dance, monkey, dance!

It’s been one of those days. I need someone to entertain me. I’m bored and tired of entertaining myself. I’ve watched tv (mostly food shows, nothing much is on today), checked FB, crochet, looked at crochet tutorials, read wordpress, done laundry, and have entirely too much coffee. I really want to go shopping at the thrift store. But I can’t see if we have money for that because the bank website is down for maintenance until 8 tonight. Who does that? That is such an inconvenience. Most people use online banking on the weekends because they go shopping and pay bills, but no. We are going to preform maintenance during heavy traffic hours. You can all wait until 8 tonight.

I’m just a bundle of joy today. I’ve been up since 20 after 6.

So. Fucking. Bored.


Guess I will clean.

Song A Day In May (Day 19)

I like to share songs that are not so well known, and this one fits the bill. Winter In My Heart by VAST (Visual Auditory Sensory Theater) VAST is a one man band; Jon Crosby is the singer, musician, and writer. I really enjoy his music and this song is one of my favorites by him. I follow him on facebook, and he is really interactive with his fans. Although I don’t always agree with his opinions (quite recently suicide and I had to set him straight) but I love his music. I hope I turn you on to something new.

You Just Never Know

In light of the recent news about Chris Cornell, I have to say, I feel horrible for him. To carry around that pain that is strong enough for you to want to end it all. And his wife said he was not depressed nor were there any signs of him being suicidal.

You just never know.

Once you carry around that pain, and you can’t take it anymore, you hide it. You hide it because you don’t want to be a burden. You hide it because you need to keep up appearances. You just never know what someone is REALLY feeling.

He was a family man, was married, had a foundation, was a literal rock star. Who knows what the reason was behind his decision. It must be painful for his wife and children. His wife must be wondering if there was something she could have done or said differently — then he would still be here. His kids are probably trying to grasp the fact that dad isn’t going to be around anymore. His friends must be kicking themselves for “not catching the signs”.

Most of us have felt suicidal. Many of have thought about ending it all. In that moment, we are only focused on us, ourselves, ending the pain and loneliness we feel. We don’t think about anyone else. The truth is, this personal decision doesn’t just affect the person deciding to take this way out, it affects their friends and family. Just like we carry around pain that we can’t bare anymore, the decision of ending it all transfers that exact pain onto other people. When people lose a loved one, it is a very painful experience. You never forget that pain. Some people carry that pain with them until they pass, for the remainder of their lives.

Just something to think about.

Uncatagorized states

I don’t know what to call these states I get in. It is like I am agitated, but not to the point of irritability. It is like my mind is racing, yet it is empty at the same time. It is like I am energized yet not. I want to accomplish something but then again I don’t. I’m perplexed. Anyone else get into these states?

Well, I have taken up crochet. I’m not good at it, but it helps my mind stay focused on something and keeps the bad thoughts at bay. So, I have another tool to add to my arsenal. My mom is a master of crochet. I hope to be as good as her one day. My husband knits. He just taught himself how to do it and he does it well. Right now I am working on making squares. I’m not sure if they will be hot pads, pot holders, or if I will just make a bunch and then sew them together as a blanket. The possibilities are endless. But most importantly, it helps relieve stress, anxiety, and stops the bad thoughts. The only bad thing is that it causes my hand to cramp.


But seriously, if you know what these mystery states are that I get into, can you give me a clue. It’s driving me batty.