Morning Thoughts (AKA-Going Down)

This is the thing with bipolar, even if you are medicated, even if you think you might be stable, you’re not. Moods can change with the drop of a hat. At the beginning of the weekend, I was on an upswing. I was having issues with sleep and generally happy with my life. Almost too happy as opposed to my “norm”. Wanting to ‘shop til I drop’. This morning things are not the same. This morning, thoughts are all about what a loser I am. How I can’t follow through with anything. How I need to get my shit together to be something better. Because just being is not an option. I need to be bigger and better. I need to be wanted by everyone. How I’m not wanted enough.

This is called the downswing. These are the things I let get out of control. I can’t seem to get a hold of these things like I can with the mania. When I start going down, it just freefalls until I’m about 2 inches from the floor of the cavern.

It actually all started yesterday. Yesterday afternoon to be precise. Nothing triggered it. I just switched from being fine to being too mellow. Wanting to sleep or binge watch something… I couldn’t find anything to watch; nothing tickled my fancy. And I couldn’t sleep, but I tried very hard for a good hour.

So, I’ve recognized which way I am heading. Now the fun part is to try and stop it all. Don’t let them fool you; no amount of mindfulness or stop thinking can make this go away. Mind-fucking yourself is not the answer. I don’t care what they say. There has to be a better way. Maybe a walk out in the cold will help? I’ll give it a try. But it is cold. Currently 37 so I’ll have to bundle up if I attempt this.

The fact of the matter is, I will probably sit here and feel sorry for myself and throw a pity party. That is just how these things end.

I will try to fight this though. Before it gets worse and I’m free-falling into the dark abyss.

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