Still coming down

This has been quite the learning experience for me. I can actually FEEL the hypomania slowly going away. I’m still not 100% today, but I’m better than I was yesterday. Usually, this ride ends with a crash. This time it has been slow and easy, and I don’t mind. Yesterday I could barely function. Today I managed to get some work in and right now I’m doing the laundry that I was supposed to get done yesterday. I’m still not ready to hold a conversation yet. I am still having a horrible time trying to find my words. It is quite annoying. My binging has stopped too which is nice. I’m sure I’ve gained all my weight back. I’m too scared to step on the scale.

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2 days shy

After some poking and prodding, I discovered in therapy that the rage I have felt for the past 2 days was a hypomanic *blip* Can’t call it an episode because it didn’t last for 4 days, but that is what it was. I am feeling better today by the way. And I am going to call it hypomania because today I’ve got a ton of energy and I have rapid thoughts going on. *sigh*

This was my last official session. Next time I go (Dec 20) I will be filling out discharge paperwork and going over my ISP. Cody is pretty confident that I am going to be ok, but said if anything happens to just give him a call. I found out that if I need therapy again, I have to be referred or go to the walk in and be assessed. Sounds like a lot of work to me. LOL I think I will be ok, as Cody gave me quite a few tools and I’ve learned quite a bit. So, I think I feel confident about this.

He sent another email to my psych nurse about my ADHD diagnosis, as he didn’t hear back from her, so he doesn’t know if she got the email or not. I know she has a lot of patients.

My son didn’t go to work today. I called that. I knew A wasn’t going to go 15 minutes out of his way to pick up N. I wonder what is going to happen when we go to Hawaii. Is A expecting grandpa to drop him off every day? So stupid.

Trying to simmer down

This has not improved. Still full of rage. Currently listening to my “Angry” playlist (Megadeath, Suicidal Tendencies, old Motley Crue). I snapped at my son, but apologized. Since hubby is going to DC tomorrow, my son doesn’t have a ride to work. So he had to tell the guy he works with (my daughter’s boyfriend) that he will need to be picked up or he can’t work. The boyfriend replied “I don’t know why your mom just can’t do it”

Let me explain why “mom can’t do it” I have a 10 year old that I have to make sure gets on the bus on time. Not to mention, I have therapy in the a.m. I’m sorry if I can’t drop everything and take my son to his house (it is a whopping 15 minutes away). The original deal when he offered this job to my son, was that he would pick him up every day. That got old real quick. If my husband doesn’t drop my son off, my son doesn’t work because the boyfriend doesn’t see the point in picking him up. So, I kinda flew off the handle.

I had to run up to the store to get my daughter a drink for school tomorrow. They are having a pizza party tomorrow and she needs to bring in a drink. On the way there, my daughter asks if we can stop off at the thrift store to get her a couple pairs of jeans because she had a hard time finding jeans this morning. In her defense, she only has two pairs, and they are wearing thin. But I just got totally bent out of shape when she asked. Like it was such an inconvenience to me. When in reality it wasn’t, as the thrift store is right next to the store we were going to.

I got an email that it was time to do my survey and test for the study I am in, so I did that, and I felt a little calmer being left alone in silence for a few minutes. But the rage still burns within me. Tomorrow is Day 3, time will only tell if I still feel this way then, and if so, it should be the last day. I really don’t want to be rageful when I am here alone with the kids. I don’t want to lose my shit on them. That would just make me feel a million times worse.

So, I’m working on my deep breathing. I had a salad of spinach for dinner. Tomorrow I’m making minestrone for dinner. I just really hate feeling this angry for no reason at all. I can’t help but wonder if my arthritis flare up had something to do with this. That is the only thing that has happened in the past few days, and today was my first day without pain. Wouldn’t that be something? Thank god I have therapy tomorrow.

It’s here

The above image is what I think my emotions look like right now. Angry. It’s here. I managed to get some work done today. Bought myself some breakfast. But have managed to do nothing else. My mom called and she could tell I wasn’t right. She let me get off of the phone because I “sounded tired”. Nope, just mad. I have no reason to be mad, yet here I am.

My mom kind of pissed me off, but I’m just chalking it up to my mood. I know she was only trying to be helpful. She suggested I didn’t need any medication for the ADHD. I really wanted to lay into her, let her know she didn’t understand the … state of my mind. but in true Iggy fashion, I let it go.

I’m angry and I don’t care, all at once. I’m trying to figure out what triggered this, and I can’t think of anything. So I guess this is just one of those times that my mind is doing its own thing – no trigger necessary.

My husband leaves for DC tomorrow morning. He’ll be back late tomorrow night. I don’t know how I am going to manage. I know I’ll manage, but it is going to be rough. I also have therapy tomorrow morning. Should prove to be interesting, because I think it is either my last session or my next to last session.

I don’t like being in this place. It is an angry, dark, and cold place. I don’t know what I’m dealing with; depression or mania. I’m leaning towards depression because I can’t get enough to eat and I’m not very energetic. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be bothered. I want to be left alone until this is done. But no. I have to “life”. Ha. I just used life as a verb. Well, wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

photocredit: https://pngtree.com/freepng/comic-angry-figure_3509538.html

seepage

I feel it seeping in. My stomach feels like I’ve been dropped 5 floors in an elevator. Nothing is coming out of my mouth the right way. All I can spew is snark, unintentionally. All I can do is eat. I did nothing today. My mind is not sad or in a bad place. But it’s like my body knows, it’s coming. It’s giving me the sign to prepare to hunker down. I need to raise my shields and change my vibrations. I’ve got to sweep the seepage away. It is making its way through the cracks and crevices of my psyche. That deep, black, putrid sludge. No! I can’t let it in. I’ve got to push it away. I’ve got no time to break down. I’ve not got the time to be sad and morose. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I just have to get through tonight.

 

photocredit: http://theshadowfarm.blogspot.com/2011/07/

Of course, because it’s Monday

I called the clinic to make an appointment with my nurse to talk to her about my med options for my newly diagnosed ADHD. Well, she is booked up until January. OF COURSE SHE IS! But if I needed anything before then, make sure I come in and see one of the nurses. Well, I know how that goes. In an emergency situation, it takes them three days to get a callback. So, since this is NOT an emergency, I’m guessing it would take longer.

So I have some options: Wait until I see her in January. My thoughts on this is, I have waited this long without medication, what is a few more months. I can call my PCP which means I will get in this week or next week and get medication rather swiftly. My thoughts on this, I want to start treating this right away so I can gain some focus. Last option, talk to my therapist on Wednesday and see what he thinks I should do. But ultimately, I think I am going to have him print something off with my diagnosis so I can take it into my PCP to prove to her that I was diagnosed and get on some meds. I can realistically wait that long.

In other news, I checked on my transcription that I did poorly on. It wasn’t the file I did Friday. It was one I did on the 7. I sent an email to the support team asking a few questions, and I may end up disputing the file. My score is a 3 right now, and I am in jeopardy of not being able to transcribe any more. So you know what that means? Back to hunting. The job that I am supposed to test for on Tuesday, I’m not even going to bother. I know that sounds like I’m giving up too easily, but really I’m not. There are about 4 emails giving instructions on how to take the test. Then when you open the test portal there are several documents you need to read and memorize so you can take the test. My brain just can’t tackle all of that right now. Just thinking about it all hurts. Which goes back to why I need to get on meds soon, so I can actually function in a productive way.

I’m a bit off today. Not in a bad way, I’m still in reality, but I’m a bit uninterested in getting anything accomplished today, yet in the same breath, I have guilt for not wanting to get anything accomplished today. I do have some towels in the laundry, but other than that… that is all I can manage to do today.