most difficult for me to get through. I feel SO MUCH relief once it is 8p.m. I have no idea what this is all about other than it is closer to bed time. And when I can get to bed the voices stop until the next day. No, I’m not literally hearing voices, no psychosis here….. just the thoughts and self loathing talk.
I didn’t go to work today and I should have. But I couldn’t. And I beat myself up for that.
I just need to stop all of this nonsense.