ADD/ADHD – Bipolar question

For those of you that have ADD/ADHD along with Bipolar I have a few questions.

How can you tell the difference between the ADD/ADHD and the Bipolar?

I’m really questioning if I have ADD/ADHD. I am having a very difficult time keeping focus and keeping “entertained”. I lose my attention quickly if I am not totally interested in something. I can only sit for a few minutes and then I HAVE to get up and do something.  I have gone back to the “old” me. This is how I was prior to medication. Always busy, always doing something, bouncing from one thing to another. When I am interested in something I focus all my time and attention to it and immerse myself in whatever that happens to be. That usually only lasts a day or two and doesn’t happen often.

The problem is, I know these are also issues with Bipolar. I’m not manic, I’m not depressed, but like I said, I’m having a difficult time with focus and interest and I am bouncing from one thing to another because I lose interest.

I also have 2 kids that have been clinically diagnosed with ADHD. One ADHD and was medicated as a child and not medicated now. One with ADHD without hyperactivity (yes, it is a form of ADHD, it is different from ADD) that is not medicated. So certainly they must have gotten it from somewhere right? Couldn’t have been the dad, because they have two different fathers.

I plan on bringing this up in therapy. I think they will have to send me to someone who can diagnose me, as he is just a therapist and I don’t have a psychiatrist anymore, now I see a Nurse. I just can’t take this anymore. I was just wondering how you guys deal with it and are you on medication and does the medication interfere with your bipolar (causing mania?)

here we go!

So, it all started last night. That is when I noticed the climb up “the ride”.

I went and saw my best friend for a couple of hours last night and had a 32oz coke. Between me soaking up her energy of bebopping around her yard planting flowers, and drinking the coke, I got home last night and was wide awake.

I usually go to bed between 9 and 10, but last night 11:30 rolled around and I forced myself to go to bed. Because I was “up” I took 2 sleeping pills. Those suckers didn’t even phase me. (It’s nights like these that I wish I was still on 600mg of Seroquel) I laid in bed for about a half hour and then my husband came to bed. His head hit the pillow and he was out…. SNORING. So I tried to ignore the snoring, but 2 a.m. rolled around and I couldn’t take it anymore, so I came out to the living room and slept on the couch.

7 a.m. rolled around and BAM! Wide awake. I probably didn’t even need coffee.

I have been on edge all day. Nothing is satisfying me in the way of keeping myself occupied and dealing with the energy and aggitation.

I’ve done dishes… by hand.

Crochet

cleaned

facebooked

wordpressed

and I’m still riding high on hypomania.

I know the other day that I wished some hypomania would come along, I wasn’t expecting it to, as it rarely ever does.

So now here I am. Riding the wave. Fidgety. Annoyed. Tingling with energy.

Today I get to figure out how to get rid of it, or deal with it the best that I can. But I’m really having a hard time with this aggravation.

Today has been a rough day. I had to put on my boxing gloves and fight toe to toe with this depression. I woke up irritated, annoyed, and sad. I decided I wasn’t going to let that take me down. I was going to fight. All to often I submit to the depression, let it wash over me. Today I wanted to try something different.

I started by calling to make my therapy appointment. To my surprise, they could have gotten me in TODAY! But it was too short notice and I made my appointment for the Monday after we get back from vacation. June 19…. the day before my birthday.

I have been drinking copious amounts of coffee, and it is just like drinking water. No effect. Still moving at a snails pace.

I went to the store to grab what I needed to make tacos for dinner tomorrow.

I came home and made cinnamon rolls.

I did three loads of laundry.

I made dinner.

All the while, jabbing and hooking my way through the day. Bobbing and weaving, managing NOT to get knocked down for the count.

Guess what? I’m still depressed. Even after the long embrace that my husband gave me.

No suicidal thoughts, so that is a plus. Must be that the Latuda is working. By the way I got that in the mail today. And the husband rented an SUV today, we pick it up Saturday, the day we leave.

Right now I am listening to some new Alt-J, and I’m not impressed. I will have to listen again when I am in a better mood.

Depression sucks. I have no idea why I have been given this “gift” in this lifetime. It would be great if some hypomania came around soon.

I’m a little dismayed that I wasn’t able to work through it. I’m a little saddened that even fighting this all day, it is still here. It didn’t go away. Next time I am just going to wallow in my misery.

 

Mind Phuck

I’m in the middle of a big mind phuck right now. And I can’t help to think that perhaps this depression and anger has been triggered by the current pain I am in. For the past 3 days my mouth has been in excruciating pain. I believe I have a couple cavities that need to be taken care of. I had to run up to the pharmacy yesterday and get some more oral pain relief because I used up all of my orajel. I told my husband that I need to call the dentist on Friday, and you could just see the dollar signs pop up in his mind. No “Oh man, I’m sorry you are in pain” just… “ok” Which I think started this whole episode now that I have had some time to think about how the spider-web has been made.

See, I start off by feeling like I am such a burden. I cost my husband so much money. I feel completely horrible about it. I mean It really brings me down. Between all my meds and doctor visits between my various ailments, I cost a fortune. All because I’m damaged. I’m damaged when I get into these moods. When I’m up I like to think I’m unique… when I’m down? I’m damaged. And then it goes to worthless, because I don’t have a job that is frequent enough to make a difference in our financial status. Which then sends me looking on all my job boards, only to see that I am not qualified for one reason or another for anything listed; be it a position that would require me to stand on my feet for long periods of time, or requires heavy lifting, or the hours are not what I can do because I still have to be responsible for getting my 10 year old to school. Then this makes the worthlessness feeling even stronger. Which then turns into I don’t deserve to be here, everyone would be better off without me, which then turns into thinking of ways I can die. Which then goes to me thinking that I can’t do that because I can’t let me kids find me like that — that would do irreversible damage to them.

See? Mind Phuck. And there is not a damn thing I can do about it because this is how my mind works. At least I am able to follow the train of thought and understand WHY I am feeling this way. And all because of a cavity and an unwanted response from my husband.It is exhausting to say the least.

So, now what do I do about it. I have no damn idea. I guess I go back to stuffing the feelings down. I guess I try and find something to keep me busy to ignore all of the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind that are trying to bring me down.

I hate bipolar. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life this way. The only thing I can do is deal with it the best way I can. I guess practice makes perfect. One can only hope. It is going to be a long friggen day.

Flare

I’m having a fibro flare today. I’ve actually had it since Sunday. I think bowling on Saturday fucked me up. Last night I woke up in excruciating pain from my left elbow up to my left shoulder. Took a pain pill and rubbed Freeze Max all over my arm. Was half tempted to take a hot bath, but seeing as how it was 1 in the morning, I decided against it.

So yesterday I felt like a walking-talking bruise. Today I feel like a walking talking bruise. And to make matters worse, I cleaned Sara’s room. It was a hot mess! But I worked through the pain…. And I’m doing laundry… I am pushing myself BIG TIME! I need to walk tonight since I didn’t yesterday because I was in so much pain. So instead of doing 2 miles, I will just do 1 mile because I’ve GOT to get my exercise in.

Usually, when I am having a fibro flare, it affects my bipolar by putting me into a depression. So far so good. No nasty feelings, just lots of motivation to get shit done, even if I have to work through the pain. Tonight I will reward myself by taking a bath in my epsom salts. That should set me right.

When you find your passion

I thought I had found a great group of people to surround myself with to discuss and share experiences with empathic abilities. I learned something today though, I found my passion. I thought my passion was using my gift of empathy to help heal people, but instead I found my passion was using my gift of empathy to help people by way of advocacy.

A discussion was brought up asking how many people suffer from emotional issues/disorders. I of course chime in with my bipolar diagnosis. Because I am not ashamed of it, it is part of who I am. Others shared their diagnosis’ as well. And then the non-believers chimed in. And my fire started burning.

Of course, this was all coming from a loving place (sarcasm). People didn’t believe in labels because it” diminishes” individuals (to which I played devils advocate and asked “isn’t calling yourself an empath putting a label on yourself? I find nothing demeaning with most labels, I find them descriptive.” of course, no one had a come back for that). Then there were others that believed that “psychiatrists do nothing but put labels on people and throw medications at them to make money”. And my favorite – “Bipolar is not a disease or disorder, it is just a way of being, like being bisexual”.

Of course I point out that bipolar is a medical condition where you have a chemical imbalance. I got… “Oh, are you a doctor?” smh… “No, just an educated patient.”

With all of the people that had mental health diagnosis’in that group, this was a very harmful environment. You never know the stability of who is on the other side, and to make remarks about “medication is not needed”, these are not “real diseases”, “I am cured of such and such because I went completely off of meds”…. just not a good environment at all.

But it reiterated some things for me. Stigma is super strong. I think for a little while I thought stigma was changing, because I have been surrounded by all of you lovely people here in my cozy part of the blogverse. I need to focus my energy on advocacy. This is where my passion truly lies. It is a super sensitive subject for me, it is like someone talking shit about my kids or a loved one; my hackles go up and I need to defend. And not just for bipolar disorder and depression and PTSD, but all of the mental illnesses. People have so far to go to gain a rice grain of understanding. And with the amount of mentally ill people there are in the world, we need fighters. I want to be a fighter, a defender, an educator, an ally.

So I’m going where this passion takes me. I am going blind, but I don’t care. I will use my hands to feel my way to where I need to be. I realize I can’t save the world. I realize stupid is as stupid does, and you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. But I also realize I can’t make a difference if I don’t try. So I will be trying. Trying my damndest to make a difference. I hope to have your support.