Routine can be a great thing for me. It keeps me on task for the most part and it prevents over-thinking and causing an episode of mania or depression. But sometimes routine can end up being just going through the motions. This is something that I am going through right now. Trying to distinguish between the two and how to not let me routine become just motions.
The past couple of days I have wondered if I am ever going to feel happiness. Like, actually wake up in the morning and feel happy to be alive, happy with my life, and feel some sort of joy. I haven’t felt joy in so long, I fear that I will get too excited when it happens and go into a bout of hypo-mania. But that thought is what got me thinking about routine vs. motions.
My days are always the same. I wake up at 6 a.m., make sure the kids are up getting ready for school. Have some coffee, check facebook, and watch the morning news. Take the dog out, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher and run it if it is full. Take meds. Get dressed. Think about what I can do for the day. Watch Live with Kelly, then Dr. Phil, and then usually go in the bedroom and lay down, because by this point I am utterly bored. Get upset because I can’t go to sleep. Call my parents. Maybe eat lunch if I’m hungry. Make a pot of coffee for my oldest son for when he gets home from school. Kids come home and then shortly after I start dinner. Eat dinner, and then do homework with the kids. If it is a TV night I watch my shows, take meds and go to bed. If it’s not a tv night, I go to bed early because I’m so over the day.
That is my routine. EVERY DAY. Every other Friday I go to the grocery store in the morning. And every 3 months I have a doc appointment in there somewhere. But for the most part, that is my life. I get no joy out of it. So I think about what to do to make it more joyful, and I draw a blank.
I found my yarn last night, and my crochet needle, and thought about starting to crochet just to give me something to do and see if that makes me feel anything. I can’t crochet anything fancy, I only know one stitch, and I have never finished a project. But it would keep my mind occupied. Of course I have my coloring books which I turn to every now and then. And my beads. But the main problem is that I have no desire to do anything. It is almost like I am comfortable in my routine, even though I’m not entirely happy with it.
After the addition of the Wellbutrin to my cocktail, I have certainly had a decrease in noticeable depression. And by noticeable, I mean the sadness and the suicidal thoughts. But the joy hasn’t returned. The happiness hasn’t returned. And I don’t know how to fix that. Am I doomed? Or do I need to let these pills work a little longer?
I see my pdoc in a couple weeks for her to check and see how the Wellbutrin is going. I think she will be pleased in some aspects, but I think she will be frustrated in other aspects. I always frustrate her. Not in a bad way, like she gets pissed off. But she gets stuck on how to help, because I am not typical. I am not looking forward to my appointment because of that.
I need to find things to add to my routine that bring me joy. I keep looking for things when I get tired of going through the motions, but nothing fills that void. I feel half alive. I want to laugh uncontrollably, until my side aches and my face hurts from smiling so much. I miss that. But I am happy the sadness has gone, even though frustration has filled its place.