I’m in the middle of a big mind phuck right now. And I can’t help to think that perhaps this depression and anger has been triggered by the current pain I am in. For the past 3 days my mouth has been in excruciating pain. I believe I have a couple cavities that need to be taken care of. I had to run up to the pharmacy yesterday and get some more oral pain relief because I used up all of my orajel. I told my husband that I need to call the dentist on Friday, and you could just see the dollar signs pop up in his mind. No “Oh man, I’m sorry you are in pain” just… “ok” Which I think started this whole episode now that I have had some time to think about how the spider-web has been made.
See, I start off by feeling like I am such a burden. I cost my husband so much money. I feel completely horrible about it. I mean It really brings me down. Between all my meds and doctor visits between my various ailments, I cost a fortune. All because I’m damaged. I’m damaged when I get into these moods. When I’m up I like to think I’m unique… when I’m down? I’m damaged. And then it goes to worthless, because I don’t have a job that is frequent enough to make a difference in our financial status. Which then sends me looking on all my job boards, only to see that I am not qualified for one reason or another for anything listed; be it a position that would require me to stand on my feet for long periods of time, or requires heavy lifting, or the hours are not what I can do because I still have to be responsible for getting my 10 year old to school. Then this makes the worthlessness feeling even stronger. Which then turns into I don’t deserve to be here, everyone would be better off without me, which then turns into thinking of ways I can die. Which then goes to me thinking that I can’t do that because I can’t let me kids find me like that — that would do irreversible damage to them.
See? Mind Phuck. And there is not a damn thing I can do about it because this is how my mind works. At least I am able to follow the train of thought and understand WHY I am feeling this way. And all because of a cavity and an unwanted response from my husband.It is exhausting to say the least.
So, now what do I do about it. I have no damn idea. I guess I go back to stuffing the feelings down. I guess I try and find something to keep me busy to ignore all of the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind that are trying to bring me down.
I hate bipolar. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life this way. The only thing I can do is deal with it the best way I can. I guess practice makes perfect. One can only hope. It is going to be a long friggen day.