You ever do something stupid, and you know it’s stupid, and that you shouldn’t be doing it, but you do it anyway? Yeah, I did that last night. If I honestly think about it, I do it a lot. I don’t understand why. I mean if I know its stupid and I shouldn’t be doing it, why the hell do I do it?
Last night I stalked my first husbands Facebook page. At one time he had me blocked (and his wife too!) because apparently I’m just too crazy. I looked through his pictures and wondered what life would have been like if we had stayed together. I wondered if I would have had kids with him, and live in his nice house, and traveled all over the world with him like he had been doing with his family.
Now, why did I do this? I have no fucking idea. It has been 20 some years since we have been divorced. I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but I do hold some guilt about how things ended and how fucked up I was during our time together. See, I had not yet been diagnosed bipolar, only with depression. But looking back on things, I was TOTALLY bipolar. I just want to reach out to him and tell him there was a reason why I acted the way that I did. I was sick. I’m not really a horrible person. I’m not really crazy. And I want to apologize for everything bad I did wrong.
Of course, looking through all his pictures and thinking all of these things, really kind of depressed me. So I was in a funk last night and went to bed early.
I just wish I knew why I did stupid things. I get no pleasure from doing them, but I continue to do them.