Weekend

Well, my weekend has been going alright. I’ve felt a smidge better, but I’ve had people around me all weekend. I hope this feeling is still here when everyone is gone next week.

I ordered some paint by number kits and some needlepoint kits online this morning. We went to the craft store after our date night last night, but they didn’t have anything I was looking for. 😦 So I have to wait 6-10 business days before my items arrive. I have to find something to keep myself busy with until then. *sigh*

We went to a steak house last night for dinner. It was nice for us to go out and splurge a little on ourselves. I had a steak and chicken plate with asparagus and a strawberry margarita! My husband had a steak and shrimp plate with rice and asparagus.  We didn’t have room for dessert. But dinner was delicious!

Sunday school starts in today, so I had to get up early. I got up before my alarm went off. 😦 After my daughter is finished with sunday school we have to run to the grocery store and grab a couple of items that I forgot when I went shopping on Friday.

My husband knitted me another beautiful scarf. It is grey and purple ombre colored and super soft. I can’t post pictures of it because you can’t really see the colors in the picture, but it is gorgeous. And now he is working on knitting a blanket for me. 🙂 It is teal. I wish I could knit, I’m so proud of him too because he learned all by himself, just by reading a book. I can’t learn that way, I have to see how it is done. I just hope winter will be cold enough this year that I need a scarf. I didn’t need one last year. :/

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Fleshing Things Out

I’ve been thinking… a lot. (This is what happens when I am left alone to my own devices)

I know I’m jumping the gun, but I have no idea what I am going to do if I have to change antidepressants. Pdoc told me there were few options since I’m taking Savella for my fibromyalgia. Savella is an antidepressant. It is an SNRI. While I am on a low dose, it helps me tremendously with my pain. Taking this keeps the pain at bay. Yes, I still have breakthrough pain that I take muscle relaxers for, but I have limited options on what I can take for my fibro, because there is not much out there. And I prefer to live my life without feeling like I have been run over by a mac truck or like I have a very bad case of the flu.

So, I am pretty adamant that I don’t want to go off the Savella.

(note: the problem with taking two antidepressants is that you can get serotonin syndrome)

But I have that little voice inside my head asking me if my mental health is worth being at risk, just so I’m not in pain. Then the mind thinks about it for a minute, and recalls how the pain triggers depression, and then it decides that nope, I need good mental health.

So that leaves me wondering what in the hell I can do about my depression. As I stated in my earlier blog, things are not right. I am way off. And while I am not having suicidal thoughts (thank God!) I do from time to time think being gone would just be easier. To me that is a red flag, because people shouldn’t think that way.

My husband brought up a valid point the other night when he told me I need to get out and do stuff during the day. The problem is, he forgets I have fibromyalgia. Getting out and interacting with people would probably bring me out of this funk. Or at least should be tested out. I can go out and walk, but I can only do so much. I know my limits, and I know not to push my limits because then I am physically useless. Bowling for the first time in years left me bedridden for three days, just to give you an example. Places I can walk to: The gas station, the church, the dollar store. You can only walk to those places so much. And you need money to make purchases. See my dilemma?

 

I feel very stuck. I am very worried about my mental health at the moment. Trying to prepare myself for what is to possibly come is a coping mechanism of mine. Perhaps not a very useful one.

I’m sorry for griping, but I really needed to get this out. I just really don’t know what to do.

copious amounts of coffee

I think I need a med change. I’m just calling it like I see it. I’m still trying to change my way of thinking but the fact remains, I have no motivation, I don’t want to do anything, I have no inspiration, thoughts, or ideas. I keep telling myself, maybe the increase of wellbutrin hasn’t taken hold yet.  I see my nurse October 5. I’ve got a ways to go. Things are either going to get better, stay the same, or get worse. I’m just taking it as it comes, accepting things for what they are, and keep doing my self-care. In the meantime, I will be drinking copious amounts of coffee to make me feel some sort of energy, no matter how minute that may be.

My humor for today

My husband told me I needed to find something to do with myself during the day when no one is home.

Really? You don’t say? I’m trying really hard to work on that, but there is not much I can do aside from walk or do stuff inside.

He didn’t say it in a mean way. I was apologizing to him and my son for attacking them with conversation as soon as they walk in the door, but I am stuck inside all day by myself with no social interaction, so I get excited. That is when he said it.

I told him I was planning on going to the Lighthouse once school started, but it is a bit too far to walk.

Too bad you need a landline to have any kind of phone job.

 

Crown me :)

I went to the dentist this morning and got my permanent crown. It was so great to get out of the house and interact with people, even if I was in a dentist office.

I also signed up for my credit report to be frozen so no one can access it and I have credit monitoring for a year. My husband needs to see if he was compromised, I need to keep hounding him about it, or he won’t do it.

Today’s weather is great; drizzley and chilly. But I have the a/c on in the house. Trying to remain at a comfortable temp.

 

retraining my brain

This is no joke! Retraining your brain is tough work. I think my mind is resistant at the moment. I feel like I’m riding a bicycle uphill. I have to get over the fact that I think “retraining” = “mindphuck” are one in the same. I don’t like people playing with my mind. And all this changing that I need and am trying to do, I keep associating with mind games. And I have no idea why my mind is set that way. I like to accept things for what they are. I am resistant to change. It is something that is very difficult for me to do, for whatever reason. But I’m trying. But then I can’t help but ask myself “Am I trying hard enough?”

I am easily bored. Once I am bored my mood changes. It sinks. So one would say “Keep busy”. That is a lot easier said than done. And I don’t know why.

I don’t know a lot of things. But I am trying to steer clear of over-thinking and over-analyzing. That is certainly one thing I AM good at.

Change of Season

I’m talking about the seasons of my mind. Today, I’m taking a different approach to things. I’m sure at some point, my mind will change again; it’s inevitable.

I’m going to start taking it easy. I’m going to enjoy my time at home, alone, with nothing to do while everyone is at work and school. I will make dinner in the evenings and do dishes afterwards. I will do whatever my heart desires; napping, reading, watching tv…. basically becoming a lady of leisure. I’m not going to listen to the condescending voice in my head that is telling me I’m a fat, lazy, slob.

The fact of the matter is, I have no car, I have no job. I am stuck in my house. So, why not make the best of it? Obviously, I’m no longer in a depressive state. Life is what it is right now. Why stress out about things that I have no control over? It does nothing but send me into a depression.

**** I KNOW this train of thought is NOT going to last. But I’m going to enjoy my time on this wave, until it crashes to the shore.