Color Me Anxious

I’ve been off and on in my head lately. I am easily bored and unmotivated to change that. The reason why I am unmotivated to do that is because every chance I get to change that, I am overcome with horrible anxiety.

So, today I changed that. It took me 3 hours to force myself to do it, but I accepted a job assignment for Thursday. As I clicked on the ‘accept’ button, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was shaking. I kept telling myself “It’s only for 3 1/2 hours”, “It’s an easy job, you get to spend time with special needs kids, which you enjoy”, “You need to get your ass in gear and start accepting assignments that you can take, because we could really use the money.”, “Tons of people would like to have your job, you can pick and choose for the most part when you want to work. You are off holidays and summers, granted without pay, but still!”

So I’m working Thursday.

I have no idea what my problem is, and why I am having so much anxiety over this, but I am. And I don’t know how to get past it, besides making myself go through some good old immersion therapy! And it is so. fucking. hard.

:head on desk:

I wonder if I should start taking my extra anxiety meds on top of what I already take and see if that changes how I feel. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Pedal to the Metal


I NEED to learn how to control my emotions. I am tired of feeling everything so intensely. When I’m happy, I am full on happy. When I am sad, I am deathly depressed, and when I’m angry I feel like Medusa. I just want to have NORMAL emotions. Let’s just take it down a couple notches, eh?

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Everything was irritating me. I think it was because I stayed up too late (11pm) and woke up too late (7am) — totally screwed up my routine.I put my big girl panties on and did my grocery shopping. I was finally calming down. I got home, put away groceries, and got the mail.

To my surprise I got something from my insurance company. It seems as though they got all of the bs straightened out with the doctors office over my CPAP machine. Well, almost. My insurance company is still denying the claim because, my doctor did not tell the insurance company that I have been using said machine. The one I wear 7-10 hours a night. The one that the results gets transmitted directly to the doctors office telling them how long I have been wearing the mask. The one that has an SD card in it, recording how often I wear the mask. I was, and still am FUCKING LIVID. I mean my heart is pounding, my breathing is heavy and fast, and I am shaky. I should not be THIS mad. I can’t call the doctors office TODAY to get this fixed, because I am too pissed. It is very likely that I will sound and act like a hateful bitch, even though I might not be trying to. So I’m waiting until Monday to call.

Does every little thing have to trigger me into such deep emotion? Am I the only one that gets like this? Or do other people with bipolar have this problem as well? I took two hydroxyzines to calm my ass down. I’m mentally trying to calm myself down. I need to be left alone for a little while. I need to give myself a time out. So I will, after the kids get home.

I just don’t know what to do about this. Suggestions?

Day Two of Rapid Fire


Today is day two of my rapid thoughts. It is more like a pin-ball game going on in my head. I still feel the need to beat my head against a wall incessantly to make it all stop. But I know that won’t stop it. That would just give me a headache ontop of the rapid thoughts.

And it’s not even like there is a lot of “thoughts” bouncing around in the ol noggin. It’s not a loud noise like it usually is, it is more of a busy, electrical highway of synapses firing off. Which I guess that IS what happens in your brain, but I can feel it.

This is all induced by holiday stress (I’m guessing. Either that or the weather. I am a bit backwards as winter weather causes my mania instead of summer sunshine). I have a house to get ready for company. I have done ALL of the Christmas shopping, no help from my husband at all. And I keep hounding him on what we are getting our oldest son, because he is the last one to shop for and hello! Christmas is NEXT WEEKEND! Yesterday I opted for Amazon Prime for a month. Just in case we needed to do VERY last minute shopping.

Yesterday I took an anxiety pill to calm the head. In the past I would take a seroquel and that would totally help. Alas…. I’m not on seroquel anymore. Though I DO have some still. Albeit expired, but that just means it would be less potent. And it is probably not a wise decision to take it on-top of my normal antipsychotic.

I posted in a group, looking for some ideas on how to make the thoughts/noise stop. Everyone said the only thing I could do is to take meds. No one had any other tips or tricks in order to deal with it. So…. Yesterday I just vegged out. It KILLED ME to stay still. But it was the only way to calm my head down. It helped for a few hours along with the emergency anxiety pill.

Today I tackled my daughters bedroom. In shifts. Because she is nine and doesn’t clean her room. She used to when she was four, and I would give her a dollar every time she picked up her room. Then she wanted money EVERY TIME she cleaned her room, like on a daily, instead of like a regular weekly allowance. Anyhow… that is not the point. The point is, today’s tactic is to try and keep busy. I’m afraid that only makes the noise in my head worse. And it only amps me up  more.

If I am still feeling this way tomorrow I am going to call Dr. G and see if I can get in. I doubt I can. But she did tell me if I started getting manic to get in to see her. So that is what I will attempt to do. Last night I took two sleeping pills to get to sleep, because I could have stayed up all night.

I have a feeling you might be able to tell I’m ramping up, because I feel like a lot of what I am typing isn’t really relative or what I really want to say, I just go off on tangents. Maybe not. But that is what I feel like. Yesterday I was singing “Yellow Submarine” to the kids.

IF you have any suggestions on how to stop the noise in my head, please feel free to share. Music does help, but I am very antsy.

When I’m In My Right Mind

I have to wonder if when I am in my right mind, I am REALLY in my right mind. Lately I have had tremendous guilt for spending money. And I’m not spending frivolously, I’m just doing holiday shopping on a budget. During the year, my husband participates in a holiday savings plan at work. At the end of the year we have a grand for holiday shopping. Now, that might sound like a lot of money to some of you, but that money gets split between my 4 kids, my parents, my in laws, and my sister in laws family. I don’t buy my sisters family anything, sometimes I don’t even get her a birthday present (Her birthday is in December). I don’t think that is fair at all, and that adds to the guilt. But it is ok with my sister, because she doesn’t get anything for us. 99% of the time my husband and I don’t get gifts for each other. I usually get him a gift, but he doesn’t get me anything. Everyone has been purchased for except for my father in law and my oldest son. As the kids get older, their gifts are more expensive. And I have tremendous guilt that I can’t make go away. I KNOW I have nothing to feel guilty about. But I do. And I don’t know how to get over that.

I’m also having problems with racing thoughts when I’m in my right mind. It is like my mind is better; no depression, no suicidal thoughts, I have motivation and am able to function. But if I moved as much as my thoughts moved, I would be one skinny bitch!

I don’t know how to slow those down either. I’m not manic, but the thoughts are stuck on rapid fire some days. Not enough to be non functioning, but enough to be annoyed by it.

I don’t know if I ever will know what being in my right mind will feel like totally. Maybe I just need to get used to things the way they are, maybe this is my norm.

My PSA For The Day

I have come across some variations of this as of late: “I don’t know why I take these medications, they don’t work.”

I have to say, this really gets under my skin, but I also understand the sentiments behind such statements.

First and foremost, we really need to understand that medications is NOT A CURE! You can not cure bipolar disorder, just like you can’t cure cancer or heart disease or arthritis, or diabetes. But what CAN happen is learning how to live with it and MANAGING it.

So many times, when we are in the throws of diagnosis, somehow we believe that medication is going to cure it all. No one tells us this, we just assume or maybe even hope. We just feel so miserable and helpless, that we grasp at straws hoping to get some relief.

Because Bipolar is not completely understood, there are many, many, different ways to treat it. This means that it is not a one size fits all treatment plan. What might work for you, probably won’t work for someone else. It can also take a long time to find the right cocktail of medications to fit your particular treatment plan. I know it is easier said than done, but… DON’T GIVE UP. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You WILL get to a point of feeling better and like a normal functioning human being. But it can take a lot of time, and a lot of trial and error.

However, you also have to learn how to be your own advocate. What I mean is, if you feel like what you are taking is not working/helping, you need to SPEAK UP. You can’t be afraid of your doctor. You have to be able to tell them HONESTLY how things are going, in order to get the proper treatment. After all, your doctor is not a mind reader. They can’t scan you with their eyes to see how your meds are working. You have to actually COMMUNICATE!

There ARE a handful of people who happen to be drug resistant. They HAVE tried everything under the sun, and they HAVE communicated with their doctor, but they can find no relief. BUT…. you DON’T KNOW IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE IF YOU DON’T FIRST TRY EVERYTHING OR STAY ON YOUR TREATMENT PLAN!

Many of these meds need to be and remain at a certain level in our bodies in order to work properly. That means taking your medication as prescribed. NEVER take less or more without the direction of your doctor.

Another thing that frustrates me is when people say things like “You must not have bipolar if you are taking anti depressants. Anti depressants make people with Bipolar MANIC!” Or my other favorite “Your doctor is stupid for giving you an anti depressant, don’t they know that is going to cause you to go manic!?!?!”

Remember when I said, this is not a one size fits all treatment plan? Yes, SOME people with bipolar can NOT take anti depressants. They are mostly diagnosed with BP Type 1. On the other hand, there are people who NEED anti depressants or else they are in a perpetual state of depression (like me). YES, those people still have the propensity of hitting a manic cycle. But 99% of the time, they are also prescribed anti-psychotics to keep the mania away.

SO, this is just a reminder that even within our community there is stigma. We need to stop that. We need to remember that each one of us is different. We need to stop telling people their treatment plan is wrong. We need to stop telling them their doctors are full of shit because they are not getting a treatment plan exactly like ours. Just because we have Bipolar, doesn’t make us experts. Yeah, we know a lot, and can share our EXPERIENCES, but lets try not to give people self doubt or doubt about their treatment.

In closing, for the love of all that is holy, take your meds as they are prescribed. Never break your pills in half unless you have been told to do so by your doctor (Some meds should NOT be broken in half because they get absorbed too quickly into your system) try not to skip a dose. If you feel your meds are not working, TELL YOUR DOCTOR! They are not mind readers. They can only treat you properly if you tell them how things are going and what you are feeling.