So many questions, so little answers

As I was sorting laundry and getting everything ready to do some wash, I am thinking to myself…

“What does normal feel like? What does a normal person feel like every day when they get up in the morning and get ready to start their day? Are they overcome with their tasks that they have set out for the day? Do they have a zest for life? Are they excited about what the day is going to bring?”

I realized that for far too long, I’ve never been a person that gets excited or shows emotion. Unless I am mad. My mom would be disappointed on gift giving times of the year, because I never got “excited”. I’ve always been more of a “go with the flow” kind of person. Very laid back. And in a way, I think it is easier for depression to settle in and get cozy.

One day I want to wake up, and be excited about SOMETHING! Anything. I’m tired of being stagnant. For the most part, I have a good life. I don’t really have anything to complain about, except my inability to function most days.

I haven’t had a “good” day in a long time. And by good, I mean something that leaves me feeling happy about something on the inside. Something that will crack a smile on my face. My days are not one bad day after another… They are mostly grey…. Flat I guess you could say.

I guess this was all an epiphany of sorts. I realized that I need to find a way to get happy. But it is so hard to be happy when you can’t find it.


3 thoughts on “So many questions, so little answers”

    1. True. I guess I should have clarified what I meant. With bipolar you have to constantly keep your moods in check. You have to be aware of every moment of every mood, because it could either go north (mania) or south (depression). You get into the habit of questioning every mood/feeling. There is no just going with the flow. It is exhausting to say the least. I just wonder what it is like to *not* have to live that way. I guess that is what I meant.

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