Mind Phuck

I’m in the middle of a big mind phuck right now. And I can’t help to think that perhaps this depression and anger has been triggered by the current pain I am in. For the past 3 days my mouth has been in excruciating pain. I believe I have a couple cavities that need to be taken care of. I had to run up to the pharmacy yesterday and get some more oral pain relief because I used up all of my orajel. I told my husband that I need to call the dentist on Friday, and you could just see the dollar signs pop up in his mind. No “Oh man, I’m sorry you are in pain” just… “ok” Which I think started this whole episode now that I have had some time to think about how the spider-web has been made.

See, I start off by feeling like I am such a burden. I cost my husband so much money. I feel completely horrible about it. I mean It really brings me down. Between all my meds and doctor visits between my various ailments, I cost a fortune. All because I’m damaged. I’m damaged when I get into these moods. When I’m up I like to think I’m unique… when I’m down? I’m damaged. And then it goes to worthless, because I don’t have a job that is frequent enough to make a difference in our financial status. Which then sends me looking on all my job boards, only to see that I am not qualified for one reason or another for anything listed; be it a position that would require me to stand on my feet for long periods of time, or requires heavy lifting, or the hours are not what I can do because I still have to be responsible for getting my 10 year old to school. Then this makes the worthlessness feeling even stronger. Which then turns into I don’t deserve to be here, everyone would be better off without me, which then turns into thinking of ways I can die. Which then goes to me thinking that I can’t do that because I can’t let me kids find me like that — that would do irreversible damage to them.

See? Mind Phuck. And there is not a damn thing I can do about it because this is how my mind works. At least I am able to follow the train of thought and understand WHY I am feeling this way. And all because of a cavity and an unwanted response from my husband.It is exhausting to say the least.

So, now what do I do about it. I have no damn idea. I guess I go back to stuffing the feelings down. I guess I try and find something to keep me busy to ignore all of the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind that are trying to bring me down.

I hate bipolar. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life this way. The only thing I can do is deal with it the best way I can. I guess practice makes perfect. One can only hope. It is going to be a long friggen day.

Flare

I’m having a fibro flare today. I’ve actually had it since Sunday. I think bowling on Saturday fucked me up. Last night I woke up in excruciating pain from my left elbow up to my left shoulder. Took a pain pill and rubbed Freeze Max all over my arm. Was half tempted to take a hot bath, but seeing as how it was 1 in the morning, I decided against it.

So yesterday I felt like a walking-talking bruise. Today I feel like a walking talking bruise. And to make matters worse, I cleaned Sara’s room. It was a hot mess! But I worked through the pain…. And I’m doing laundry… I am pushing myself BIG TIME! I need to walk tonight since I didn’t yesterday because I was in so much pain. So instead of doing 2 miles, I will just do 1 mile because I’ve GOT to get my exercise in.

Usually, when I am having a fibro flare, it affects my bipolar by putting me into a depression. So far so good. No nasty feelings, just lots of motivation to get shit done, even if I have to work through the pain. Tonight I will reward myself by taking a bath in my epsom salts. That should set me right.

When you find your passion

I thought I had found a great group of people to surround myself with to discuss and share experiences with empathic abilities. I learned something today though, I found my passion. I thought my passion was using my gift of empathy to help heal people, but instead I found my passion was using my gift of empathy to help people by way of advocacy.

A discussion was brought up asking how many people suffer from emotional issues/disorders. I of course chime in with my bipolar diagnosis. Because I am not ashamed of it, it is part of who I am. Others shared their diagnosis’ as well. And then the non-believers chimed in. And my fire started burning.

Of course, this was all coming from a loving place (sarcasm). People didn’t believe in labels because it” diminishes” individuals (to which I played devils advocate and asked “isn’t calling yourself an empath putting a label on yourself? I find nothing demeaning with most labels, I find them descriptive.” of course, no one had a come back for that). Then there were others that believed that “psychiatrists do nothing but put labels on people and throw medications at them to make money”. And my favorite – “Bipolar is not a disease or disorder, it is just a way of being, like being bisexual”.

Of course I point out that bipolar is a medical condition where you have a chemical imbalance. I got… “Oh, are you a doctor?” smh… “No, just an educated patient.”

With all of the people that had mental health diagnosis’in that group, this was a very harmful environment. You never know the stability of who is on the other side, and to make remarks about “medication is not needed”, these are not “real diseases”, “I am cured of such and such because I went completely off of meds”…. just not a good environment at all.

But it reiterated some things for me. Stigma is super strong. I think for a little while I thought stigma was changing, because I have been surrounded by all of you lovely people here in my cozy part of the blogverse. I need to focus my energy on advocacy. This is where my passion truly lies. It is a super sensitive subject for me, it is like someone talking shit about my kids or a loved one; my hackles go up and I need to defend. And not just for bipolar disorder and depression and PTSD, but all of the mental illnesses. People have so far to go to gain a rice grain of understanding. And with the amount of mentally ill people there are in the world, we need fighters. I want to be a fighter, a defender, an educator, an ally.

So I’m going where this passion takes me. I am going blind, but I don’t care. I will use my hands to feel my way to where I need to be. I realize I can’t save the world. I realize stupid is as stupid does, and you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. But I also realize I can’t make a difference if I don’t try. So I will be trying. Trying my damndest to make a difference. I hope to have your support.

Time for Changes

Monday I started working out again. I had been thinking about it for weeks, and I finally had enough of the procrastination and just did it. The above is my readings from my first work out in a long time. I only got a mile in, but I was at a 5% incline the whole time, so that was good.

I skipped yesterday, since it was shower night for the kids. I like to have a nice cold shower after I work out. So, I worked out tonight. I did even better. I did a mile and a half, again at a 5% incline. I got my pulse up to 150. My GP wants my activity to be at 160 and holding. That is my goal. Baby steps. But I can do it as long as I keep at it. In lieu of working out tomorrow night I will work out during the day when the kids are at school, that way I can get my shower in without interfering with the kids’ shower schedule.

I’m sure this is a boring post. But this is an important milestone for me. I have finally gotten to a place where I am getting active. And now that I am not eating nearly as much, I am hoping this activity will not only improve my moods, but allow me to lose some much needed weight.

Carrying around weight does a lot for your mood. It depresses you. It causes you to become anti-social, and does nothing for your self esteem. These are all the things that I need to conquer in regards to my bipolar life. And since I’ve been in a good place mentally thanks to a good med combo, it is time to get in a good place physically. Am I going to be a skinny minnie? Um, highly doubtful. I’ve never been “skinny” per se, but I have been thinner. My main focus is to start feeling good about myself, and I think this is a step in the right direction.

Once I get to a place where I am comfortable with myself, I would like to give a go at some hot yoga classes. I think it would be great for not only my back(I have arthritis), but hopefully give me some focus and straighten out “the thoughts”.

Wish me luck on keeping the motivation. I’m hoping this is a positive change in my lifestyle.

Conversations in my Mind

Another great item from BP Hope. This came across my newsfeed on facebook just now. Please watch this quick video (3 min) or you can read the article too. The video just had me screaming YES! ALL THE YESSES IN THE WORLD!

I am constantly having conversations in my head. CONSTANT. This is the main reason why I have to have the tv on when I go to bed, because the thoughts don’t stop, and I find that tv distracts or drowns them out. Unlike the gentlemen in this video, I can not meditate, because I haven’t learned how to stop the thoughts on my own. Listening to music helps, but depending on my mood, songs can trigger thoughts. This vlogger also talks about reading, but I find that only a REALLY good book will stop the thoughts, otherwise I start questioning why the author has done this or that, or wonder where they found the editor because they did a hack job.

Sometimes, no thoughts at all can be just as annoying and crippling as having constant thoughts.

Do you have constant conversations in YOUR head? Have you found a way to stop or lessen them?

http://www.bphope.com/bipolar-stories-video-blog/video-conversations-in-my-mind/