Hiding

hiding

photocredit: Bjorn Normann Jr.

Hiding. It is something that most of us do. Hiding our feelings, hiding our true-self from others, sometimes even hiding our physical selves from others. If you have ever been to therapy, a lesson you have probably learned is that hiding is not healthy. So why do we do it?

We have this need to shield others from us. We don’t want anyone to be subject to how we are feeling. We shove it far far down so no one can see it. We stay away from public places because maybe we don’t trust ourselves to act appropriately. Maybe we don’t want to bring anyone down. It all depends on where we currently are on the spectrum. But if we are having a high; we don’t mind showing that off. We become the life of the party, we act wild and carefree.

I think it is unfair of us to shield everyone off from us. But I do it. And there is only one person in this world who can tell when I am hiding… my best friend. Not my parents, not my husband, not my kids… Just my best friend, and I don’t even see her all that often.

I try not to hide, but it is like second nature to shove it all down, to put a proverbial cloak around me so no one can see me when I am weak or hurting. I’m saving you all from feeling it with me. I am sparing you the pain and despair. And when I am manic, people just think I am in a good mood.

This year, I am going to try not to hide. Some people may not even notice, or just ignore it all and hope it goes away. This will probably bother me and make me feel worse. But what is more important? Being my true-self? Or hiding who I am because of politeness?

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