Good Session

Had a good therapy session, we covered quite a bit and I even had a break through!

Of course Cody was a little disappointed that I haven’t talked to my husband about his drinking, and after I told him my reasons. I realize my reasons are… unreasonable I guess. I can’t think of the word I want to use.

I learned a new tool. Stop Thinking I think is what it is called. The premise is to gain control of your thoughts. So for instance you are having a bad thought, like anxiety. So you think of a big stop sign to stop the feelings, and then you think of things that bring you comfort/peace. In my instance, the ocean. And you focus on your good thought until the bad thought goes away. I’m going to give it a try, especially tomorrow when we are traveling.

Speaking of traveling… my breakthrough was what caused me to have an irrational fear of traveling on the highway. It doesn’t help dissipate the thoughts, but comforting to know where it all stemmed from. For me, it was when we were traveling to New York. We were on the interstate, next to a semi-truck that was leaking fuel. We drove through diesel fuel, which, if you don’t know, is VERY slick. Slick as ice! That is what put fear in me. The uncertainty of the things that can happen on the highway. So, he offered up a form of immersion therapy, but he called it something else. So, when I can, go on the interstate, and get off at the first exit. Then when I am comfortable, make it two exits. And again, when I am comfortable, make it three exits, and so on and so forth. Sounds do-able.

We also talked about the upcoming function to the baseball game. I basically have to think my way through it and make myself as comfortable as possible.

There is a lot of mind over matter when it comes to mental illness. I have to learn how to re-think things and exercise my mind. I’m not going to lie, it is going to take awhile for me. It is difficult to recondition yourself. But I am going to put the work in.

The appointment after next we are going to go over my progress and see if I can just go to therapy one a month instead of every two weeks. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m happy going twice a month right now, but maybe that is more just being comfortable. I’ve got another month until we go over all of that, so we will see what happens.

 

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ADD/ADHD – Bipolar question

For those of you that have ADD/ADHD along with Bipolar I have a few questions.

How can you tell the difference between the ADD/ADHD and the Bipolar?

I’m really questioning if I have ADD/ADHD. I am having a very difficult time keeping focus and keeping “entertained”. I lose my attention quickly if I am not totally interested in something. I can only sit for a few minutes and then I HAVE to get up and do something.  I have gone back to the “old” me. This is how I was prior to medication. Always busy, always doing something, bouncing from one thing to another. When I am interested in something I focus all my time and attention to it and immerse myself in whatever that happens to be. That usually only lasts a day or two and doesn’t happen often.

The problem is, I know these are also issues with Bipolar. I’m not manic, I’m not depressed, but like I said, I’m having a difficult time with focus and interest and I am bouncing from one thing to another because I lose interest.

I also have 2 kids that have been clinically diagnosed with ADHD. One ADHD and was medicated as a child and not medicated now. One with ADHD without hyperactivity (yes, it is a form of ADHD, it is different from ADD) that is not medicated. So certainly they must have gotten it from somewhere right? Couldn’t have been the dad, because they have two different fathers.

I plan on bringing this up in therapy. I think they will have to send me to someone who can diagnose me, as he is just a therapist and I don’t have a psychiatrist anymore, now I see a Nurse. I just can’t take this anymore. I was just wondering how you guys deal with it and are you on medication and does the medication interfere with your bipolar (causing mania?)

here we go!

So, it all started last night. That is when I noticed the climb up “the ride”.

I went and saw my best friend for a couple of hours last night and had a 32oz coke. Between me soaking up her energy of bebopping around her yard planting flowers, and drinking the coke, I got home last night and was wide awake.

I usually go to bed between 9 and 10, but last night 11:30 rolled around and I forced myself to go to bed. Because I was “up” I took 2 sleeping pills. Those suckers didn’t even phase me. (It’s nights like these that I wish I was still on 600mg of Seroquel) I laid in bed for about a half hour and then my husband came to bed. His head hit the pillow and he was out…. SNORING. So I tried to ignore the snoring, but 2 a.m. rolled around and I couldn’t take it anymore, so I came out to the living room and slept on the couch.

7 a.m. rolled around and BAM! Wide awake. I probably didn’t even need coffee.

I have been on edge all day. Nothing is satisfying me in the way of keeping myself occupied and dealing with the energy and aggitation.

I’ve done dishes… by hand.

Crochet

cleaned

facebooked

wordpressed

and I’m still riding high on hypomania.

I know the other day that I wished some hypomania would come along, I wasn’t expecting it to, as it rarely ever does.

So now here I am. Riding the wave. Fidgety. Annoyed. Tingling with energy.

Today I get to figure out how to get rid of it, or deal with it the best that I can. But I’m really having a hard time with this aggravation.

Today has been a rough day. I had to put on my boxing gloves and fight toe to toe with this depression. I woke up irritated, annoyed, and sad. I decided I wasn’t going to let that take me down. I was going to fight. All to often I submit to the depression, let it wash over me. Today I wanted to try something different.

I started by calling to make my therapy appointment. To my surprise, they could have gotten me in TODAY! But it was too short notice and I made my appointment for the Monday after we get back from vacation. June 19…. the day before my birthday.

I have been drinking copious amounts of coffee, and it is just like drinking water. No effect. Still moving at a snails pace.

I went to the store to grab what I needed to make tacos for dinner tomorrow.

I came home and made cinnamon rolls.

I did three loads of laundry.

I made dinner.

All the while, jabbing and hooking my way through the day. Bobbing and weaving, managing NOT to get knocked down for the count.

Guess what? I’m still depressed. Even after the long embrace that my husband gave me.

No suicidal thoughts, so that is a plus. Must be that the Latuda is working. By the way I got that in the mail today. And the husband rented an SUV today, we pick it up Saturday, the day we leave.

Right now I am listening to some new Alt-J, and I’m not impressed. I will have to listen again when I am in a better mood.

Depression sucks. I have no idea why I have been given this “gift” in this lifetime. It would be great if some hypomania came around soon.

I’m a little dismayed that I wasn’t able to work through it. I’m a little saddened that even fighting this all day, it is still here. It didn’t go away. Next time I am just going to wallow in my misery.

 

Mind Phuck

I’m in the middle of a big mind phuck right now. And I can’t help to think that perhaps this depression and anger has been triggered by the current pain I am in. For the past 3 days my mouth has been in excruciating pain. I believe I have a couple cavities that need to be taken care of. I had to run up to the pharmacy yesterday and get some more oral pain relief because I used up all of my orajel. I told my husband that I need to call the dentist on Friday, and you could just see the dollar signs pop up in his mind. No “Oh man, I’m sorry you are in pain” just… “ok” Which I think started this whole episode now that I have had some time to think about how the spider-web has been made.

See, I start off by feeling like I am such a burden. I cost my husband so much money. I feel completely horrible about it. I mean It really brings me down. Between all my meds and doctor visits between my various ailments, I cost a fortune. All because I’m damaged. I’m damaged when I get into these moods. When I’m up I like to think I’m unique… when I’m down? I’m damaged. And then it goes to worthless, because I don’t have a job that is frequent enough to make a difference in our financial status. Which then sends me looking on all my job boards, only to see that I am not qualified for one reason or another for anything listed; be it a position that would require me to stand on my feet for long periods of time, or requires heavy lifting, or the hours are not what I can do because I still have to be responsible for getting my 10 year old to school. Then this makes the worthlessness feeling even stronger. Which then turns into I don’t deserve to be here, everyone would be better off without me, which then turns into thinking of ways I can die. Which then goes to me thinking that I can’t do that because I can’t let me kids find me like that — that would do irreversible damage to them.

See? Mind Phuck. And there is not a damn thing I can do about it because this is how my mind works. At least I am able to follow the train of thought and understand WHY I am feeling this way. And all because of a cavity and an unwanted response from my husband.It is exhausting to say the least.

So, now what do I do about it. I have no damn idea. I guess I go back to stuffing the feelings down. I guess I try and find something to keep me busy to ignore all of the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind that are trying to bring me down.

I hate bipolar. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life this way. The only thing I can do is deal with it the best way I can. I guess practice makes perfect. One can only hope. It is going to be a long friggen day.

Flare

I’m having a fibro flare today. I’ve actually had it since Sunday. I think bowling on Saturday fucked me up. Last night I woke up in excruciating pain from my left elbow up to my left shoulder. Took a pain pill and rubbed Freeze Max all over my arm. Was half tempted to take a hot bath, but seeing as how it was 1 in the morning, I decided against it.

So yesterday I felt like a walking-talking bruise. Today I feel like a walking talking bruise. And to make matters worse, I cleaned Sara’s room. It was a hot mess! But I worked through the pain…. And I’m doing laundry… I am pushing myself BIG TIME! I need to walk tonight since I didn’t yesterday because I was in so much pain. So instead of doing 2 miles, I will just do 1 mile because I’ve GOT to get my exercise in.

Usually, when I am having a fibro flare, it affects my bipolar by putting me into a depression. So far so good. No nasty feelings, just lots of motivation to get shit done, even if I have to work through the pain. Tonight I will reward myself by taking a bath in my epsom salts. That should set me right.