Another crappy day. Head won’t stop. Can’t concentrate, can’t focus, can’t find a starting point of anything. very flighty. I think I’ve finally started to calm down, I am actually getting tired. I’m going to try to do my testing tonight. We have been having internet connectivity issues, just called the cable company today and they are coming out tomorrow. TOMORROW I AM DVR’ing THE ROYAL WEDDING COVERAGE! And the cable guy is going to be here screwing it all up. *sigh*
I’ve been cooking stuffed peppers in the over for an hour. They are not ready yet. Because I put foil over them. I thought that would “steam” them… guess not. So now I have to wait longer for dinner. That is ok. Just makes my day over quicker.
I’m really trying to focus on my reviewing. I just added my review blog to two search engines to get some traffic going. I signed up for another place to get stuff to review. I just hope I’m not putting too much on my plate. Eventually, I want to do a youtube channel, but I need some kind of recording set up. At least a tripod for my phone so I can use that. But maybe that is just a manic thought worming its way in my head. Never can tell.
I don’t have much planned for the weekend. Just the typical laundry. Not sure what the weather is going to be like. It was rainy today.
Long story short. My rx is on the way.
I called the pharmacy this morning and apparently I needed a “Medication Review” done on the Latuda before it could be processed. What is a medication review you ask? Well, Apparently Latuda is a non formulary drug with my insurance. So, in order to cover it, they have to make sure that I absolutely need it and make sure I can’t switch to something else, at their suggestion. Then they review the matter. You can get an expedited review, which is 24 hours, but only if you doctor tells insurance that it is an emergency. Otherwise, it takes 72 hours. If all goes well, they will approve your review. Think of it another kind of Prior Authorization.
I contacted the clinic to talk to a nurse. The nurse had never heard of such a thing. The PA was in place so she didn’t understand why I needed this other thing. They called and took care of it. The pharmacy called me an hour later to tell me I needed to pay my balance before they could ship my Latuda. So, that is how I found out that everything got sorted out. About 4 hours later the clinic called to tell me that they took care of it and I should have my meds in a week.
I’ve been on meds for over 10 years, and I have NEVER had this happen before. Of course, most of my meds have been covered by insurance. But since I’ve been on it for so long, they grandfathered me in.
I paid my balance with the pharmacy and now I am waiting for them to give me a ship date on the Latuda so I can pay that. (a great deal! $150 for a 90 day supply)
I called the clinic to make an appointment with my nurse to talk to her about my med options for my newly diagnosed ADHD. Well, she is booked up until January. OF COURSE SHE IS! But if I needed anything before then, make sure I come in and see one of the nurses. Well, I know how that goes. In an emergency situation, it takes them three days to get a callback. So, since this is NOT an emergency, I’m guessing it would take longer.
So I have some options: Wait until I see her in January. My thoughts on this is, I have waited this long without medication, what is a few more months. I can call my PCP which means I will get in this week or next week and get medication rather swiftly. My thoughts on this, I want to start treating this right away so I can gain some focus. Last option, talk to my therapist on Wednesday and see what he thinks I should do. But ultimately, I think I am going to have him print something off with my diagnosis so I can take it into my PCP to prove to her that I was diagnosed and get on some meds. I can realistically wait that long.
In other news, I checked on my transcription that I did poorly on. It wasn’t the file I did Friday. It was one I did on the 7. I sent an email to the support team asking a few questions, and I may end up disputing the file. My score is a 3 right now, and I am in jeopardy of not being able to transcribe any more. So you know what that means? Back to hunting. The job that I am supposed to test for on Tuesday, I’m not even going to bother. I know that sounds like I’m giving up too easily, but really I’m not. There are about 4 emails giving instructions on how to take the test. Then when you open the test portal there are several documents you need to read and memorize so you can take the test. My brain just can’t tackle all of that right now. Just thinking about it all hurts. Which goes back to why I need to get on meds soon, so I can actually function in a productive way.
I’m a bit off today. Not in a bad way, I’m still in reality, but I’m a bit uninterested in getting anything accomplished today, yet in the same breath, I have guilt for not wanting to get anything accomplished today. I do have some towels in the laundry, but other than that… that is all I can manage to do today.
Remember how I said I felt weird about being diagnosed with ADHD? Well, I’m over that. I’m happy I know the name of this “issue” now. It is going to be another rough day. Yesterday was ok, but this morning is driving me nuts. My head is overactive, I can’t sit still, I’m pacing back and forth, and I can’t focus on a thought that would give me direction on taking this “energy” and putting it to good use. On top of that, I’m having a fibromyalgia flare. My body feels like one huge bruise. I’m hoping I’ll be able to stretch it out, but thanks to the cold (It is literally below freezing this morning) my body is a hot mess.
I can see how, if not taken care of, this ADHD can exacerbate the bipolar. Because it FEELS like I’m teetering on mania, and I feel like if I don’t get a hold on this, it could launch me into hypomania. But I know I’m not headed into mania because my thoughts are not mucky.
I decided that I can’t wait any longer. I need to get a hold on this, I’ve gone too long dealing with this, thinking it was part of my bipolar disorder. Now that I know it is not, it’s time to get some treatment for it. I’m calling to schedule an appointment with the nurse today. Hopefully her first available is soon. I at least want to talk to her about this to find out what my options are and how she wants to go about this. I’m all for trying a low-dose med because I am a little afraid of getting thrown into full-blown mania. So, I think I am going into this in the right state of mind — cautiously. If she doesn’t want to give me meds, I will ask why and depending on her answer I will see if she has a problem with me going to my PCP to get treated for it. Bottom line — I need some sort of direction for treatment. So, that is what I’m planning on doing this morning.
I decided that if I don’t hear from the clinic this week in regards to a med appointment, I’m calling next week to make an appointment. I was just going to hold off and not make a big stink, but then I thought about it. I have a right to be treated. I shouldn’t feel bad asking for medication. And lastly, I want to take care of this diagnosis, why should I live uncomfortably if I can be proactive in trying to get things under control?
That is how I feel right now, this very second. That may change next week. Or tomorrow. That is the lovely thing about bipolar; you just never know how you are going to feel about things from moment to moment.
Today again I’m feeling unsettled. I want to make my head stop. Last night I kept forgetting that I needed to set my meds up for the week. I’d go in my room and be all “Damn it!” because then I would remember that I forgot. And then I would leave the room. I did this about 5 times until I finally grabbed my box of meds and my weekly pill containers and brought them out to the living room to get everything done. Today I kept forgetting that I needed to go vote. I finally got it done after forgetting several times. I forgot about my laundry, but only a couple of times. LOL And the thing is, I don’t really have my mind on anything else. My mind is just up in the clouds. Hey, but I’m stable! LOL
I can’t help but laugh… It is all quite laughable. I mean really.
I actually found an adult ADHD clinic here in town. Except they don’t take insurance. Looks like it would be a good place. Although the first appointment is two hours long and all about psychoanalyzing you and your comorbidities. I find that ironic. How can you expect anyone with ADHD to pay attention for 2 hours? I guess they know what they’re doing. Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m not going there since they don’t accept insurance.
This is the problem with the mental health industry. There are so many places that don’t accept insurance. How many people just have a couple hundred laying around ready for them to go to the doctor every week? Not very many people, that’s for damn sure. My first pdoc didn’t accept insurance. It was 80 bucks for a 15 minuted meeting. And god forbid if she got to talking. I’ve spent 180 there before just to get my meds! It definitely hurt the pocketbook!
Anyways, I’m rambling now. I apologize. Gotta find something to do, the options are limitless!
My therapist diagnosed me with ADHD. That took 95% of my session. I met 7 of the 9 DSM criteria. Apparently, there is no more A.D.D. it is all ADHD just different forms now. DSM took ADD out. So I have ADHD inattentive type. 2 of my kids having it kind of sealed the deal. The therapist is sending my nurse a note to let her know so she can adjust my meds i.e. put me on something for the ADHD. I’m thinking it is going to be Straterra because they don’t prescribe narcotics at the clinic I go to. So, I either wait until January to get meds, or if she feels the need, she will call me in earlier to get that taken care of. Much like the rest of the mental health situations, I must sit and wait.
And to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about the diagnosis. I had an idea that I probably had it, but now that it is “official” I kind of feel weird like everyone is going to be like “More pills in your life” or telling me I don’t have ADHD because I don’t act like it. Just one more thing that I have to explain. I feel like I should hide this. I don’t know why I feel that way. But I do. I just hope that medication will help. It is so maddening not being able to focus. I feel like I need to strap my brain down, put my hands on it in a motherly fashion and say “STOP! Just fucking stop!”
I texted my husband and let him know.
I stopped off at the store on my way home and I bought things I shouldn’t have. I went looking for something specific in the toy section for a gift but ended up getting some cake, shampoo for my sons, a new bathroom mat, and 2 lipsticks. Now I feel sooooooooooo guilty.
And on a sad note, I only have one or two more sessions of therapy. I can’t remember what he said. But he said next session we will be discussing how I will feel about not having sessions. And it is kind of scary. He has been of great help to me. It was such a safe feeling to know that I had someone there in the event of a horrible depressive episode. I just don’t know how to feel about that. I am going to feel a void.
EDIT: My husband was not the least bit surprised that I was diagnosed ADHD. Which silly enough, put me at ease, because I was afraid he was just going to see it as another expense.
When I see Cody tomorrow, I am going to ask if there is someone he can set me up with at the clinic who can screen me for ADD/ADHD. I’ve talked about that I think I have one of these before. And I have gotten to the point that I want to be screened because I really can’t stand not being able to focus anymore. I also can’t handle the not staying interested in things and not being able to complete things I start.
I think there is a fine line between an ADD/ADHD diagnosis and what is my Bipolar seeping through. But I want to take care of whatever is ailing me. I’ve gotten to the point that I just want to reach through my skull, grab my brain, and make it stay still.
I know Cody is going to think I’m being a hypochondriac. I’ve mentioned this to him before and he told me that I didn’t have it. But we didn’t go through a list of symptoms. If I don’t have it, that is great. I won’t worry about it anymore, and I will focus (ha ha!) on trying to get this bipolar better under control.
I’ve taken two online assessments through reputable ADD/ADHD places and one was just answers to take to your doctor, and the other one was a list of questions and if at least 15 of the questions applied to you, you probably have it and need to talk to a doctor about it.
So there ya go. That is what is on my mind today.