Good day

To my surprise I actually had a good day. I went to the grocery with my daughter, went to dinner with my husband (we DID have Mexican! And it was YUMMY!) and I went to our church’s festival tonight with my daughter. We were only there for about 1/2 hour 45 minutes. There wasn’t much to it like there had been in the past. Only spent 20 bucks. My daughter won a stuffed panda bear by playing basketball. She wanted to play darts, but it was $5 for only 1 throw! I thought that was just ridiculous. We walked home and it was nice and dark, with the rumble of thunder in the distance. It was peaceful.

Tomorrow my truck is actually going to the shop! I was shocked when my husband brought it up. I just hope it is not going to be an expensive fix. We are going to get an estimate on some minor things while it is in the shop and we can get those fixed at a later date.

But after the last two days being sucky, it was nice to have a good day.

I am currently drying towles and it is taking forever… I want to go to bed! Gotta get up early tomorrow!

Tightwire

Today has proven to be a good day so far. Too good maybe. As in, I’m ramping up now. I’m guessing it is time for a med adjustment or dare I say it… change. We will see what the nurse says when I see her next month. In the meantime I will continue to write in my new mood journal.

I went shopping today at the grocery. I took my daughter with me, which was a big help because she pushed her own cart that I put all the bread in. I purchased some fresh fruit and they were having a sale on strawberries, they had 2 pound containers for 2.50 so I got two of them and made my famous strawberries. What makes them famous? I clean them, quarter them, and then mix in honey and lemon juice and let them sit over night. YUMMY! I also got something interesting… Salmon Sausage with jalapenos. Sounded weird, but not gross enough to not try, so I grabbed a couple of packages. I also got my dumplings from the freezer section so I can make my ham and bean soup. I will be doing that this weekend, and I will eat that for a good week or two. Just me, no one else eats it. I make corn bread with it too. So yummy!

Dinner tonight with the hub… I am in the mood for Mexican, so I hope he doesn’t mind going to a different place this week. I know he likes going to our normal place so he can drink (he always gets an Irish Coffee and then a pint of cider or beer)

Today begins our parish’s festival. We are supposed to go tonight after the hub gets back from setting up for his event tomorrow. We may not go tonight if he doesn’t feel like it and I will have to take my daughter up tomorrow by myself. We will see what happens.

This morning we had a strong storm blow through breifly. It broke a huge branch off of one of our trees and it landed in the middle of our pathway to the front door. Thankfully it didn’t go through a window. I thought lightening hit it, but after checking it out, the tree was just rotten. It is too big to move by hand, it will have to be cut up with a chainsaw.

Chester Bennington

In case you live under a rock, it has been all over the internet that the front man for Linkin Park, Chester Bennington committed suicide.

I can’t help but wonder if this is adding to the despair that I am feeling. Not that I knew him personally, but to know that someone felt so alone, so helpless, hopeless, trapped, that they needed to end it all.

I’ve never attempted, but I’ve thought about it… a lot. I’ve felt that pain. A pain that I would never wish upon anyone. If you think about it, suicide is a silent killer. You never know that someone is seriously considering it. No one wants to share that with you UNLESS they want help and it is a cry for help. But that doesn’t even happen all the time. You always hear people say “This was never expected”, “I was just with them last week and I never knew anything was wrong.” We hide it well. We don’t want to burden anyone. We don’t want pity. We don’t want anyone to fix us.

But we, as mental health patience, HAVE to understand that when we get to THAT point, we NEED to reach out. We NEED help. we NEED to talk to someone and tell them we are feeling down. To hell with sounding self absorbed in the moment and making it all about you. It is ok. And people want to help. But when we are in that state, we just don’t care. And I think that is the biggest thing that people don’t understand. And you could never understand until you are in that position.

Chester, I hope you have found some peace. I hope the pain is gone. Your experiences that you have written in your songs will forever relate to so many. Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. I just wish it was enough. Rest In Peace.

What’s This?

I am experiencing an emptiness. In my center, it is a hollow shell instead of being filled with life and warmth. I feel off-kilter. The weather is gloomy, which I normally love, to me gloomy weather is absolutely relaxing. And then I bummed myself out. I recorded a bunch of Hitchcock films last night on my DVR and yesterday I was really excited, telling everyone all I need is a rainy day to start watching them. And here I have a rainy day, a quiet house, and I haven’t taken advantage of it. I don’t even know what I have spent my day doing, other than dishes.

I wonder what the rest of the night will hod for me. I hope this emptiness fills — with anything! feeling physically empty is quite the odd feeling.

Jaded

Working customer service and PR most of my working life, I realize I have become very jaded. Remember I told you I sent an email to the Lighthouse the other day? I finally got a response, and it was really lacking warmth. It was very brief, to the point, and made me feel like I was bothering the coordinator. This makes me feel less excited to visit the Lighthouse. Am I going to feel welcomed? Are the people there friendly? Or are there cliques? I realize I have to put some effort in when I visit, and maybe it is just anxiety talking.

I have always been a believer in making people feel at ease. Being as friendly as possible, but not so much that I appear to be fake. I’ve been out of the workforce for sometime now, so maybe things have changed.

I’m still interested in visiting the Lighthouse, but much less excited about it now. I just wish there would have been some excitement in the reply. Instead I got luke warm slop.

Very disappointing.

switching gears

I can feel the gears switching. I’m posting this more as a “mental note”. I’ve decided I really need to physically write down my moods so I can take it in with me to the doctors.

At the moment I am feeling antsy and trying to find things to do.

Keeping an eye on this because this can go either way really.

Wish me luck!

“Winter” is coming

No, this is not a post about Game of Thrones, although I did steal a famous line from it. I don’t even watch it, but I’m educated by my husband and facebook on the important parts.

What I mean by Winter is depression. I feel it coming on. I’m starting to get sluggish and unmotivated and exhausted. But I’m trying to stay above it in hopes to avoid a crash.

I was fairly productive this morning; I went to the store and purchased some chlorine for the pool (i’ll get to the story behind that in a minute), I made my daughter’s eye appointment, and I emailed my husband about getting my truck into the shop this weekend. Yes, I chose to email him because I’ve been wanting to approach him about this all week, but have been too chicken shit to say anything, so I hid behind my email client to do it. At least it got done. Now I need to wash the pots and pans from dinner last night. They couldn’t fit in the dishwasher last night, as it was too full. So….

Now here is the story behind the chlorine purchase… *sigh*

As you know, I set up the pool a couple days ago. Yesterday my daughter and her friend spent ALL DAY (literally from 11 – 8:40pm). The friend was going underwater and opening her eyes. My daughter was NOT doing that. The friend had horribly red eyes from irritation (obviously — she was opening her eyes underwater EVERYTIME she went underwater, which was a lot). So last night her mom said she couldn’t play in the pool anymore until there was chlorine in it. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t she going to get red eyes even with chlorine in the pool and she continues to open her eyes underwater? *sigh* I am a hardened parent. I was soft with my first one, but after the second one got here, I toughened up. My motto is a little dirt isn’t going to hurt, and a little blood doesn’t constitute a band aide. Anyways, that kind of irritated me, because I didn’t put up my pool so it could sit for the rest of the summer. Shocked the pool when I got back from the store and put the chlorine in, and it will be ready for them to play in after they get back from the library today… IF the friend is allowed to lay in it.

I am perplexed. I checked the bank account this morning before going to the store to see if I had enough money to get chlorine. I noticed my husband transferred some money over from our savings, and then took 40 dollars out. I’m wondering why he did that when our son JUST GAVE HIM 90 dollars the night before last. So I am going to ask about that. And he didn’t deposit the 90, because I checked. My thought? He needs to make sure he has enough money for booze and gas. I am going to accept the feeling of irritability and let it pass through me, just like I learned in therapy. But now I am starting to re-think this process… if you just accept and move on, is that healthy? Shouldn’t you confront some feelings head on and get them out in the open? And if so, how do you determine which ones to pass through and which ones to confront? My mind gets the better of me sometimes… Overthinking at it’s finest.