I ran across this photo this morning, and started reminiscing. As per the usual, the track of thinking went from narrow to askew, and I started thinking about me then vs. now.
The photo was taken back when I was working the horror convention circuit. I really miss those days. Those days made me feel needed and important.
While at an after party, this guy I am photographed with, Ted, grabbed my attention while he was at a table with a bunch of his friends. He asked me if I was a mother, and I replied with a yes. Then he told me I was a total M.I.L.F. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. While most girls would think this is creepy, gross, and crass, I found this to be a compliment. At first I thought he was just drunk. After all, who would find me that attractive. I was a bit excited that this compliment was given to me, but in the same token, I kind of just sloughed it off as drunk talk.
The next day, Ted would seek me out and just kiss me. In the middle of a crowed, in a curtained area, just out of the blue, come up to me and plant one on me. I found this to be quite exciting and also naughty. I had a full weekend of this kind of relationship with Ted. I didn’t mind at all. I found him to be quite attractive.
This all happened at the very beginning of my diagnosis. I was medicated, but I was not stable. Everyone wants to feel liked, loved, adored, wanted. And I’m no different. But I have a problem with these feelings going full blown. While most people have a normal need/want/desire of these things, I seem to revel in them, like a pig rolls around in mud on a hot summer’s day. And at the moment when someone pays attention to me, I take full advantage of it.
I would like to say that I have changed. But I don’t know if I have. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I always seem to over-step that line, often times feeling super guilty about what I have done or thought. I think for some reason I just feel this deep desire to feel wanted/needed/desired. And if I am not currently getting those feelings, I seek them out elsewhere.
I don’t go out much these days. I don’t have a job that allows me to travel and meet new people anymore. I like it that way, but sometimes I miss it. I like it that way because it keeps temptation at bay. I miss it because I miss the excitement and feelings that I would get.
I’ve always kind of been “that girl”. People have always looked the other way or found nothing wrong if I did the wrong things. There was always an explanation behind it that others have created for me. And I guess through the years I have never really found anything wrong with what I have done, because after all, other people where making excuses for me. It is purely selfish on my part. And I can be quite selfish. I wish more people would have called me out on my naughty doings. I probably wouldn’t have let it become a comfortable feeling for me.
I don’t know whatever happened to Ted. We never exchanged contact information or kept in touch. It was just a weekend fling that did not involve sex.