hit me again

this is a work related post.

I got the score on the two files I reviewed. I got a “bad” grade on one and “rejected” grade on the other.

I feel so worthless. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel like I am never going to find something that I can do from home that I care about doing. I can’t get a job in the “real world” it seems. And it seems I can’t do anything from home either.

I know I’m feeling worse now because I’m already depressed due to my husband leaving. I just didn’t need this hit today.

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t minus 2 days and counting

my husband leaves in two days. for the rest of the month. i won’t see him until the very last day of june. i am finally feeling the impact it is having on my mood. i knew it would come, and here it is.

i feel like my body is surrounded by cotton. i know that sounds weird, but it is the best way i can describe it. i am calm but sad. tired but not.

i want night to come so i can sleep. i tried taking a nap today but it just didn’t happen. i feel safe in the night. i feel vulnerable during the day. feeling vulnerable is an uncomfortable feeling.

 

food diary

Last night I decided I was going to start a food diary up again. Not to count my carb intake or anything fancy like that. Just to see what, if anything, I have eaten for the day.

I think my lack of eating is what is causing me my headaches. I had a hard time getting rid of my headache yesterday. I tried to recall what I ate throughout the day, and all I remembered was two bagels. So I had another one last night before bed.

I’m back to no appetite. I’ve not lost weight yet. And when I have lost weight due to lack of appetite, my doctor doesn’t seem to be concerned. I guess because I can stand to lose a few pounds. But, it bothers me that I am not eating. And I am assuming that it is the Latuda that is doing this to me, but I’m not so sure anymore since I went through a period here recently where my appetite was out of control. I don’t know if I should mention this to my doctor or not. Because I know she is going to tell me it is probably my meds and that will be that.

Another thing that is a little irritating is that I can’t remember anything, which is why I decided to start up the food diary again. Just to make sure I am remembering properly. Like I remembered I had two bagels yesterday… but is that all I REALLY had?

I get spastic over things. I tend to make a mountain out of molehills. So now I am panicking that perhaps I have some kind of eating disorder. It’s the anxiety I know. But that doesn’t make it any less real that I automatically go there.

If my lack of food consumption is causing me headaches, I think there is a problem.

Odd how I can be so fat and hardly eat. I guess that is a true testament to how important exercise is to losing weight.

Not much monday

it’s monday and not much is going on. I’ve had a bit of a headache, so I’m trying to get rid of that. I managed to log into work for one review assignment. I may do another tonight. Just depends on if I feel motivated after dinner.

I did my nail and they look horrendous. Usually, my nails look good when I do them, but I blame the cheap nail polish I used. But, it will have to do until I feel like doing my nails again.

I guess we are going to the July 4 party we were invited to. My mom wants us to come out the weekend before. Since she lives so far away, she doesn’t want us to have to deal with holiday traffic. I will admit, I got a bit of anxiety about this party. Obviously. Because I’m very much an introvert. And 35 people were invited. 35 people I. Don’t. Know. So… wish me luck.

It has been rainy and gloomy all day, which may account for my mellow mood.

Sunday

Mentally I’m good today. Like actually good. No bipolar bs no ADHD bs.

went bowling this morning and then out to lunch to McDonalds (daughter’s choice).

Folded laundry, made dinner and now I’m pondering starting one of my many many TBR books (to be read).

I’ve got this “thing” going on. My left leg (which has always been my bad leg for as long as I can remember). It is like the tendon or ligament in my hip ball joint is not working anymore.  It hurts to cross that leg in the hip area. I can’t sit indian style, and it hurts to put on my shoes. Thankfully it is summer and I mostly wear slip on shoes of some type. I see my doctor next week, I’m going to tell her about it and ask for some exercises.

I did not work last night like I thought I was going to. I checked my file I did and it has not been looked at yet, so I didn’t want to work on more in case I am bad at it. I’m trying to tell myself to do one once a day. And I really need to. Something to work on this week.

Saturday

So remember I was having anxiety over my husband not coming to bed? Well, he told me it was because he didn’t want his alarm waking me up early — he wanted me to sleep in. The day before, he wouldn’t wake up with his alarm, so I kinda got pissed that his alarm woke me up when I could have slept in. I told him I would his alarm wake me up in the morning if it means he will sleep in bed with me. I just can’t do the anxiety thing over his not being in bed. So, that got solved.

He also ordered my satellite radio for my car. It is an early birthday gift. But one I am SUPER excited about. And he also went and got my oil changed for me today.

Personally, I’ve had a bad ADHD kinda day. Yesterday was ok, but today not so much. Head scattered, doing too many things at once. I was constant non-stop this morning. I’m a bit better now. Not running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but still having problems in the head department. I’ll be ok. I’m used to it now. Doesn’t make it any less irritating though.

Tomorrow is bowling day. The summer kids bowl for free program has started up, and we signed our family up again since we had such a good time last year.

I may do a bit of work tonight.

the truth of the matter

the truth of the matter is, the state of our mental health care system is flawed. Seriously flawed.

If you do not have insurance, you are basically screwed. Unless you have money for self-pay. And some “doctors” charge outrageous fees. My first pdoc did not accept insurance and charged $80 per 15 minutes.

With the current state of the nation, people are reaching out for help but find these things to be true:

  • no help available in their immediate area (having to travel an hour or more for help)
  • Long waiting lists, meaning the patient to doctor ratio is not suitable for the current times.

Luckily, we have a vast amount of crisis lines that people can use. Some are web (chat) based, some are text-based, some or phone based. There is a little something for everybody.

People ARE reaching out. People ARE asking for help. But I don’t think the mental health system is prepared to help. Not realistically anyways. With mental health cuts everytime you turn around, we need to turn to our government to stop this maddness!

It is not enough to just reach out for help. It is not enough to get help. We need to get more people to become medical professionals in the mental health field. We need them to be realistic in ways to see them. We need more resources. Bottom line, there is just so much need in the mental health community.

We are doing great thus far, but can our current way of doing things be enough? Are the crisis lines really strong enough to carry the load of all the people to get the medical help they need?

I’m curious to your thoughts on this matter.