The Ride

Yesterday was a trip. I thought I could heal people. And I thought I was put on this earth to heal people. And I wanted to start a couple businesses. I wanted to clean out my kitchen cupboards and wash walls, just to name a few things that were going on in that ol noggin of mine. Today I am perfectly fine. So… two weeks of sadness, one day of mania, then bam! Normal. I guess this is my life. I’m just glad I stayed home yesterday, because I could have really gotten myself into some trouble if I was out and about in the state of mind I was in.

Did our Federal taxes today. We owe. Which is so depressing because I had plans for our return like paying my son’s school fees so he can graduate and buy his senior pictures. So…. now I gotta figure another way to do that. I have to do our state return, I think I will do that on Monday when the kids are in school.

Tuesday I see the pdoc.

Friday is going to be busy. It is shopping day (cha-ching!), and my mom is signing over her truck to me, so I have to also go to the title office to get the title put in my name (cha-ching!), and then to the DMV to get new plates (cha-ching!). Really stupid, they make you get 30 day tags, then they make you buy permanent tags. I guess that is how the state gets money. I may hold off and do that running on the following Monday so I am not over doing it on Friday. Hopefully Friday the hubby and I will go out for drinks. He wanted to take me yesterday, but I said no because we didn’t have the money to go out. (I’m proud that I was able to do that and stick with it, because I kept thinking we should go out anyway — who cares! It’s just money!)

Reigning it in

So the past two weeks I’ve been in a funk, right? Today I appear to be ramping up. The hallmark thoughts have begun — business ventures! *sigh*

I’m ignoring them. All of them. No matter how good or possible they sound, I am just avoiding it all. Hopefully this will end shortly and hopefully I won’t go further up the ramp.

I hate this fucking disease. I just want even-keel thinking, but I guess I will never have that. Yay for being different.

Swift Kick In The Pants

I need a swift kick in the pants. I NEED to get out of this sadness that I am in. I NEED to get busy and do something. I’ve told myself all this week that I am going to work out on the treadmill, that has yet to happen. I’ve been wanting to bake a cake all this week, that has yet to happen. NOTHING is giving me satisfaction or comfort. Even favorite tv shows are not cutting it for me. Music, my go-to, is offering no comfort. I did start reading a Russian Classic last night which is proving to be interesting.

I have a psych appointment next week, and I have no idea what she is going to suggest we do. I don’t see her increasing my antidepressant, because that is probably looking for trouble, too high of a risk for mania. I don’t see her changing meds because she had a difficult enough time deciding to put me back on wellbutrin because of the other meds I take for my fibro, other SSRI’s would interfere with meds and cause Serotonin Syndrome. I just know I am going to frustrate her, because I was doing so great! But, this is the nature of the beast. Next week should prove to be interesting.

At least I’m not having suicidal thoughts. I AM thankful for that. I’m just so fucking tired of being sad.

I did some research on Mental Hospitals in the area, in case I felt the need to check myself in at some point. There are 2 in my area, both about 30 min. away from me. One of the hospitals had horrible reviews, so I WON’T be going there. The other hospital had better reviews, but not by much. At least the second hospital didn’t have lice complaints. At least I know, both hospitals suck and I won’t bother checking myself in unless I am in absolute dire need. But at least I made myself familiar with my options.

I read an article about “double depression” the other day. I meant to post it here, but I forgot and now I can’t find the article. It used to be called dysthymia, but now it is called double depression in the DSM. I can’t help but wonder if that is my problem. It is a type of bipolar. I dunno. I just want to be un-sad. I don’t even have to be happy at this point. I just want the sadness to go away.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown (trigger warning)

quote-uneasy-lies-the-head-that-wears-a-crown-william-shakespeare-168151

We all have baggage and we all have a past. How we choose to deal with those things turn us into who we are. Sometimes we make the wrong choices. Sometimes we don’t know until it is too late. Sometimes we choose to just deal with the pain because it is the lesser of two evils.

My past has been bubbling to the surface lately. It has always been a part of me, but it has always been locked away in a chest at the bottom of the ocean. But somehow, it has started to creep it’s way up to the surface. Not enough to traumatize me, but just enough to annoy and remind me vividly.

I am a product of abuse. Physical, mental/verbal, and sexual. Growing up wasn’t easy, but then again it wasn’t completely horrible either. The abuse started at an early age. Age 4/5. I can’t remember which came first, the physical or the sexual abuse. Both were prevalent. I was strong enough to deal with it somehow. A lot of it was swept under the rug. Of course, I thought it was all normal, because I knew nothing else.

There was a time when the sexual abuse stopped. It wasn’t long lived. But it still happened. Once I got older the other forms of abuse took hold. I was constantly being told how stupid I was and belittled. I was constantly getting hit. I dealt with it. And it all got swept under the rug. But it did last until my teens. And I was the chosen one. I got the brunt of everything. I would gladly take it so my sister didn’t get it.

As the years went on, I forgave the people that hurt me. Not to their face. It has never been brought to the attention of anyone. Only once to a therapist, and she made me look at myself in a mirror but I couldn’t do it. It made me feel too uncomfortable.

Even though I chose to forgive the abusers, the acts have never left me. I don’t think they ever will. They are forever engraved in my psyche. I chose forgiveness, because I hate confrontation. I chose forgiveness because in my head, there must have been something wrong with them to do these things. Maybe things they couldn’t control or understand. In some instances, they didn’t know any better, it was the way they were raised. In some cases, the people most likely don’t remember they did these things.

I eventually broke the cycle. Not soon enough though. My oldest daughter got a good helping of abuse when she hit her teens. I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. That is in no way an excuse, but it is an explanation. I’ve since apologized, but she still holds it over my head and reminds me what a horrible mother I was. That is ok, I deserve it.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to share this information. I think I just needed to find a way to purge, in hopes to stop the leaking chest at the bottom of the ocean.

Everyone has baggage. Everyone has a past. The way we choose to deal with it is how we define ourselves. Be kind to others, you don’t know their story.

Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder

I bet you didn’t know there was such a thing did you? There is, and I have it. With the Spring like weather the past week, and more headed our way this week (71 on Friday is expected! Hello, winter? Are you home???) I have been sad and sluggish. But there have been points that it has made my mind buzz, and most days it does. I guess that counts as a mixed episode? Whatever the case maybe, I’ve been fucked up.

Kids were off of school today and the house has been very quiet. I managed to get the dishes done and move the laundry basket from the living room, to my bedroom. My mind wants to get my summer clothes out of the attic tonight, my body says “no… lets just not.” I’m just very mellow today, moving at a snails pace.

here is a link on Reverse SAD if you want to learn about it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-babble/201501/reverse-seasonal-affective-disorder-sad-in-the-summer

And I am ending this post with an image of Sadness. From the Disney/Pixar movie INSIDE OUT. Because well, it’s how I’m feeling.

 

sadness_fullbody_render

Spring has Sprung

I dunno what the weather is like where you are, but we didn’t really have a good winter. And mother nature is really acting nuts. Today is was 66. This is not good for me. For the first time, the spring like weather charged my brain. I felt buzzy all day. My body was tired but my mind was racing like the Indy 500. If this is how things are going to be for me, I’m in a world of hurt.

I was telling my husband last night, that I want to give up my sleeping meds for Lent. It would really be a good thing, because my pdoc really wants me off of them. I am planning to try a little early, maybe. Last night I had my regular dose at 9. Come 12:30 I was still awake, so I took another one. *sigh* I was really kind of disappointed, but I didn’t take it hard.

I woke up at 8 today (late since it is shopping day and I usually leave no later than 8:30 so I miss the morning rush at the store) Ended up leaving around 9, stopped off to get my hair cut first, and of course there was a half-hour wait. I didn’t end up getting home until noon. I was exhausted from all of the “peopling” I did. Alas, I couldn’t fall asleep when I tried to take a nap at 3. My head was too buzzy.

😦

Yesterday I worked for  4.5 hours. The clinic was really busy with all the little whippersnappers coming in. The school has a new nurse, and she was much easier to work with. She let me do a lot more, even let me enter stuff into the computer! I was originally scheduled for 3.5 hours, but they called and asked if I could stay the extra hour. They actually wanted me to work the whole day, but I told them no, I had appointments in the morning I couldn’t miss. A little lie, but it was better than saying “I’m sorry, working all day will send me into a meltdown.”

Tomorrow is laundry day. Sunday I’m supposed to go out to lunch with my hubby, not sure if we are still going to or not since we went out for drinks and appetizers tonight. Which was great by the way! We had a fancy gourmet pizza that was really tasty, it had a layer of caramelized onions on the bottom, topped with two different cheeses with bacon crumbles on top. We also had an appetizer plate that had apples, pickled carrots and cauliflower, gherkins, two different cheeses and ham. Oh and some fancy toasted bread. They didn’t have my berry cider tonight (they change the drink menu weekly) so I had a pineapple cider tonight that was quite yummy. Not as yummy as the berry cider, and not yummy enough for 2 glasses, but yummy. 🙂 Kids are off Monday so I hope to relax. Hopefully my mind won’t be so buzzy.