I have to wonder if when I am in my right mind, I am REALLY in my right mind. Lately I have had tremendous guilt for spending money. And I’m not spending frivolously, I’m just doing holiday shopping on a budget. During the year, my husband participates in a holiday savings plan at work. At the end of the year we have a grand for holiday shopping. Now, that might sound like a lot of money to some of you, but that money gets split between my 4 kids, my parents, my in laws, and my sister in laws family. I don’t buy my sisters family anything, sometimes I don’t even get her a birthday present (Her birthday is in December). I don’t think that is fair at all, and that adds to the guilt. But it is ok with my sister, because she doesn’t get anything for us. 99% of the time my husband and I don’t get gifts for each other. I usually get him a gift, but he doesn’t get me anything. Everyone has been purchased for except for my father in law and my oldest son. As the kids get older, their gifts are more expensive. And I have tremendous guilt that I can’t make go away. I KNOW I have nothing to feel guilty about. But I do. And I don’t know how to get over that.
I’m also having problems with racing thoughts when I’m in my right mind. It is like my mind is better; no depression, no suicidal thoughts, I have motivation and am able to function. But if I moved as much as my thoughts moved, I would be one skinny bitch!
I don’t know how to slow those down either. I’m not manic, but the thoughts are stuck on rapid fire some days. Not enough to be non functioning, but enough to be annoyed by it.
I don’t know if I ever will know what being in my right mind will feel like totally. Maybe I just need to get used to things the way they are, maybe this is my norm.