Rock and a hard place

I’m hoping some of you level headed people can help me out here. I need some advice.

I often think about my first husband and how sorry I am for the way our marriage ended. I feel like I need to send him an email expressing my apologies to him. It is kind of like how alcoholics need to make amends to people who they have done wrong. That is how I feel. The problem is, his wife hates me. I could really give two fucks about whether she likes me or not, but I don’t want to cause friction or even her intercepting the message. I don’t even know if I should reach out and apologize. Or if writing him a letter and then throwing it away or burning it will do the trick to get this monkey off my back.

At the time we were married, I was quite literally out of my mind. We got married when I was 19, we were high school sweethearts and he enlisted into the Navy as an air traffic controlman. We moved quite literally all the way across the states. We lived in California and were stationed to Maine. I was only being treated for depression at the time (I hadn’t been diagnosed with BP yet), his mom ended up sending his youngest sister out for us to take care of because she couldn’t handle her anymore. And honestly I think that started the ball rolling. Between my mental illness and a drug addict (her), I ended up in a lot of trouble and when I had dug myself a huge hole that I couldn’t get out of anymore, I just told him that we should get divorced. That is the long and short of it.

I have a lot of regret. And I am sorry for a lot of things, and I want to express this, because this is like a monkey on my back.

In the past I have talked with his mom with no problem, and his middle sister whom I was close to with no problem, and even him at one point with no problem, until his wife saw emails and told me to fuck off.

I just don’t know what to do. I need to purge this and I’m not sure how to go about it. Or if I even should. It has been over 20 years, I’m sure he has let it go and probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. And it is not that I am still in love with him, I just want to apologize for the pain I caused and for the fuck up I was.

Suggestions? Should I approach him or should I write a letter and then get rid of it?

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7 thoughts on “Rock and a hard place”

  1. Do you think if you write the letter and burned it that would be enough? Are you wanting an acknowledgment from him? I’m not talking relationship just maybe I read it thanks kind of thing or you ok with just purging it from your mind

    1. I am not sure if it would be enough. Acknowledgement would be nice. But I am in desperate need to purge this from my mind. It is a very hard decision. I’ve tried through the years to let it go, but I keep having dreams about him, which is telling me that this is really weighing heavy on my mind.

  2. What happened in the past needs to stay in the past.

    While you may not care about what his wife feels, you should consider how he would feel if your communicating with him upsets his current relationship. Is purging your “demons” worth potentially creating additional issues in his life? How would that be an apology in any way?

    In the end I think it would be healthier for you to figure out how to do this without him.

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