here we go!

So, it all started last night. That is when I noticed the climb up “the ride”.

I went and saw my best friend for a couple of hours last night and had a 32oz coke. Between me soaking up her energy of bebopping around her yard planting flowers, and drinking the coke, I got home last night and was wide awake.

I usually go to bed between 9 and 10, but last night 11:30 rolled around and I forced myself to go to bed. Because I was “up” I took 2 sleeping pills. Those suckers didn’t even phase me. (It’s nights like these that I wish I was still on 600mg of Seroquel) I laid in bed for about a half hour and then my husband came to bed. His head hit the pillow and he was out…. SNORING. So I tried to ignore the snoring, but 2 a.m. rolled around and I couldn’t take it anymore, so I came out to the living room and slept on the couch.

7 a.m. rolled around and BAM! Wide awake. I probably didn’t even need coffee.

I have been on edge all day. Nothing is satisfying me in the way of keeping myself occupied and dealing with the energy and aggitation.

I’ve done dishes… by hand.

Crochet

cleaned

facebooked

wordpressed

and I’m still riding high on hypomania.

I know the other day that I wished some hypomania would come along, I wasn’t expecting it to, as it rarely ever does.

So now here I am. Riding the wave. Fidgety. Annoyed. Tingling with energy.

Today I get to figure out how to get rid of it, or deal with it the best that I can. But I’m really having a hard time with this aggravation.

Day Two of Rapid Fire

racing_thoughts

Today is day two of my rapid thoughts. It is more like a pin-ball game going on in my head. I still feel the need to beat my head against a wall incessantly to make it all stop. But I know that won’t stop it. That would just give me a headache ontop of the rapid thoughts.

And it’s not even like there is a lot of “thoughts” bouncing around in the ol noggin. It’s not a loud noise like it usually is, it is more of a busy, electrical highway of synapses firing off. Which I guess that IS what happens in your brain, but I can feel it.

This is all induced by holiday stress (I’m guessing. Either that or the weather. I am a bit backwards as winter weather causes my mania instead of summer sunshine). I have a house to get ready for company. I have done ALL of the Christmas shopping, no help from my husband at all. And I keep hounding him on what we are getting our oldest son, because he is the last one to shop for and hello! Christmas is NEXT WEEKEND! Yesterday I opted for Amazon Prime for a month. Just in case we needed to do VERY last minute shopping.

Yesterday I took an anxiety pill to calm the head. In the past I would take a seroquel and that would totally help. Alas…. I’m not on seroquel anymore. Though I DO have some still. Albeit expired, but that just means it would be less potent. And it is probably not a wise decision to take it on-top of my normal antipsychotic.

I posted in a group, looking for some ideas on how to make the thoughts/noise stop. Everyone said the only thing I could do is to take meds. No one had any other tips or tricks in order to deal with it. So…. Yesterday I just vegged out. It KILLED ME to stay still. But it was the only way to calm my head down. It helped for a few hours along with the emergency anxiety pill.

Today I tackled my daughters bedroom. In shifts. Because she is nine and doesn’t clean her room. She used to when she was four, and I would give her a dollar every time she picked up her room. Then she wanted money EVERY TIME she cleaned her room, like on a daily, instead of like a regular weekly allowance. Anyhow… that is not the point. The point is, today’s tactic is to try and keep busy. I’m afraid that only makes the noise in my head worse. And it only amps me up  more.

If I am still feeling this way tomorrow I am going to call Dr. G and see if I can get in. I doubt I can. But she did tell me if I started getting manic to get in to see her. So that is what I will attempt to do. Last night I took two sleeping pills to get to sleep, because I could have stayed up all night.

I have a feeling you might be able to tell I’m ramping up, because I feel like a lot of what I am typing isn’t really relative or what I really want to say, I just go off on tangents. Maybe not. But that is what I feel like. Yesterday I was singing “Yellow Submarine” to the kids.

IF you have any suggestions on how to stop the noise in my head, please feel free to share. Music does help, but I am very antsy.

Going Up!

(Sing to the tune of “We’re Having a Heatwave”)
I’m having an upswing! A glorious upswing!

And as I’m going up, up, and away, I’m realizing I need a new way to cope. And it is driving me batty.

Back in the day, when I was on a million and a half pills, I would pop a seroquel to stop this shit in it’s tracks. Well, I can’t do that now. Well, I technically could, because I have Seroquel at my disposal.

But I want to avoid that if at all possible. Because I am hoping I will crash any minute now. But then again, I kinda hope not. Because I love mania, but I also hate it.

I hate feeling all buzzy in my body. But I like being energized and “happy”, and goofy, and light-hearted. I like throwing caution to the wind, and doing whatever pops into my head! But I hate the consequences of my stupid, stupid, careless actions.

So, it’s best that I stay inside my safe home, utilizing this energy to do something productive like, laundry. It’s best that I talk myself down, and remind myself that this will eventually pass, and hope it passes before I have to go to bed tonight.

You know, it takes a special kind of person to have to live with this disorder. Not everyone could handle this shit. Hell, I can’t even handle it most days.

So, I came across an article yesterday that claimed there have been studies done recently that show promiscuity is an inherited trait.  This got me to thinking….

I have been a promiscuous gal. More so than I care to admit. Mostly in my younger years. And to be frank, I probably would be if I got out more and knew more people. Is it inherited?  I don’t know. I am more of the opinion that it is due to the Bipolar Illness.

I was just talking to a friend of mine the other day about this. How my husband should be happy I’ve been spending money instead of screwing around. Because those are my either/ or things that happen when manic/hypo-manic/upswing.

Does it make it right? No. But quite honestly, I can’t help it. It is an urge, it is an impulse, and when in these states of mania, you only care about that one thing. That feeling in your body that you can only tame by committing …. whatever it is you do when in said state.

I have to say, that is the bummer of it all. I enjoy feeling happy. I enjoy the feeling of living on the edge. But I don’t like what I do.

Recently I have tried to talk myself out of spending money. It is really hard, but I do it, because I have to be responsible about all this, don’t I? Because at the end of the day, we are responsible for our own actions.

It’s fucking hard. It’s a lot of work. It is EXHAUSTING! And no one ever says “Hey, I’ve been in your head lately, and I’m really proud about how you have been trying so hard to be and do better.” So we have to learn how to be proud of ourselves, but sometimes, I think that is even more difficult.

Back in the Saddle

So, after being off meds since 2011, I’m back in the game. My BP was in remission, and now it has come back full force. My mood swings vary from day to day, but luckily not minute to minute (yet).

Since I made a clean break from my pdoc, I had to start all over again…. Looking for a shrink. After a couple of weeks, I finally got an appointment with someone that I actually wanted (did research on a bunch of providers that were in my network and this doc have 5 star reviews AND NO SANCTIONS!) she is local, so that is a plus, takes insurance, that is another plus, but, this facility doesn’t prescribe benzo’s, so….. that might be a problem, since I just got prescribed meds for my anxiety… But we will cross that bridge when I get to it.

My family doc put me back on Seroquel as a temp. “fix” for my hypomania until I can get in with a doc. (My appointment is April 4 — welcome to the MI World! My mom tried blaming Obamacare for my appointment being so far out, but I had to correct her, and let her know that no, this is completely the norm when it comes to mental healthcare.

So for my current crazy issues Seroquel and Addarax for the anxiety. both seem to be helping a lot, as I haven’t felt the need to choke the living shit out of anyone in a few days.

I’m taking other meds too for my thyroid and my fibromyalgia… Daily talley right now is about 15 pills a day. GO ME!

I’m currently waiting for meds to kick in. My head is bouncing all over the place and I wish it would stop. I can’t stand this feeling, and I don’t know how I lived this way for 5+ years! UGH!!!!