Silence isn’t always golden

I abhor silence. I always have. Sometimes it scares me, other times it annoys me; hearing every. single. thing. The clock ticking, the dryer running, the kids playing outside, the dog’s tags jingling. The clicks of my husband’s mouse and the clickety clack of the keys on his computer. I’m hearing all of this at once. Most of all I hate the white noise that I always hear. I can’t describe what it sounds like. Kind of like air, but with sound, if that makes any sense? Probably not. Like I said, I can’t describe it. Kind of like a hissing noise, without the hiss.

On the other side of the coin, I do enjoy silence. At times and not often.

I had been listening to music this morning, tired to take a nap while watching some tv but nothing helped. I’m just having serious overload today. I don’t have the tv on because there is nothing on worth watching. Maybe I will do some reading. If I was showered, I would take a trip to the library, I’ve been wanting to go for a few days now, just for a change of scenery.

 

The Way It Is

First thing first, dad came home from the hospital last night. Mom never gave me an “official diagnosis”, so I’m guessing it was just a lot of observation. He has an appointment with his cardiologist soon.

The past couple of days my mood has been “blue”. I’m still functional, so I am thankful for that. And I am still able to stay up til about 10pm. So, I’m not in a depressive episode, just kind of feeling blue. I’m unsure if I can say I’m still stable, I’d like to say that I am. but I’m not going to worry about classifications at the moment.

I have my appointment with sleep doctor tomorrow. They called today to remind me of my appointment. After I hung up I had wondered why I didn’t bother asking about this second letter of denial that I got in the mail after they supposedly faxed the correct information to the insurance company. So tomorrow I get to pay what I owe them ($104.00), ask them about this second letter I got, then see the doctor who is going to say “everything looks good. Lose weight. See you in 6 months.” I have to pay $80 for him to literally spend 2 minutes with me. I spend more time in the triage than I do with him. but, that is just the way it is.

I did manage to get my student loan bill in order. I called 3 collection agencies to track down my loan to make payment arrangements so we can actually get our tax refund this year. For the past several years, they have been taking our tax return to pay back the loan. Not something I’m proud of, but it is what it is. So now I’m on a payment plan. I only have $1000.00 to pay back, but it is going to take more than 19 payments (I can only pay $50 every two weeks). Maybe if we have enough of a refund I can just pay it off. But that is wishful thinking.

Good news is, I have been making good on making my bed everyday. Seems silly, but it is really important for me to see this through for some reason. I’ve also been getting some writing done. Yesterday I wrote 650 words. No writing today though.

And last good thing to report: I’m losing that holiday weight I put on. I’m so happy about that! I only have 6 more pounds to lose until I am pre-holiday weight. I really want to push myself into getting some walking in during the a.m.

I finished my book I was reading : Tales of the Peculiar I’m a huge fan of Ransom Riggs, even though he is a YA author. I have his whole series on the Peculiar Children. Anyway, now I am getting ready to read A Perfect Union of Contrary Things which is the biography of Maynard James Keenan, the front man for TOOL, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer. I’m a fan of his, I think he writes some brilliantly deep lyrics. My husband gave me this book for Christmas. Should be interesting on two accounts 1) the print is very small which is going to make reading a little difficult even WITH my glasses and 2) it’s gotten a lot of mixed reviews, so I hope I’m not disappointed.

And that my friends, is the way it is.

Dad in hospital

My mom had to take my dad to the ER yesterday. They transported him to the heart hospital and kept him over night for observation. His labs were good, but he was having something called PVC’s. After doing some research, apparently PVC’s in heart patients is not a good thing. They are scheduling him for a stress test today, and there was some talk about angioplasty through his leg. My mom is hoping they let him go home today. I hope so too.

Hiding

hiding

photocredit: Bjorn Normann Jr.

Hiding. It is something that most of us do. Hiding our feelings, hiding our true-self from others, sometimes even hiding our physical selves from others. If you have ever been to therapy, a lesson you have probably learned is that hiding is not healthy. So why do we do it?

We have this need to shield others from us. We don’t want anyone to be subject to how we are feeling. We shove it far far down so no one can see it. We stay away from public places because maybe we don’t trust ourselves to act appropriately. Maybe we don’t want to bring anyone down. It all depends on where we currently are on the spectrum. But if we are having a high; we don’t mind showing that off. We become the life of the party, we act wild and carefree.

I think it is unfair of us to shield everyone off from us. But I do it. And there is only one person in this world who can tell when I am hiding… my best friend. Not my parents, not my husband, not my kids… Just my best friend, and I don’t even see her all that often.

I try not to hide, but it is like second nature to shove it all down, to put a proverbial cloak around me so no one can see me when I am weak or hurting. I’m saving you all from feeling it with me. I am sparing you the pain and despair. And when I am manic, people just think I am in a good mood.

This year, I am going to try not to hide. Some people may not even notice, or just ignore it all and hope it goes away. This will probably bother me and make me feel worse. But what is more important? Being my true-self? Or hiding who I am because of politeness?

Some people!

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I saw this on facebook today. It was posted by a healthy eating page. I think it is ridiculous and what a major part of the stigma we have to fight is. Fresh air and rolling hills is an antidepressant, sure. While the vitamin d that you get from the sunshine can help, I would hardly call it an antidepressant. This is what I posted in regards to this image:

disagree. I’m on that “shit” and if I wasn’t I might not be around. A green pasture isn’t going to cure me of depression. Medication isn’t going to cure it either, but it sure makes life livable, and I think my family is grateful for that!

Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it! This kind of crap really pisses me off. And I think it is damaging to call medication “shit”. A lot of us are very sensitive about being on medication, and to call it shit can send the wrong message to someone who is already feeling low.

Movin Right Along

I wrote 400 words this morning! Not much, and if I stay at this pace, it is going to take me FOREVER to get this rough draft done! But I’m not letting it get me down. I did what I could do, and maybe tonight I’ll write some more, and if not, there is always tomorrow.

I also got a hold of the Dr’s office this morning to tell them that they fucked up. But I did it nicely. 🙂 The receptionist said she would take care of it. And to dot my i’s and cross my t’s, I wrote a grievance to the insurance company letting them know that I did not agree with their decision. I also let them know that I contacted the doctors office and that they would be getting in touch with them to rectify the non issuance of information, but just in case they didn’t, I wanted to file a grievance.

I swear, between running around or biding my time for medication Prior Authorizations, and calling everyone to find out why they haven’t given the right information, and calling the insurance company to find out why they are not covering stuff, I think I should get a discount on my insurance! I seem to be doing a lot of work!

Mood wise I am ok today. I am glad I waited to call the doctors office, because I certainly needed time to cool off. I didn’t do too much around the house today because my hip is giving me some problems, so it hurts to stand and walk. But I did get dishes done and my bed made. The rest will have to wait until tomorrow.