Fear and anxiety over rejection

I have to post my truck for sale, and I have a lot of anxiety over this. Even though in my heart, I know I am asking a fair price considering everything that is wrong with it (I looked it up on Kelly Blue Book – which is a consumer service for auto’s in the states) I am afraid it is not going to sell. I am also afraid that my mom is going to be upset for my asking price, but I am being completely fair about this. Like I said, I looked it up on Kelly Blue book.

I have never taken rejection very well. I always take it extremely personal. I’ve been trying to trace it back to when it started, but I can’t. It has just always been there. It is annoying as hell.

Wish me luck!

Fragile Flower

I have come to terms that I am a fragile flower. I didn’t used to be. I used to be very tough and stoic – most of the women in our family are. My grandma had a rough life, and a stern German upbringing that she carried onto her children, and that was passed onto me. Even so, I have always been in touch with my feelings as well as those feelings of others.

I am aware right now, that I am depressed. I am also aware that it is situational. I’m taking the passing of my truck rather hard. On one hand, it is a total bummer, but shit happens and I’ll get through this. On the other hand, I’ve lost my independence. I have to rely on my husband more than ever now, which causes me guilt — if I wasn’t sick I wouldn’t need him so much.

It is a precarious thing to feel the feelings, yet see the horizon of the problem. I know in my mind that things will get better, it is just going to take time. But my heart… my heart is feeling everything. I don’t know if other people with bipolar are like this, but I feel things deeply no matter what the emotion. I just dive head first into the emotion and drowned in it.

One thing I can say, my husband knows I am having a tough time with this. He has been very compassionate. Even when I asked for a hug last night, he was fine with my reasoning (I was feeling low about the truck). It is like we have an unspoken thing right now, we both know this is a sucky position to be in and we know things will eventually be better, so we comfort each other. I am glad about that right now, because I don’t think I could take him throwing a fit and pouting like a baby because he can’t get “x”.

I’ve been pushing through the emotional pain, trying to stay busy, but really at a snails pace. I just want to lay down and let the day fade away. But I know that is not going to solve anything and things need to be done. I’ve done dishes, washed my son’s bedding and hung it out to dry. I’ve cleaned the pool, and cleaned the counter by the door where we keep… well, everything. I am getting ready to do my stretching excercises and then I am going to clean the living room.

Sharing is caring

I’m finding my happy place, trying to wash my worries away with music, and I’m listening to Enigma’s Le Roi Es Mort, Vive Le Roi album on youtube. I LOVED this cd, and I’m not sure what happened to it, I will have to see if I still have it. It always manages to clear my head and balance my mood for the moment. In my opinion, this is one of their best CD’s. And the way it is produced, it is seamless, one song goes into the other. I really recommend giving it a try if you like New Age music (I *think* they are considered New Age…) I’m providing the link in case you want to test the waters. But since it is youtube, there are ads and the songs are broken up so you are not going to get the full effect.

Another CD that does this for me is the first Pure Moods CD.

 

Is there a CD that gets you through? Or a song? Share it with me if you would be so kind.

 

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Saw my GP this morning, and everything went great. I’m losing weight, my bp is good, and my labs were good. Bad news? I got word about my truck. It is going to take $5,000 to fix everything that is wrong with it (minus the window trouble – there was so much wrong with the truck they didn’t even bother with the windows). Who has 5 grand just laying around? Not me! So, we decided that we are going to sell it to someone that buys junk cars. The mechanic up at the shop said he might be interested in buying it, so check with him before we commit to anything. The most I am going to get is $300 for it.

 

I’m very sad. I have lost my independence. Now we will be a one car family again – which is doable, just a pain in the ass. So, now I have to give my husband my scheduled appointments so he knows when he has to go in late or work from home depending on what time my appointments are. Most of my appointments are in the morning, so this shouldn’t be a problem. But I feel bad about having him come home from work / go in late every time I have an appointment. I have a lot of appointments.

We will be looking for a new vehicle, because without me having a car, that means that I can’t work. I might not be able to get an SUV like I want (I really liked my truck) I’d be happy with getting something that will get me from point a to b right now.

Hopefully I won’t get to depressed about this. So far I am taking it like a champ.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my husbands and my 16th anniversary. The above picture is from the day we got married. We got married on his lunch break in the courthouse. In attendance were his mother, his sister, our son and my daughter. After the ceremony we went to Olive Garden, and then he went back to work. We have never had a honeymoon. We have never gone anywhere special just the two of us. This is how our marriage is. We take care of business and put ourselves last. I hope one day that changes. Several years later we did have our reconciliation in the Church. That is just fancy talk that our marriage was blessed in the Catholic Church. Both of our families were in attendance for that.

I know I complain about my husband a lot. But I really do love him, and I really am blessed that he has chosen to stand by his marriage vows to me. Especially ‘for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health”. It is difficult being married to someone with bipolar disorder. I know I have put him through hell. And yet he sticks around. I think that attests to his love an commitment to me. That makes me feel special and blessed.

As per the usual, we are not doing anything special for our “special day”. Especially since my truck is in the shop and we haven’t heard back from them yet about what is wrong with it or how much it is going to cost. I am used to it. It is just the way it is.

Music Therapy

I’m in the process of making my father in law a cd or two for his birthday. He likes to get mix cd’s of music that we like. I have changed my mind on the theme several times, and I have been working on this for a good 3 weeks. But it is so soothing for me. The process to me is just comforting. I think I have decided on a theme – Desert Island. If I was on a desert island (I think the term is actually ‘deserted island’ how can you have an island that is a desert. Isn’t the whole thing about deserts is the lack of water???) I would need these songs with me. Here is what I have so far. I would like to add a couple more, but unsure because then I will have to make 2 CD’s which is fine.

  1. Tyrone (extended version) by Erykah Badu
  2. Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers
  3. Indifference by Pearl Jam
  4. Chloe Dance/Crown of Thorns by Mother Love Bone
  5. October by U2
  6. Unforgettable Fire by U2
  7. Bad by U2
  8. Like Suicide by Soundgarden
  9. Winter In My Heart by VAST
  10. Inna Di Red by Stephen Marley
  11. Everyday Is Exactly The Same by Nine Inch Nails

I may cut down the U2 songs down to just one or two. And I’ve got a couple more ideas of songs to add, but like I said, I may have to make a volume 1 and 2 but we will see.

I need to go to bed, but I’m listening to this set to make sure they are what I want. So far they are.