Yesterday I felt something, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. I felt nothing, but I could distinguish that I felt “off”. I feel very much the same way today, and I think I can best describe what I feel as being flat.
It has been difficult to go about my day. I’m still working on it. But the self deprecating talk in my head has begun. I’m pretty sure only because I have not accomplished anything today. I also went through 78 pages on a job site today and found NOTHING. Which makes me feel bad about myself, because while I am qualified for many things, I’m not qualified for anything that was listed. Which in turn makes me feel like a loser. Then I stop and try to find good things about myself to try and get out of that mind set, and I draw a blank. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I need to call my mom, but I am not in a talkative mood. She called me yesterday at 2 because I hadn’t called her yet and she wanted to make sure I was ok. I told her I was feeling off, but I was ok. And of course, she jumps to “Your not going to do anything stupid are you?” -Sigh- THAT is exactly why I don’t want to tell people in my life about when I’m having suicidal thoughts. Because now, all eyes are on me and if I’m not in a good place, I certainly MUST be having those kinds of thoughts.
I saw a graphic today on facebook. I should have grabbed it and posted it here, because I could totally relate to it. I’m sure a lot of you could too. It was a picture of a girl, and in pretty script it said “I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to go away.”
The plans for this evening are as follows: make dinner, call my mother (and make small talk), maybe wash some jackets and hang dry them. Text my husband before I go to bed to see if he is available for conversation; last night he was with his co-workers watching the game at Buffalo Wild Wings, so we didn’t get to talk.
I’m really tired of having “bad” days. And in this context, bad just means not good. Because I’m not feeling BAD, I’m just feeling flat. And it just seems that I can’t find a happy medium, and when I do, it never lasts.