I’ve been off and on in my head lately. I am easily bored and unmotivated to change that. The reason why I am unmotivated to do that is because every chance I get to change that, I am overcome with horrible anxiety.
So, today I changed that. It took me 3 hours to force myself to do it, but I accepted a job assignment for Thursday. As I clicked on the ‘accept’ button, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was shaking. I kept telling myself “It’s only for 3 1/2 hours”, “It’s an easy job, you get to spend time with special needs kids, which you enjoy”, “You need to get your ass in gear and start accepting assignments that you can take, because we could really use the money.”, “Tons of people would like to have your job, you can pick and choose for the most part when you want to work. You are off holidays and summers, granted without pay, but still!”
So I’m working Thursday.
I have no idea what my problem is, and why I am having so much anxiety over this, but I am. And I don’t know how to get past it, besides making myself go through some good old immersion therapy! And it is so. fucking. hard.
:head on desk:
I wonder if I should start taking my extra anxiety meds on top of what I already take and see if that changes how I feel. I don’t know. I just don’t know.