Of course, because it’s Monday

I called the clinic to make an appointment with my nurse to talk to her about my med options for my newly diagnosed ADHD. Well, she is booked up until January. OF COURSE SHE IS! But if I needed anything before then, make sure I come in and see one of the nurses. Well, I know how that goes. In an emergency situation, it takes them three days to get a callback. So, since this is NOT an emergency, I’m guessing it would take longer.

So I have some options: Wait until I see her in January. My thoughts on this is, I have waited this long without medication, what is a few more months. I can call my PCP which means I will get in this week or next week and get medication rather swiftly. My thoughts on this, I want to start treating this right away so I can gain some focus. Last option, talk to my therapist on Wednesday and see what he thinks I should do. But ultimately, I think I am going to have him print something off with my diagnosis so I can take it into my PCP to prove to her that I was diagnosed and get on some meds. I can realistically wait that long.

In other news, I checked on my transcription that I did poorly on. It wasn’t the file I did Friday. It was one I did on the 7. I sent an email to the support team asking a few questions, and I may end up disputing the file. My score is a 3 right now, and I am in jeopardy of not being able to transcribe any more. So you know what that means? Back to hunting. The job that I am supposed to test for on Tuesday, I’m not even going to bother. I know that sounds like I’m giving up too easily, but really I’m not. There are about 4 emails giving instructions on how to take the test. Then when you open the test portal there are several documents you need to read and memorize so you can take the test. My brain just can’t tackle all of that right now. Just thinking about it all hurts. Which goes back to why I need to get on meds soon, so I can actually function in a productive way.

I’m a bit off today. Not in a bad way, I’m still in reality, but I’m a bit uninterested in getting anything accomplished today, yet in the same breath, I have guilt for not wanting to get anything accomplished today. I do have some towels in the laundry, but other than that… that is all I can manage to do today.

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I’m so glad I know what this is now

Remember how I said I felt weird about being diagnosed with ADHD? Well, I’m over that. I’m happy I know the name of this “issue” now. It is going to be another rough day. Yesterday was ok, but this morning is driving me nuts. My head is overactive, I can’t sit still, I’m pacing back and forth, and I can’t focus on a thought that would give me direction on taking this “energy” and putting it to good use. On top of that, I’m having a fibromyalgia flare. My body feels like one huge bruise. I’m hoping I’ll be able to stretch it out, but thanks to the cold (It is literally below freezing this morning) my body is a hot mess.

I can see how, if not taken care of, this ADHD can exacerbate the bipolar. Because it FEELS like I’m teetering on mania, and I feel like if I don’t get a hold on this, it could launch me into hypomania. But I know I’m not headed into mania because my thoughts are not mucky.

I decided that I can’t wait any longer. I need to get a hold on this, I’ve gone too long dealing with this, thinking it was part of my bipolar disorder. Now that  I know it is not, it’s time to get some treatment for it. I’m calling to schedule an appointment with the nurse today. Hopefully her first available is soon. I at least want to talk to her about this to find out what my options are and how she wants to go about this. I’m all for trying a low-dose med because I am a little afraid of getting thrown into full-blown mania. So, I think I am going into this in the right state of mind — cautiously. If she doesn’t want to give me meds, I will ask why and depending on her answer I will see if she has a problem with me going to my PCP to get treated for it. Bottom line — I need some sort of direction for treatment. So, that is what I’m planning on doing this morning.

Decision

I decided that if I don’t hear from the clinic this week in regards to a med appointment, I’m calling next week to make an appointment. I was just going to hold off and not make a big stink, but then I thought about it. I have a right to be treated. I shouldn’t feel bad asking for medication. And lastly, I want to take care of this diagnosis, why should I live uncomfortably if I can be proactive in trying to get things under control?

That is how I feel right now, this very second. That may change next week. Or tomorrow. That is the lovely thing about bipolar; you just never know how you are going to feel about things from moment to moment.

Today again I’m feeling unsettled. I want to make my head stop. Last night I kept forgetting that I needed to set my meds up for the week. I’d go in my room and be all “Damn it!” because then I would remember that I forgot. And then I would leave the room. I did this about 5 times until I finally grabbed my box of meds and my weekly pill containers and brought them out to the living room to get everything done. Today I kept forgetting that I needed to go vote. I finally got it done after forgetting several times. I forgot about my laundry, but only a couple of times. LOL And the thing is, I don’t really have my mind on anything else. My mind is just up in the clouds. Hey, but I’m stable! LOL

I can’t help but laugh… It is all quite laughable. I mean really.

I actually found an adult ADHD clinic here in town. Except they don’t take insurance. Looks like it would be a good place. Although the first appointment is two hours long and all about psychoanalyzing you and your comorbidities. I find that ironic. How can you expect anyone with ADHD to pay attention for 2 hours? I guess they know what they’re doing. Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m not going there since they don’t accept insurance.

This is the problem with the mental health industry. There are so many places that don’t accept insurance. How many people just have a couple hundred laying around ready for them to go to the doctor every week? Not very many people, that’s for damn sure. My first pdoc didn’t accept insurance. It was 80 bucks for a 15 minuted meeting. And god forbid if she got to talking. I’ve spent 180 there before just to get my meds! It definitely hurt the pocketbook!

Anyways, I’m rambling now. I apologize. Gotta find something to do, the options are limitless!

It’s Offical

My therapist diagnosed me with ADHD. That took 95% of my session. I met 7 of the 9 DSM criteria. Apparently, there is no more A.D.D. it is all ADHD just different forms now. DSM took ADD out. So I have ADHD inattentive type. 2 of my kids having it kind of sealed the deal. The therapist is sending my nurse a note to let her know so she can adjust my meds i.e. put me on something for the ADHD. I’m thinking it is going to be Straterra because they don’t prescribe narcotics at the clinic I go to. So, I either wait until January to get meds, or if she feels the need, she will call me in earlier to get that taken care of. Much like the rest of the mental health situations, I must sit and wait.

And to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about the diagnosis. I had an idea that I probably had it, but now that it is “official” I kind of feel weird like everyone is going to be like “More pills in your life” or telling me I don’t have ADHD because I don’t act like it. Just one more thing that I have to explain. I feel like I should hide this. I don’t know why I feel that way. But I do.  I just hope that medication will help. It is so maddening not being able to focus. I feel like I need to strap my brain down, put my hands on it in a motherly fashion and say “STOP! Just fucking stop!”

I texted my husband and let him know.

I stopped off at the store on my way home and I bought things I shouldn’t have. I went looking for something specific in the toy section for a gift but ended up getting some cake, shampoo for my sons, a new bathroom mat, and 2 lipsticks. Now I feel sooooooooooo guilty.

And on a sad note, I only have one or two more sessions of therapy. I can’t remember what he said. But he said next session we will be discussing how I will feel about not having sessions. And it is kind of scary. He has been of great help to me. It was such a safe feeling to know that I had someone there in the event of a horrible depressive episode. I just don’t know how to feel about that. I am going to feel a void.

EDIT: My husband was not the least bit surprised that I was diagnosed ADHD. Which silly enough, put me at ease, because I was afraid he was just going to see it as another expense.

ADD/ADHD

When I see Cody tomorrow, I am going to ask if there is someone he can set me up with at the clinic who can screen me for ADD/ADHD. I’ve talked about that I think I have one of these before. And I have gotten to the point that I want to be screened because I really can’t stand not being able to focus anymore. I also can’t handle the not staying interested in things and not being able to complete things I start.

I think there is a fine line between an ADD/ADHD diagnosis and what is my Bipolar seeping through. But I want to take care of whatever is ailing me. I’ve gotten to the point that I just want to reach through my skull, grab my brain, and make it stay still.

I know Cody is going to think I’m being a hypochondriac. I’ve mentioned this to him before and he told me that I didn’t have it. But we didn’t go through a list of symptoms. If I don’t have it, that is great. I won’t worry about it anymore, and I will focus (ha ha!) on trying to get this bipolar better under control.

I’ve taken two online assessments through reputable ADD/ADHD places and one was just answers to take to your doctor, and the other one was a list of questions and if at least 15 of the questions applied to you, you probably have it and need to talk to a doctor about it.

So there ya go. That is what is on my mind today.

Good Session

Had a good therapy session, we covered quite a bit and I even had a break through!

Of course Cody was a little disappointed that I haven’t talked to my husband about his drinking, and after I told him my reasons. I realize my reasons are… unreasonable I guess. I can’t think of the word I want to use.

I learned a new tool. Stop Thinking I think is what it is called. The premise is to gain control of your thoughts. So for instance you are having a bad thought, like anxiety. So you think of a big stop sign to stop the feelings, and then you think of things that bring you comfort/peace. In my instance, the ocean. And you focus on your good thought until the bad thought goes away. I’m going to give it a try, especially tomorrow when we are traveling.

Speaking of traveling… my breakthrough was what caused me to have an irrational fear of traveling on the highway. It doesn’t help dissipate the thoughts, but comforting to know where it all stemmed from. For me, it was when we were traveling to New York. We were on the interstate, next to a semi-truck that was leaking fuel. We drove through diesel fuel, which, if you don’t know, is VERY slick. Slick as ice! That is what put fear in me. The uncertainty of the things that can happen on the highway. So, he offered up a form of immersion therapy, but he called it something else. So, when I can, go on the interstate, and get off at the first exit. Then when I am comfortable, make it two exits. And again, when I am comfortable, make it three exits, and so on and so forth. Sounds do-able.

We also talked about the upcoming function to the baseball game. I basically have to think my way through it and make myself as comfortable as possible.

There is a lot of mind over matter when it comes to mental illness. I have to learn how to re-think things and exercise my mind. I’m not going to lie, it is going to take awhile for me. It is difficult to recondition yourself. But I am going to put the work in.

The appointment after next we are going to go over my progress and see if I can just go to therapy one a month instead of every two weeks. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m happy going twice a month right now, but maybe that is more just being comfortable. I’ve got another month until we go over all of that, so we will see what happens.

 

ADD/ADHD – Bipolar question

For those of you that have ADD/ADHD along with Bipolar I have a few questions.

How can you tell the difference between the ADD/ADHD and the Bipolar?

I’m really questioning if I have ADD/ADHD. I am having a very difficult time keeping focus and keeping “entertained”. I lose my attention quickly if I am not totally interested in something. I can only sit for a few minutes and then I HAVE to get up and do something.  I have gone back to the “old” me. This is how I was prior to medication. Always busy, always doing something, bouncing from one thing to another. When I am interested in something I focus all my time and attention to it and immerse myself in whatever that happens to be. That usually only lasts a day or two and doesn’t happen often.

The problem is, I know these are also issues with Bipolar. I’m not manic, I’m not depressed, but like I said, I’m having a difficult time with focus and interest and I am bouncing from one thing to another because I lose interest.

I also have 2 kids that have been clinically diagnosed with ADHD. One ADHD and was medicated as a child and not medicated now. One with ADHD without hyperactivity (yes, it is a form of ADHD, it is different from ADD) that is not medicated. So certainly they must have gotten it from somewhere right? Couldn’t have been the dad, because they have two different fathers.

I plan on bringing this up in therapy. I think they will have to send me to someone who can diagnose me, as he is just a therapist and I don’t have a psychiatrist anymore, now I see a Nurse. I just can’t take this anymore. I was just wondering how you guys deal with it and are you on medication and does the medication interfere with your bipolar (causing mania?)