Which way is up

The past few days have been good mood wise. I’ve had a couple of bumps of odd feelings, but nothing severe. And then I wake up today and am greeted by mild depression. This is not how I want my year to end.

I guess if I sit and think about it, I haven’t been completely stable. I have kind of been off and on the grid with hypomania and irritability. The irritability is hard to pinpoint which way I’m going, because with both ways, I experience irritability. So when I’m feeling irritable, I kind of just take notice of it and take hold of what is to come. Usually a nap can kill it. But speaking of sleep, I’ve been waking up the past 5 nights. Last night I took an extra sleeping pill when I woke up at 3 a.m.

I have also been eating too much lately. My body feels horrible. I was starting to feel human with my weight loss of I have been experiencing. My clothes stopped fitting me, and that has been a good feeling because they have been falling off of me. Now I just feel super duper fat. I want to start working out again on my treadmill and weight bench down in the basement. I have an appointment in a week or so with my sleep doctor, and I know he is going to harp on me about losing weight. Totally irritating, but I know he is just doing his job.

===more thoughts====

I am going to try really hard to take more work assignments with the school district. And if they start at 8, then I guess my husband is just going to have to make sure the kids catch the bus. I really want the dog walking jobs to start coming in. I really think that would be a great job for me. I looked into getting bonded and insured and it is going to cost me $300, which I don’t have right now. But I would really like to get bonded and insured, as I think that could possibly get me more/some clients. And I keep talking myself into what a great job opportunity I have working with the school district; I can pick when I work, which means I don’t have to worry about missing or rescheduling dr. appointments. I’m off when the kids are off. I don’t have to work during the summer (which also means I don’t get paid though), and the work is easy — spending time with kids. I just don’t know what my problem is. I mean aside from not having assignments that I can do, due to the hours conflicting with bus times.

Over the holidays, my husband made a remark, well a few remarks that kind of got me feeling down. The first remark was that it must be so hard staying at home all the time, I must really have it rough. I know it seems that way, but it is so far from the truth. I just can’t make him understand. I guess it is one of those things that you never really understand unless you go through it. The other remark he made was about my sleep mask and how it makes me look like a pig. That comment really kind of hurt me. I can’t help that I need a machine to sleep at night. It is a sensitive subject for me, as it has really changed my night time routine. It is hard to cuddle when you have a mask on your face and connected to a machine. And I like cuddling with my husband when we are in bed. So when he told me I looked like a pig, it just kind of really started to make me feel self conscious about wearing the mask now.

I guess there was really no rhyme or reason to this post, other than that I’m feeling kind of down today and I hope it doesn’t get worse, but…. I gotta keep my eye on it. This shit is exhausting.

1 thought on “Which way is up”

  1. iggie, the comment your husband made about you looking like a pig was not cool. very hurtful and it angers me that he said that to you. you cant help it if you have sleep apnia. that is out of your control. sending you much love and lots of hugs. xxxx

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