This week, I have been living in a bubble. I have done nothing constructive. I’ve taken a vacation and am just “being”. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Yes, yes I do. I have that part of me that is degrading me for my choice. I’m a loser for not doing anything. I’m a waste. A leech. I should be doing something because it is not fair for me to be doing nothing and my husband to be busting his ass at work every day.
But another part of me doesn’t care. I’m enjoying not doing anything, but not in a happy way, more in a healing way. Nothing has fallen apart, nothing is in dire need of being done. The children are not being neglected. Dishes are getting done and people are being fed.
But it makes me question why I felt the need for this to happen. I think it was a mental choice that I had no decision in the matter. It wasn’t a conscious thought to not do anything. It just happened. Which leads me to believe I must have needed it for some reason.
I want to try and be constructive today. I have my sights on cleaning my daughters room and getting some laundry done. Not much, just a load or two. I don’t know if I will get either done. But I do know I’ve got to come back down to reality by tomorrow. Tomorrow is payday, which means grocery day. And I have a lot of things to pay for tomorrow that is giving me anxiety already. I have to put money on lunch accounts, I have to pay for Senior Pictures, I have to make a payment for the AP tests my son needs to take, cable is due as is car insurance.
I wish I could contribute more financially to our household. I have to come to peace with not being able to work as much as I did when I was younger. My mind just can’t do it. But that is a worry for another day.
Be kind to yourselves. and have a good day.