At A Cross Roads

The past couple of days I have been thinking about my sexuality. Now, I do have past experience with being with a woman, so it is not that I am “curious” at this point. I have had this urge the past couple of days about being with a woman. Which spidered into a whole thought process.

Mania Ahead?

Looking for something?

What are you missing?

What do you need?

Are you happy?

 

These are things I ask myself. And then, how in the heck do I put myself out there to look for someone? “Yes, I’m married, but interested in being in a relationship with a woman, how do you feel about that?” I mean, is that even an option on a dating site? And do I go to a dating site or do I just keep my eye out for when I am out and about? Or… do I not just do anything? And then what if I find out that I am happier being with a woman than a man?

Epiphany

From time to time I have epiphanys, and I’ve had one today.

I realized that I thrive around people. When I am home alone I feel lost and have no desire to do anything. But when the kids and the hubby get home, I have the will and energy to do the things that I couldn’t get done during the day.

This is all kind of odd, because I hate being around people.

Check Yourself

It is extremely annoying and bothersome that any time my mood changes or I have a feeling I have to check myself.

“Are you going into mania/depression?”

“Better keep an eye on it in case there are changes soon.”

“Is this a bipolar thing or a normal thing?”

“Am I being too sensitive to that?”

“Did I just come across as a bitch?”

 

That is the conversation I have with myself on a daily basis. At least once if not more. That is exhausting to do this every time I feel a shift. One could say “let it go”, but you can’t. It is almost an automatic response. My brain just kicks into that mode.

The past few days I have been more productive than usual. Nothing too crazy. I’ve managed to stick to being able to do one thing a day. But this morning when I was thinking about my plans for today, I realized I had none. Then I quickly panicked about what I was going to do now because I didn’t want to be bored.

I checked the DVR. Nothing to watch. I ran over in my mind about things I could do today. I decided to clean my room. I haven’t started yet. Probably start it around noon. Tonight is the night all my shows are on. However, since the basketball championships are going on, basketball will be on instead of my shows. I finished 2 shows on HBO now; The Young Pope, and Big Little Lies. I’m now watching In Treatment. It is a 30 minute show about therapy sessions. I haven’t decided if I like it yet or not, and I am 5 episodes in. But I’m not in the mood to watch that today.

You know what has been heavily neglected? That book I started writing. But the thought of working on that is just so exhausting. All the words going on in my head… ugh.

 

I guess it is going to be one of those days…

It’s all wrong!

I have come across this time and time again. People with bipolar under the illusion that you can’t be on an antidepressant if you have bipolar disorder. If you are, you have a stupid doctor because all antidepressants cause mania.

 

no. they. don’t.

How can we possibly break the stigma that the world has about people with mental illness, if people in our own community is misinformed?!?!? We have to understand us before we expect people to. And when you correct someone they make you out to be some kind of asshole.

Good Lord.

Doin’ Fine

Well, I am happy to report that this week has been uneventful. I have been stable. And what is even better is, I am off my sleeping pills! One less pill to cram down my throat. My pdoc is going to be happy! Sleep hasn’t been great, but really no difference between being on and off the Sonata. So, we are just going with it.

 

My dad is in the hospital again. I am beginning to think he likes being in the hospital more than being at home. I know that is not true, and he has just had  a run of bad luck. He had a colonoscopy on Friday, and yesterday he was bleeding out of his rear, so my mom called the doctor and they said to take him to the ER. He was admitted and stayed over night, they may or may not do a procedure today. He may or may not get to come home today. I just worry about how all these hospital stays are going to affect my parents financially.

Since I took this past week off, I plan to get some things done next week. I really want to spring clean, so hopefully the weather will cooperate.

I’ve been dealing with some nerve pain in my feet and hands. It feels like someone rubbed fiberglass insulation all over my hands and feet. Just on my right side though. Neuropothy happens to be something I have to live with since I have fibro. When I see my GP I am going to inquire about some nerve pain meds, because I can’t live this way, constantly itching to relieve the sensation but it doesn’t help at all.

 

Living in a bubble

This week, I have been living in a bubble. I have done nothing constructive. I’ve taken a vacation and am just “being”. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Yes, yes I do. I have that part of me that is degrading me for my choice. I’m a loser for not doing anything. I’m a waste. A leech. I should be doing something because it is not fair for me to be doing nothing and my husband to be busting his ass at work every day.

But another part of me doesn’t care. I’m enjoying not doing anything, but not in a happy way, more in a healing way.  Nothing has fallen apart, nothing is in dire need of being done. The children are not being neglected. Dishes are getting done and people are being fed.

But it makes me question why I felt the need for this to happen. I think it was a mental choice that I had no decision in the matter. It wasn’t a conscious thought to not do anything. It just happened. Which leads me to believe I must have needed it for some reason.

I want to try and be constructive today. I have my sights on cleaning my daughters room and getting some laundry done. Not much, just a load or two. I don’t know if I will get either done. But I do know I’ve got to come back down to reality by tomorrow. Tomorrow is payday, which means grocery day. And I have a lot of things to pay for tomorrow that is giving me anxiety already. I have to put money on lunch accounts, I have to pay for Senior Pictures, I have to make a payment for the AP tests my son needs to take, cable is due as is car insurance.

I wish I could contribute more financially to our household. I have to come to peace with not being able to work as much as I did when I was younger. My mind just can’t do it. But that is a worry for another day.

Be kind to yourselves. and have a good day.