The normal conversation when my husband gets home:
Me: How was your day?
Him: Good, how was yours?
Me: productive or not so productive.
Tonight I answered with “I’m on a coaster and I want to get off.” He looked at me puzzled. So I had to explain that for the past three days I was not in a good place, but today I’m having racing thoughts and fidgety and can’t stay still. He then responded with “What did I do to cause this?”
This is why I keep everything bottled up. Because he thinks he is the cause of my moods. I told him that it wasn’t him, it was just how my world is and apparently the meds aren’t working well enough. “Well if there is something wrong, I am usually the cause.” *sigh* Again, I told him it wasn’t him. It was me.
I have enough trouble keeping me level. Now I have to reassure him that he has done nothing wrong?
I’m not sure if I should think there is something wrong with him to make him feel this way or if after all these years, and the one book he read about bipolar when I first got diagnosed, he still has no clue what I go through. I don’t know how to fix this. Maybe “fix” is the wrong word. I don’t know how to react to this. It just makes me mad at myself for even saying anything because now he thinks he did something wrong, when he didn’t.
Is it too much to want to be able to be open about what I am going through? Apparently so. Back to stuffing it all down.